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Parenting

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Original poster

Anyone else find this parenting lark incredibly hard work?

50 replies

luckywinner · 09/04/2013 11:51

I am really struggling at the moment. I have had sick children on and off since Christmas. My dc, 7, 6 and one are beautiful amazing children. But I am really finding things a real slog. I have really hurt my back so that makes things trickier than it should. I take medication at night which means if I don't get a big chunk of unbroken sleep I feel wrecked. I have come to the conclusion that I suck at being selfless. I crave time to do all the things I want to do without someone scrabbling at my legs. I don't mean exciting things either. More things like load the dishwasher without stopping one year old climbing in. I have a huge list of odd jobs I want to do. One year old goes to nursery two days a week so I can work but that taste of freedom has got me wanting more!

Anyone else desperate to be utterly selfish and claim their lives back? Ok rant over.

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Queenofknickers · 09/04/2013 12:06

You've got 3 DCs, one of whom is still a baby, you work outside the home and you're in pretty much constant pain. You aren't selfish - you're a bl**dy hero!

Can anyone help you - you must get some proper sleep on medication for back pain xxxxx

Original poster

luckywinner · 09/04/2013 12:15

Everything feels like such hard work. I am standing in my kitchen covered in bloody raisins and I just want to lie down in and make raisin angels!

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ThePippy · 09/04/2013 12:25

Yes. My sister asked me the other day "do you even remember life before you had the kids" in a soppy eyed sentimental way (she adores kids) and I had to answer "yes, I remember it vividly and miss many aspects of it on a daily basis".

I think she was shocked and assumed I meant that I missed all the lovely holidays we used to take, but I explained I didn't give a hoot about the holidays (well I do, but I knew they would end before I chose to have kids) and that it was more the daily grind of "the job" never ending (you are a mum 24/7) and having zero personal space or time (no family locally at all) and the totally relentless nature of parenting young children. I actually look forward to a Monday these days, it feels like the new Friday.

Mine are 3.6 and 1.4 and I love them to bits but I am praying it gets easier once they are both a little older.

Keep your chin up, like the other poster said you are a hero and no doubt doing an amazing job. xx

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Original poster

luckywinner · 09/04/2013 13:13

Oh god thepippy that sounds like my friend who I just wailed to via text. I love her but her children are her career. Mine on the other hand is finalising the escape plan. I agree it is the utter monotony of it, the neverending-ness of it. I want to cry when Friday comes to an end as I know I have 5 more days till my next work day.

Btw it does get easier. My other two are 7.11 and 6.4. They play with each other all the time. Dh and I used to marvel how we could read the paper without stopping. And then I got pregnant with dc 3.....

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TheSurgeonsMate · 09/04/2013 13:30

It's kind of the mental energy needed too. I noticed last night that I was thinking "Wah! Can't wait for DH to come home, I really really just want to empty that dishwasher." But DD was sitting totally absorbed in Tinga Tinga tales. I could easily have emptied it. But it's just HARDER when she's there in a corner of my brain!

ThePippy · 09/04/2013 13:34

Loving the idea of an escape plan. Some weekends seem like a constant stream of whining (from my threenager) and crying (from my toddler) and I just want to take to my car and drive away, anywhere! Thanks for giving me hope that it gets easier though. Counting the days!

Original poster

luckywinner · 09/04/2013 13:40

I think though when they are busy doing something and don't 'need' you, it is hard not to stare into space/make cup of tea etc as you know all those chores will still be there even after they're in bed. I also long for dh to get back. Yesterday dh worked from home and so I 'escaped' pretending I needed to pop to shops for milk etc. What I really did was got in car, drove to shops, got stuff, then sat in car listening to audiobook. Was bliss, and also I missed putting to bed. How tactical is that? I would be soooooo cross if knew dh had done that.

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ThePippy · 09/04/2013 13:56

Your secret is safe luckwinner. When my DD was a baby my DH was out of work so I used to constantly make up excuses for popping out while she napped and while he did job hunting. I never knew how much pleasure I could get from a slow browse of a supermarket!

TheSurgeonsMate · 09/04/2013 13:59

A slow browse of the supermarket - wow! I too would like a slow browse - everything looks so bloody exciting when you're whizzing past it at high speed singing "She'll be coming round the mountain."

Original poster

luckywinner · 09/04/2013 14:03

Aah the slow trolley push round the supermarket. You can actually stop in the magazine aisle without being pleaded to for a full of tat comic that they will never read.

I am now wasting precious baby nap time by watching hair styling tutorials on bumble and bumble website. But it makes me panic slightly as I have lots of things I need to do without something hanging off my ankles.

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ceebeegeebies · 09/04/2013 14:03

I totally agree

I was definitely not prepared for just how much little people take over your entire life/being/mind - as another poster said, I had accepted that our lovely holidays and impromptu meals out/weekends away would end but not that my freedom would end!

My 2 are 6 and 4 and yes it is definitely getting easier - but it still feels like a relentless slog a lot of the time.

When DS1 was born, I went back to work 3 days a week - after a few months, I upped it to 4 days as I craved the freedom being at work gave me. However, I look back now and think that I wouldn't have done this if I had had DS2 first as he is SO much easier to look after whereas DS1 is just so full-on 24/7 and has been since he was born.

I too used to create reasons to go shopping just to get out of the house and give me some headspace - when DS1 was 3 months old, I eventually dragged myself back to the gym and that became my 'sanctuary' (it still is now ).

ceebeegeebies · 09/04/2013 14:06

I am currently sat here surfing - I have no pressing jobs to do, DS2 is at nursery and DS1 is playing football in the garden with a friend - it definitely gets so much easier

JemimaPuddle · 09/04/2013 14:06

It's the relentlessness I find difficult. The fact that I can't just go take a long hot bath & read a book for example when I fancy, I either have to wait for them to be in bed or do it when DH is around but even then I can hear them or they manage to come upstairs.
I can't explain it really as it sounds ridiculously trivial when I do.

ceebeegeebies · 09/04/2013 14:08

Jemima you don't need to explain I swear I can actually feel my heart sinking sometimes when I hear footsteps on the stairs when I am upstairs having some time to myself sorting out laundry/tidying up

BertieBotts · 09/04/2013 14:11

I know what you mean too. There's sort of a sense of grief at your lost life/freedom, as well as guilt that you're not some kind of supermum providing a richly fulfilling childhood experience all of the time - or even most of the time. (Some days even any of the time :() And I feel guilty that I don't enjoy DS' company. I hope that I will again when he's older. I just find him very draining and yet not that interesting. I think if he had a sibling he would be easier, but then there would be double the work...

I will have a new job soon so that will help, I think, but then there's guilt about them being in childcare if the childcare is not 100% right either. Sigh. I know the role I want to fill but I just don't really enjoy it in reality.

ThePippy · 09/04/2013 14:25

I get the grief thing Bertie. I actually find it hard to look at old pre-kids photos as I get an overwhelming sad feeling of loss. Sounds like a terrible thing to admit and I'm sure there are some people who would not understand and would lecture that I should not have had children, but it really is a very different reality to the one I had in my head.

For the record I really hated being a parent with DD until she was probably over 1yr old (mild undiagnosed PND I think) and with DS who is now 16m I haven't got past that part yet (although the more serious diagnosed and treated PND I had with him has pretty much gone) and I am really hoping it does soon as the guilt is awful.

Original poster

luckywinner · 09/04/2013 14:33

Ohhh the bloody guilt thing. I want to press fast forward and whizz my dd to 3 when she will do school nursery and I can skip happily off into the sunset.

It is neverending, sodding relentless. The career mother friend I moaned to this morning just texted me to say 'don't worry, you'll be back into the family routine soon. The grass always looks greener...'. I want to reply 'I know the bloody grass is greener. When do I get to lie down in that green grass?'
Waaaaaaaaaaaah

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Original poster

luckywinner · 09/04/2013 14:35

ps, thepippy, I loathed being a parent to two small children. So you are not on your own. I completely get that. (I had pnd with dc1 but not dc2 so history does not necessarily repeat itself.

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ThePippy · 09/04/2013 14:39

"you'll be back into the family routine soon"

That statement sends a slight chill down my spine. And that grass...that would be the lovely fresh smelling soft cool grass in the peaceful countryside well away from constant yammering from kids. Sign me up.

I just had a week off "on holiday" with my two. Came back to work today and had to made redundancies, but frankly it was still a relief. Shame I can't make myself redundant from being a mother ;-)

Carolra · 09/04/2013 14:42

Its the washing that gets me. The endless endless washing. I do three loads of washing, and still the basket is full. Stephen King has nothing on my laundry basket. shudders

ceebeegeebies · 09/04/2013 14:46

Carola god yes, I often think of my washing basket as the magic porridge pot

KittyMcAllister · 09/04/2013 14:53

This has chimed with me too. This week I'm on annual leave but the kids are still at nursery two days a week and I love those days. Much as I enjoy their company I'm quite a solitary bod and love my own company too, just to mooch or be by myself. I've a fantasy of just booking into a hotel for a night to escape. It's just so bloody relentless.

Original poster

luckywinner · 09/04/2013 15:04

Kitty you sound just like me. I crave my own company. Dh asked me what I wanted for my birthday a d I said a night in a hotel room on my own. Which he booked. But missed the 'on my own' bit and came too. He just doesn't get that I want my own time where I don't have to talk. He needs my attention just as much as dc. And it makes that grass practically emerald green.

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ThePippy · 09/04/2013 15:16

Kitty and Lucky you have really hit the nail on the head and its something I came to realize a while back...that I have an overwhelming need for personal space which is almost totally gone now. Like you lucky my DH doesn't really get it and thinks child free time = couple time, which if I am honest I miss less than just me time. I also have had MIL look after baby when he was little and DD was at nursery so I could go out for the day on my own, which was lovely, but what I really crave is having this me time in my own quiet space, i.e. at home. Doesn't help that DD is going through a phase of wanting mummy to do everything for her, and DS is quite clingy at the moment, so when at home my time is not my own (day or night) and I take solace in my car for the odd lunch hour at work, which I think colleagues think I'm a bit mad for rather than going for lunch with them etc.

ceebeegeebies · 09/04/2013 15:24

Kitty and Lucky that is exactly how I used to feel When the DC were younger, I literally used to fantasise about spending a night in a hotel by myself - I too need my own space and I thought it would be just wonderful.

A couple of years ago, I got the opportunity via work to stay in a hotel overnight due to having 2 conduct 2 days of interviews 100 miles away - it was absolute bliss I had a meal in the restaurant (which was a bit weird so I didn't stop long) then took a glass of wine back to my room. I had already bought a magazine and some cake - I totally loved it I did have to get up early for work the next day so didn't get the opportunity to lie-in (which is the other half of my fantasy) but it was still great.

Now the DC are older, I find I don't crave space quite as much - probably because they are less demanding.

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