Love my children but can't stand being with them - counting the hours till bedtime

[PolyesterBride]

I've posted about this before and I feel really pathetic but I just can't cope with my two DDs anymore. All they do is scream and whinge and its just wearing me down. No, it has worn me down and I am past the end of my tether. I really can't face it anymore and yet I have no choice.

The older one (5) is upstairs screaming the house down in her bedroom having one of her epic tantrums. I lost the plot with her earlier and slapped her round the face. Feel totally shit about it but I just could not take the noise anymore. The younger one (2) is just constantly whining and obstructive in a typical two year old way.

Feel like our lives are just miserable. I try to plan nice things to do but we don't get to do them because tantrums stop us leaving the house.

It is just me. Partner works 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. No family. No friends I could ask round or something to take off the pressure.

Other people world cope with this , why can't i? I spend all week moaning about the fact that I don't get to see them because I work full time and when we do spend time together I hate every minute of it and can't wait for Monday. All they do is cry for their daddy. I can't stand it and I hate myself.

Don't really know what I expect people to say. Just want a way to live being with my kids cos I know I'll totally regret all of this later. And of course do really regret lots of it already.

Is you partner emotionally supportive?
And does he know how you are feeling?

Can you structure your weekends so they know what to expect? So morning, get up, play and get breakfast on for all of you. Let them help. Then dressed and out to the park or library. Come home, put tv on while you make lunch. Nap for 2 year old, or quiet time for them all. Eg reading/stickers etc etc? Afternoon, garden or something then in for tv while you sort their tea. Just an idea.

You should go to bed at 9pm some nights - you can't run yourself ragged like this.

Do speak to your GP. I felt a bit like you when it was all felt out of control and draining.

You are not giving them a crap childhood.
You care about them a lot, and they will know that.

Also can you take a day off work, leave kids in childcare, and just do you stuff?

Pissing down here. Have put blanket tucked into top bunk and dangling over bottom like a den. 2x boys munching crisps in there with crap radio channel on. Maybe few minutes of peace!
I should be decluttering house.
When people start 'what do social services look for in a house' threads I panic.
Just like I don't feel able to watch life of grime/ drowning in clutter type programs.
I do understand op feeling overwhelmed and slightly out of control.

I feel for you, OP. My three fight and drive me nuts if we are in all the time. My DTDs also have tantrums (one in particular) and it's exhausting.

It's hard but can you strap them in the car/ buggy even if they're screaming and just go - to the playground, the corner shop (buy them something cheap - choc buttons or something as a treat for being 'good'). Make a quiz sheet of things to look for on a walk (with pics instead of words for the 2 yr old maybe) and go for a walk getting them to collect/look out for things.

My OH is away all weekend and I have made mine a sticker chart for today/tomorrow - if they get all their stickers (for 'good getting dressed', 'eating all their lunch' etc) they get to go to Pizza Hut for tea tomorrow. Appreciate this isn't something you can do every week, but maybe a weekend/daily chart with a little reward at the end for when you're on your own at weekends...?

Hope you have a better afternoon.

Firstly we all make mistakes, the slapping was wrong, you know that, make sure you apologise to your dd, tell her you love her and give her a cuddle.

Secondly talk to your DP, at the moment you are pretty much a lone parent, he needs to know how that is affecting you and your children. Some of the behaviour from the children, particularly the older one is likely down to the lack of contact with their father, you are getting the emotional backlash unfortunately. Do they get any time with him at all?

Thirdly if tv is all you have energy for today don't beat yourself up over it, but try to sit with them for some of that time, give them physical proximity and cuddles.

Fourthly as others have said, try to get the children out or do one activity on Saturdays and Sundays with them. Start small like putting on a cd and dancing as someone else suggested. Dancing is good for lightening the mood and making you laugh. When I have those days where I have had enough a bit of silly dancing works wonders.

Being a mum and working full time with no support and no time for you is very stressful. What time does DP get home? Is there anyway you could get a bit of time for yourself then (gym, sauna, cinema etc)?

Speak to your GP too, you do sound very stressed and depressed, maybe they can offer some support.

Is your DH self employed?

DP is supportive but has his own stress so don't feel lije I can pile my stuff on his head too. Had to call him this morning after slapping DD1 and he was a me to help me calm down a bit.

Liking the ideas of stuff to do with them. A reward chart and treats for the weekend is good. As are dens, crisps and pizzas. If I can get them to bed tonight I will make a plan for tomoro and go to bed early so I have the energy to do it.

I really appreciate all your advice and supportive words. They have really helped. It doesn't feel so hopeless.

My house is a tip too but that's another thread!

Maybe I should just use my credit card to go to soft play this afternoon.

DP is not self employed but would rather not say what he is fdoung in case I out myself. It's basically an unavoidable work situation.

He gets home around 9-9.30 by which time I am going to bed. The girls see him first thing in the morning and that is it. I think they are suffering for not seeing him, they really miss him. Not sure what to do about it though except offer extra love and comfort myself. Which I see unable to do because I just want to hide.

Do it! You can keep cost down by taking kids drinks and just buying a coffee.

Try the local boards on here or netmums and see if there are any other parents who'd like weekend buddies near you. Can you arrange Saturday afternoon play dates for your big girl? It would break up the day for you all and you can do 'babyish' things with little dd without the big one being bored.

Can big dd join rainbows or beavers? Are there any cheap and cheerful dance classes for eg? Children's centre family outreach workers would know, give them a ring Monday.

Your situation sounds stifling, a bit of social time would help you all. Don't be despondent, you're under pressure not a bad mum.

I feel for you. I felt the same way myself many times - and it looks my situation was nowehere near yours.
I realised that if I feel much better if I

1. find some time only for myself (get up before kids do or manage to stay up after they're asleep)
2. find some energy to spend spontaneous time with them (especially the older - 3.5yo). If no chance going out she loves running around the sofa and she wants me to crawl and chase them. Now it's beautiful outside so playing with ball outside, gardening
3. manage to tidy up in kitchen and living room in the eventing.

Do not feel bad for them watching TV time to time. Watch with them, you'll relax and they'll have your presence there.

Your words really resonate with me because, although I am far luckier in the hours my dh works, I really know what it is like to lose control because the whining and tantrumming just gets to be too much. I suspect almost every mother feels like this at some point. I think parenting is often just getting through the day when they are small. It sounds like your dh will be around more in the future and I am really glad for you. My advice is to just plan to get out as much as possible as things are really intense when you are in the house.
Any chance family could give you a week off at some stage? If you are struggling to cope it would be best for all concerned. Don't be afraid to ask.

Polyester, my dp works similar hours, but permanently. It is hard, and I only have one. Just sending sympathy. X

We all lose it. The slapping is bad but is due to the fact that you're completely at the end of your tether - it is a sign that you need to do something now to change your situation in order to prevent yourself losing control like that again.

I agree with other posters about just strapping them in the car and going somewhere. An outdoor park and playground where they can run around and burn off energy so they are too tired to scrap with each other? Take yourself a coffee in a thermos flask so you enjoy it a bit more yourself. Tell them that you'll treat them to an ice-cream if they play nicely. There is nothing worse than being stuck indoors with two grouchy children. I have to plan ways in which we can go out, to make sure we don't have a day where we are at home all the time. For one thing, the house gets trashed. Even more than usual. Do you live near a library? That is a good free way of entertaining them for a little while. Our library has a big box of toys for little ones to play with - means I can feed dd2 while ds1 plays.

I can empathise with the feeling of being alone in your parenting - my dh also works long hours (he's currently on night shifts over this weekend), and we have no family nearby either. Closest friends live a long way away too. Talk to your health visitor - mine is nice and has told me I can text her anytime if things are getting on top of me and I would like her to visit just to have a chat and sound off a bit. In fact, I should do that as I've had a crap day today too, constantly snapping and shouting at poor ds1 who has been more lively than naughty. Not his fault his mum is a stressed rat-bag, poor love :( I feel for you anyway - take as much support as you can, on here, from your health visitor, and any friends / neighbours.

Thank you everyone. I know getting out is the best thing. It's always easier out of the house.

I just need to be more organised about planning where to go and getting a bag together. It's the getting out of the house that's the really big hurdle!

Sympathies to everyone in a similar position. The support on here has been great.

I totally get where you are coming from. I have no family and two children 4 and 2 and I'm a lone parent. They constantly fight and argue. I don't know if this Is worse in boys??? I kno you have girls but I have never seen anything like it. I shout, I swear and lose my temper. I don't really smack but can be overly aggressive in plonking them down in various places ( if that makes sense?!) I am not proud of any of the above. I always apologise straight away. I hate swearing too
But it's a cycle I get myself into. I'm defeated the moment I wake up. My mind sets all wrong. I can change it, so can you. Just wanted to tell you that you aren't on your own. Kids hey?!

Maybe you are depressed? Have you spoken to your GP about this? I fell very sad for you and would love to tell you that it gets easier as they get older but i'm afaraid a whole set of new issues then arise. Have you tried telephoning any helplines? I would see your GP and get some help. It would be an idea to keep them busy too, they will be less likely to winge if they aretimulated and will nod off to sleep better if they are tired from a busy day.

Check your local museum/art gallery listings. The ones near me always do free stuff on a weekend, storytelling, crafty things and whatnot, and they usually have somewhere you can eat your own food so you can cut the cost by taking food/snacks with you.

Pack the bag the night before is my tip. Then just get up and go.

Can you do film and popcorn/other snacks with them on a weekend afternoon/teatime, with them picking the dvd? You could borrow these from the local library if you don't have lots, which is another outing.

I don't think slappin g is the end of the world actually if their behaviour is appauling. I am not of the anti-smack brigade but you do need to find other methods as this can't escalate. Take them out for sure ....move through the tantrums and take a deep breath.

This isn't 'your stuff', it's family stuff, and your DP is just as responsible for the family as you are.

I would suggest going to your GP. It could be that you would benefit from being signed off for a while.

I also suggest making a list of easy sensors activities you can just put out on the floor (on a cheapie shower curtain) for when things are sliding sideways. This really helps me with my two when whinging etc is wearing me down.

You can keep a bin of dollar store cups, funnels, bottles, plastic sand toys, various containers, tongs etc and put them out with:

-bin of dry pasta.....macaroni, the large shells etc. Younger one can dig in and dump and pour, older one can make pasta necklaces, glue pasta on paper plates for art or pretend play making a pasta Barbie beach or whatever.

-bin of musical instruments and a kids cd the can shake and toot to

-bin of "special" art supplies they otherwise don't see. Stickers, glitter paint etc.

-bucket of cornstarch and water in the tub for easy clean up.

-hide items around the house for them to find (ie plastic bugs - then give them each a magnifying glass and kitchen strainer for "nets")

There are a ton of online ideas...I just mention these as they are relatively cheap and easy to implement.

Do you have a back yard OP? Could you do up a mud kitchen with old pots and pans - both those ages will still be able to enjoy that.

-face paint each other for a laugh or do face masks

hang in there OP tomorrow's a new day

I have a list on fridge door of all different places we can go or things we can do, for either rainy or sunny days. Saves me having to think when am too tired. Am a single parent now, but used to have partner (dcs dad) living with us and he worked when every one else had family time...found it hardest then. If you feel you can't hold on, see your gp..it's fine to ask for help