Choosing DD's friends for her?

[NeverMindOhWell]

I have a DD (4yrs). There is a girl at school who is quite a tough cookie, not a bully although I actually think DD is slightly intimidated by her. This girl is keen to be friends with DD and last week her mother asked me if DD would like to come over to play one day. I asked DD who said she would.

The whole family are quite different to us, very streetwise, 6 kids, neither parent works, quite loud and raucous. I have heard the mother swear at the 4 yr old before. We are quite sheltered in comparison!

This morning the mother came up and asked me about DD coming round after half term. When she spoke her breath reeked of alcohol (and she had just driven her DD to school!)

I don't want to pick my DD's friends for her but I worry about her spending time in an environment where shouting and swearing is the norm, and the responsible adult thinks it's ok to drive to school at 9am when she'd clearly been drinking. I could invite the friend over to us instead, but TBH (and I know this sounds awful) I really would rather not encourage the friendship. DD is obviously young and still very impressionable.

WWYD? I can't keep avoiding the mum forever!

I've got no real advice but am watching as I know where you are coming from.DS who is at pre-school& is friends,and will start reception with, with a couple of children from very different types of family to ours and I was wondering whether to encourage the friendship.But having thought about it 4 year olds are all pretty nice & innocent no matter what background,they are all part of the same group at school so I'll just accept that those are his friends.He has just started asking me if x & y can come round to play,& as those are the friends he likes,I will invite them.If you are worried about letting your DD go to a house that is unsuitable,just have the friend round to yours.But I doubt that any harm will come to her if she goes to the friend's house ,it will just be different and that is no bad thing,mixing with different types of people is part of life.

You are not picking her friends for her, you are protecting her from a situation which you are uncomfortable with. And that is fine!

They are with each other all day, 5 days a week do they really need to do "play dates"? TBH I have always found they seem to cause more trouble than benefit in the long run. Perhaps you could just say your DD is too tired/ you are busy etc. I would invite the child to yours if your DD wants to play though. You don't have to accept the offer back. My DD1 had an awful experience at one child's house. I had a difficult conversation argument with the mother and nowadays her child just comes to mine.

However, please don't steer your DD away yet, it's early days she may have a new "best" friend soon. My eldest is nearly 9 and I have seen many parents attempt to "choose" friends for their children. Ultimately it has always ended in disaster!