How long do you think you can leave your childen for to go on holiday.......

[fairyfly]

Before it becomes damaging?

A weekend,week, fortnight, month?

What are the consequences of leaving them? How does it effect them pyschologically in the long run?

I understand that many parents wouldn't even consider this from the basis they would miss the child. I want to discuss more what the child goes through, how it reacts and what is a safe amount of time to keep them settled secure and happy.

Obviously age and where they will stay has huge bearing on this.

Even I agree with that Bugsy

I agree with Bugsy too.

I sort of rather yearn for the opportunity for a holiday without my children, although I'd probably leave them with their father and bog off somewhere. In my dreams. Yearn.

(I do love them all, but, you know, one does rather yearn. Or is that just me?)

We left dd with my parents for a week when she was 6.She's 14 now hardly remembers it.At the time I missed her but she was absolutely fine,when we returned she was a little bit shy of us for about 10 minutes which was weird.
Think over 5 is fine to leave them.

Agree with bugsy. Ds went to India for 3 weeks when he was 4, with his dad and ex mil, had a lovely time, didn't miss me at all. I can't wait for ex mil to start taking dd (which she's offered to do as soon as dd is happy to go so I reckon give it a year and it's a goer). Dh and I have had 2 nights (on sep occasions) away together since dd was born 2.5 yrs ago but only becuase there was no-one to take her. We've got a weekend away together coming up and I can't wait. So ff, if there's someone lovely they can stay with, I think I'd consider going.

My kids are used to being left - from a matter of months, they stayed over at their godmother's house one night every week. She also looks after them when I am at work, and is a big part of their lives.

When they were 4 and 5, dh and I went away for 10 days, and when they were 7 and 8, for two weeks. On both occasions I left them with presents to open every morning (£1 worth each!), and they were so excited about that, they didn't notice we were missing!

We still go away for the odd weekend, but now that they are older, they enjoy many of the trips we have, so come along with us!

Maybe the fact that I was hospitalised for 6 wks. before dd was born, and ds stayed with his godmother throughout this time, set the scene for the future.

I've just asked dd (13 y.o.) what she remembers about us being away, and she said 'pressies!'.

Children are very precious, but so are other relationships, and they also have to be nurtured.

We don't have (and never have had) the oppportunity to leave our kids even for one night (ours are 3 and 5).

I was really frustrated at first but now, having never done it, would actually feel really reluctant, simply because it's just an experience they've never gone through.

Would love my kids to have had doting grandparents (they have dp's mum who worships them but she's really quite frail) who could do stuff with them, I think the grandparent/grandchild relationship can add another positive dimension to their lives.

I know what you mean Feistybird. Both mine and dh's parents are elderly grandparents, and whilst they love the children to bits, I would never have left them for several days with them.

We are so lucky to have the children's godmother and her husband, who are like 'young' grandparents, and do allsorts of things with the children - including taking them on holiday! They didn't have children of their own, so mine fill a void for them, which is lovely.

As long as they are with a relation/ friend they know well why would it be harmfull?

Mine are perfectly happy to stay at granny's house and go away on holiday with them for the weekend. Perhaps a month is a bit long just because both parties would miss each other.

I leave them for long weekends to go away and work but not to go on holiday myself, if I could afford a holiday it would be for all the family anyway, but a romantic weekend away would be nice.

Granny is planning to take them to france for 3 weeks next summer when they will be 7 and 10 and I think they will get a lot out of a holiday like that. DS is about to go on his second cub camp.

I think it is good for kids to be able to stay with relatives and not think it is teh end of the world, what if you were ill or something and they had nevr spent a night away from you?

I realise that I am lucky to have doting PIL who are fit enough to have them to stay and i agree that it is an important, positive dimension.

I don't think that it is damaging to be away from your children so long as they know they are loved and feel secure. My parents took a 10 day honeymoon every year, and we stayed with a variety of friends and relatives, or they came and looked after us. It was just part of our lives, and I don't remember resenting it then, and certainly don't now. My parents always went for walking holidays, which certainly didn't appeal to us! We also went and stayed with our grandparents at other times, and I had quite a few holidays with my cousins (one cousin was also my best friend). I try and make sure that my children spend a week or so with my parents each year so that they have a really good relationship (it's different when I am there). The only thing I am thinking about changing is maybe to send them one at a time, so my mother can bond a little better with dd. The first time we left ds was when he turned one, and that was for a week. I went on holiday on my own a couple of years ago, leaving dd and ds (then 4 and 5) with dh for about 12 days, and that worked well (apart from the fact I had an accident and broke my jaw and my arm!!). dh has also been away on business trips (longest was three weeks). They miss us, but it doesn't appear to upset them hugely at the time and they are very glad to see the presents (oh, and the absent parent!). You know your child best, and how much they are likely to miss you - and how well you can cope without them too.

My brother and I often went to stay with grandparents and friends for a week or so. It was only just before I had DS and I was talking to my brother about this that I realised that my parents probably had an ulterior motive, i.e. having a break themselves and that this wasn't all for my benefit. I can't really remember how old I would have been went I first stayed away from home, but atleast 5.

I left DD1 at 10 months to go ski-ing for about 9 days. I missed her, but in a funny kind of way it was easier as when she was boorn she was in hospital for nearly 4 months so I was used to leaving her IYKWIM

Personaly I would leave my kids 7 and 5 with grandparents for a week, without a 2nd thought. Last summer they went to my parents for 5 days during teh summer holidays and they will have to do the same again this year. I cannot get enough time off work. I would leave them for 10 days for a special holiday too.

However knowing some of your personal circumstances FF I wouldn't leave your kids tbh. They are still needing the extra attention and care after everything with your bastard ex.

i went to tunisia fro two weeks when my twins were 2 and my ds was 5.

they are permanently scarred.

It is tricky. DS has been left overnight with grandparents loads. DD (2 tomorrow ) not so much because grandparents seem less willing to have two. She has been to each set of grandparents twice. But we're generally talking about 18 hours here - not vast amounts of time. I left DS for two nights when I went on my sister's hen night - but with DH so that doesn't count. And then last year when he was 4.6 he went to MILs for two nights between leaving nursery and starting school and at that point that was enough for him. He started missing us. I was a bit disappointed really because I expected him to cope better. I think (depending on Child Minder) I will try him again this summer...

I think Twig has a good point about siblings though. I am much more confident about DD when DS is there (she went on her own once when DS was having an op).

i also went on holiday with rhubarb when ds was about 18 months - for a week.

he will never get over it

I think leaving children with people they love and care about is fine. My niece and nephew spent many long weekends and weeks with my parents while they were growing up and they have the warmest most loving relationship possible.

I look at them (now 15 and 12) and see that they are kind and loving to their (now very elderly) grandparents and have a generally good attitude to older people. They love just talking and spending time with their grandparents and now choose to come and see them even when they could be spending time with their friends instead - how many nearly teenagers do that on a regular basis?

I think that once children are over a certain age (for me that is about 3 years old) leaving them for a week or so is fine as long as it is with someone who has seen a lot of them and had them to stay for shorter periods before this age.

As for missing them - well yes most parents would but I don't believe it would do any harm at all (assuming the people they are staying with are people the children know and love).

This is one of the reasons I have for allowing other people to look after my children sometimes even when they are babies so that they develop relationships with adultas other than me and dh. For me the long-term benefits outweigh the short-term negatives of me missing them/worrying a bit etc.

lazycow
I know exactly what you mean about setting the foundations for relationships - and letting our kids know that you are happy for them to form other relationships.
Like most things in parenting, it's all about balance.

custy are you being serious?

how does mumsnet do this? dh and i have to go out to the gulf for 4 nights in a few weeks (we're moving there later this year) and I'm paranoid that leaving ds with his dgm is going to result in months of bad behaviour punishment for me as a result (hes 2.75). I can't see anyway round it tho as we both really need to be there.... aargh, mother guilt, its a killer.

nope. i am completely taking the piss becuase i think its a no brainer.

phew

When our son was approaching one, we had a week away. My mum came up to our house whilst we checked out the country we were moving to.

Then twice when mum and dad visited us out in Asia they insisted my husband and I should go away/take a break if we wanted to, so both times we had 3 nights away out of the country.

On our return to the UK he then went to my parents (after turning 3) for a week whilst we saw our belongings arrive and got the house sorted out.

My parents love looking after him, he enjoys his time with them and no signs of him hating us!

I think much of whether time away from children goes smoothly relies on things like, how happy the people are to have said child/ren, trust of the parents towards temp. carers, and how the parents deal with this prior to trip. e.g nervous parents ommitting nervous feelings, worried thoughts to children probably will make child feel less secure about the whole thing.
Also length of trip probably is a big factor.. couldn't do ten days, 3-5 is my comfortable limit for us.

As a thought, could you not go away together but you return earlier (after the wedding)? That way you get to both have some time away (if you want it) attend wedding, then come back sooner, limiting the time you are away.. just a thought.

At 7 I was away for a week with friends whilst my brother came into the world.. enjoyed my holiday a lot, still remember most of it!

It is really good to read all this stuff, dd is 2.9 and i am trying to get up the courage to ask my parents to have her for 2 nights some time this year so boyf & i can go for a weekend away (wouldn't go for longer personally).

dd has stayed over with them a few times, and she & i stay over together once a week or fortnight too, and she has a very close relationship with them. But whenever i ask for a babysitting favour my mum starts off looking all sceptical-like, although I know she loves having her. Besides, they are also really really busy people (both work as well as have outside interests) so i feel rather guilty taking up so much of their time (i think my mum's initial hesitance is down to this rather than not wanting dd!). But my main concern is, my mum has always been very much a "mum is most important" sort of person, she wouldn't have dd at all for just over the 1st year (weaning dd off the breast i think made a difference) when i was desperate for a break (i'm a single mum) so for all that time i had no break at all and i also really wanted dd to get used to be looked after by other people, my mum was the only person i would have felt happy about handing her over to.

but perhaps after reading this thread, if i do ask my mum about a weekend and get a concerned response re is it a good idea for dd, i am armed with appropriate response! (can i add i think it makes it harder that it is with boyf rather than a proper partner if that makes sense, i feel like she'd think i'm putting him first or something but imo my relationship with him is no less important than a relationship with a partner/dd's dad would be - we very much have a future together and are very committed/stable).

In addition, my mum used to go for weekend retreats away fairly frequently when we were growing up, and she was also hospitalised a couple of times too when i was pretty young, so she hasn't a leg to stand on!!

first was away from dd1 when she was 16months. I went on holiday for 4 days, dh was still there, but dd1 stayed with grandparents.

we went on long haul holiday and after 3 weeks, grandparents flew back with dd1 (then 20months) so we could have another week w/o kids

i'm going on holiday (hen do) next month and grandparents will be looking after dd2(2.4) for a week