Should I tell the truth?

[Momof2]

Hi, hope someone can give me some advice for this.

5 years ago I left my DD's father (with DD in tow) after a very violent drunken(him not me) argument. However the violence was aimed only at me and never at DD(was not the first time).
We got divorced and share residency of DD, I have her across the week and he has her most weekends, which she has asked to stay the same and doesn't want to change. She is now 7 and has been asking recently why exH and I split up. I made a decision 5 years ago that she did not need to know of her father's violence to wards me as I didn't want her to have to deal with that sort of issue.
However.... yesterday while I was out she had a big heart to heart with DP and announced that her father has told her the reason we split was because I was seeing someone else (not true) and then kicked her father- please note that I did kick him as hard as I could - I was aiming for his groin and my intention was to hurt him, however this was in self defence and I missed and caught his leg.
DP replied that this was all nonesense and the reason we parted was that we just didn't love each other any more.
She ain't stupid my DD and tried again to get at the truth, but DP stood firm and in the end said basically that I didn't think she was old enough to need to know about grown up arguments and I would probably tell her about it when she was older.
He thinks we should fight fire with fire...does anyone have any thoughts??

Don't involve your DD in your past with your DH. Your DD is allowed to have her own relationship with her father, untainted (if possible) by what happened between you & your Ex. Whatever you decide to tell your DD, I think you should try to keep those principles in mind. I don't blame your present DP for being incensed about the lies, but mixing up your poor DD's head further will not help.

Thank you Zebra - that is exactly the road I chose to take before XH started filling her head with this nonesense.
Personally I think it is dreadful that he is making her aware of situations that in my eyes are grownup.

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I would tend to agree with you Momof2. I understand that your DP is angry with what your exH has said to DD about the reasons for your split, but to tell her your side at just 7 years old will achieve very little. I feel that it will just confuse her further, TBH.

My first instinct would be to tell her that her father is a lying, violent thug of a man but I can't help feeling that in retrospect those things would be said to her as a way of getting back at him fow what he said, IYSWIM. I really beleive that you are best off just sticking to your 'falling out love story' for the time being. Save the truth for whern she is better equipped, emotionally, to deal with it. It will be hard on you earing all this cr*p come from her via him, but you MUST be as neutral as possible to protect her.

The reason that I come at it from this standpoint is that I am a child of a violent marriage which dissolved when I was 6 years old. My father used to fill my head with lots of nonsense about my mother, even going so far as to call her a whore in front of me (I was around 6/7). My Mum refused to get drawn in to his power games anymore and was calm through out, despite the fact that the words I was saying (put into my head by him) were killing her. She was strong and told me the truth when I was around 11 or 12. Perhaps it was slightly different for me in that I had witnessed his extreme violence towards my mother on several occassions prior to the seperation and so I always knew the truth in my own head from a very early age. It may well be that your DD also knows the truth but her mind has blocked it out for the time being, things may well start to trickle back in as she gets older and more able to deal with it.

Hang in there. Sympathy hugs
WSM
xx

Sorry about the typos, was just a bit of rapid brain spill !

I agree with zebra - she doesn't need to know this stuff yet, your ex was wrong to say what he did and I think what your DP did say was right under the circumstances.

Telling her something that was half true was really sneaky of your ex. Denying it completely will send her back to him to ask more, probably. Could you tell her that yes, you and ex didn't love each other any more and did get angry with each other and that's why you left - not because you were seeing someone else.

If she persists about the kick, maybe you could say that you were really mad and kicked out but didn't mean to hurt him? I assume you have to speak to your ex sometimes - can you tell him that she is too little for this, it won't do him any good and will end up hurting her?

Are you still speaking to exH? Would you be able to sit down with him and discuss this and make a deal to give your DD a united, but neutral explanation for the split? In the long run, if the truth comes out, he's going to be the loser so surely keeping you on side is in his best interests? This is probably a stupid question actually, as anyone callous enough to say that to their 7 yr old daughter, isn't really going to be very helpful! Sorry I can't be more useful Hope things work out OK.

Thanks all,
XH and I are civil but he is totally inapproachable and IMHO if I tried to approach him about this he would be completely irrational and enjoy the fact that this had got to me. I am hoping that I can discuss this with DD when she is alot older, we have put up with several comments from her via her father about how awful I am, but she did say last night that she is aware that her father lies to her. Hence why DP said last night we should start fighting fire with fire - I think he is wrong.
I just want her to be a little girl and not have to worry about anything that happened before and although I realise it is very difficult for her to have a split family, I just want her to be happy. I don't think that telling her how nasty her father is is the right thing to do.
I am glad that DP and I have such a good relationship with her that she feels able to discuss this and am hoping she mentioned this to DP for reassuransce that I am not as bad as XH makes out.

Sorry to hear about this momof2 ... the exact same thing happened with my XH a few months ago (i posted here about it too). He said totally inappropriate things to dd about our reasons for splitting up (5 years ago like you), so the damage was already done. I was SO ANGRY with him for doing this, I remember shaking with rage at the time, and we did have a huge row by the medium of text messages! However, the good news is that when the dust had settled a bit, we arranged to meet up for a drink to discuss things, and this really helped to clear the air - things have been much better since then, and he hasn't said any more inappropriate things to the children (who also seem much happier now that relations between mum and dad are more amicable). Of course our situations are different, but I would definitely recommend sitting down and talking with XH if that's at all possible. I think kids are very perceptive and even if there aren't out and out rows, they know when things aren't amicable and this causes a lot of internal conflict for them (because they love both parents).

Anyway sorry to burble on - just had to post to say I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! And I hope everything turns out OK for all of you X

Sorry, I meant to add that I felt a huge temptation to set the record straight and tell dd/ds what really happened, and to my shame a few remarks slipped out in anger re XH being less than perfect, but I'm glad I didn't blurt it all out to them - I think that would be quite wrong.

If she knows he lies then that's all she needs to know, IYSWIM - not be told a different version of events, just that what he says isn't true. Of course your DP is mad at him but fighting fire with fire won't help.

Still think he should be told to stop it - not because it's getting to you but because it's confusing and probably hurting her. Do you have some kind of legal settlement of her residency where you could go to a solicitor and discuss what he's doing?

Could you make your ex aware that you know what he has been saying, and make him admit that he lied (you could threaten that if he doesn't put her straight you will - he's not to know you care too much about your dd to do so)

I thnk that might blow up in Mo2's face, Prufrock!
The guy sounds like such a jerk that he'd probably come up with even bigger lies if he was pushed. It'd be better to try to just smooth this over, try to pretend it didn't happen, but make sure Mo2's DD just keeps talking to Mo2, so Mo2 at least know what the Ex is saying... You may have to tell her the truth, Mo2, but I sure hope not. Although She's never going to hear it well, she'd probably cope better with the truth when she's a lot older.

Once again, thanks everyone, I am so glad I have found this site, 3 months ago I would have been worrying all day about this and its so much easier when you get outsiders to help.
I think XH is frustrated still at the fact that I picked myself up and got on with my life. I know I will get slated for this, but when I 1st left the judge ordered him to pay me an amount every month, which he did for 3 months and then stopped. I decided then that I was not going to ever ask him for anything ever again, and consequently I run my own life and he has no say in what I do or where "His " money goes - which unfortunately is how he would view it and how controlling he really was. The only way for me to truely get away was to accept nothing from him. I never ask for help with DD's child care, clothes, school trips and fell that I never have to involve him in my life - except for DD's sake. This has given me such a blessed sense of freedom, but at the same time was damn hard work to keep a roof and happy DD without something giving However DP is of the same opinion as me and would not take anything from him.
You have all helped me to realise that I am right (as usual) and I will not let him dictate to me the right time - if there ever is one - to tell my DD about him. I want her to think he is wonderful, as my Mum let me think about my Dad who left her when I was 3.
Many thanks to you all I LOVE MN