the highs and lows of being a working mum

[BlackMaryJanes]

My head is in a muddle at the moment. Im hoping this thread will bring some clarity.

My DH thinks as a SAHM ive "got it easy". The atmosphere has turned to one of resentment (even though this was a mutual decision). Im thinking I may as well throw the towel in and start applying for jobs. will I live to regret this? Should I just suck up my husbands resentment and carry on as I am?

The grass is greener. Ive got it into my head that if I go to work he will finally respect me. Or will he just turn to "my work is harder than yours" and then Im back at square 1?

I just dont know what to do.

If I could run away, leave him, leave the kids, I fear that I would.

"you already work, FGS"

No I'm a lazy cow, apparently.

"all those stresses would probably get heaped on you."

Fuck that. He wants me to work - he can take the strain.

"presumably you didn't trick him into marriage and children"

Absolutely not, and I'm proud of that. Both DCs were well and truly planned.

I think if you both agree that home based care is what's best for your DC then your DH needs to acknowledge your contribution and stfu. Does he really say you're a lazy cow?

Could you both work p/t? This would spread all the various loads more evenly between you and give him a chance to suffer the hell that is trying to keep two toddlers alive and entertained have the pleasure of staying at home with the DC.

How is your relationship apart from this issue?

"He's an IT team leader. ... I'll never earn as much as him (13 year age gap)."

Don't write yourself off BlackMaryJanes. If earning as much as him is truly his heart's desire (and yours), then you can do it, provided you pick a sufficiently well-paid area to go into (IT is a good one). But it will require some sacrifices on his part and yours...

DP is 7 years older than me, so not quite such an age gap but when we first started our relationship about 14 years ago he had a professional role and I didn't - earned about 50% more than me. I studied part-time, we moved a couple of times so I could follow better roles (the first move was necessary, the second I could probably have found something closer if I'd given it a bit longer). Now I earn slightly more than him (on mat leave at the moment) and his salary has gone up in the meantime (by about 50% again). (We're both on around 40K at the moment. Could be on more if we both went for management roles but have chosen not to at the moment, hoping to both go part-time after mat leave.) We didn't have kids then, so have upped the hours below (but I really didn't do any housework at all when I was working full-time and studying part-time - my supper arrived under my nose when I was studying in the evenings and DP did absolutely everything else housework-wise, while working full-time in a reasonably senior job. Actually, your DH's job, as it happens.)

So, if he's willing to do the following:

1. No more late nights at work for him. In fact, he needs to expect to give up 100% of his evenings while you're training/getting your foot on the ladder. And probably a few weekends too, for big study/work deadlines.

How many lates does he do currently? I'm guessing in a team lead role he does a few. Plus if he's still technical he'll probably expect to spend a few hours at the weekend geeking about keeping up with new tech. That will need to go, he might get a little bit of weekend time just to keep his hand in but should expect it to drop significantly - your time now.

2. Next few career moves - those are YOURS. Not his. He needs to fit around your needs, if he wants you to be able to catch up career-wise. But that's okay, you'll be working really hard and he'll have had the stress of being sole earner taken off him.

(Of course this is ignoring the 13 years of retirement time he'll be spending relaxing while you're working your socks off to keep him in luxuries.) But it's do-able, if that's really what he wants, and not just a convenient thing to grumble about when he's had a crappy week. Or, as suggested, you could both go for something in between the extremes.

Tell you what, why doesn't he try it out now to see how it feels? If he spends the next fortnight or so doing 100% of the evenings (might take a little while for him to get up to speed if you've been doing it all), and at least 2 weekends where you get a good 6 hours a day free time (and don't have to do extra to pick up laundry/cleaning afterwards!), that will give him a taster of what it might be like if you're going absolutely hell-for-leather career-wise. (You can spend the time researching possibilities, though I'd recommend you spend at least some of that time brushing up on an old skill/starting to learn a new one.)

Then you both have an useful benchmark and can work back from there to something a bit more moderate that will work for you. (Or you might decide you love it!)

OK. I am a WOHM. I love my kids to bits, but WOH is, IMHO, easier than I remember maternity leave being. I enjoy doing something different. I am not exhausted all the time, and am lucky enough to be able to home to make tea, put them to bed. (I go in early and finish early, dh takes them to school, goes in late and finishes late) Even given the cost of childcare we are better off than with me not working and I am TERRIBLE at housework. If you do go back, would strongly advise getting a cleaner if you can afford it! And strictly rotate who takes time off when they are ill/have an assembly/childcare goes to custard. Need also to share laundry and cooking. If he wants you to go back, then he wil have to provide the conditions for you to work.

If he wants you to go back, then he will have to provide the conditions for you to work

I agree but I suspect that will be the hard part. If he thinks as a SAHM OP has 'got it easy' and is being resentful despite that being a mutual decision, the prospect of him taking a proper share of illness cover, domestic chores and picking up/dropping off kids is likely to be remote.

There are so many people who, it seems, don't like the hard work family life entails and just want it to be magically taken care of without their input. Not a very adult position.

He's traying to call my bluff: "you wont get a job, you're too lazy"

If his abuse has reached that kind of level then I don't think this is just about SAHM/WOHM. It sounds more serious and fundamental than that. Sorry.

I wouldn't call it 'abuse'. We just dont appreciate each other.

If you want to get a job and work, do it because you want to get a job and work. Not because you feel you need to do that to get respect from your partner. If the latter is the case that is something that needs addressing in your relationship. The final sentence of your post really points to some underlying unhappiness and resentment and I don't think that would simply be solved by getting a job. Are you able to sit down with your DH at all and have a frank talk about how you both do different things but you both contribute equally to the relationship (i.e. you don't have to be carbon copies of each other to be seen to be pulling your weight)? Or otherwise some sort of couple's counselling?

From a practical point of view, working when you have kids is very doable, but of course there are benefits and drawbacks to consider. When I look after my DS full time I get very fed up and short tempered and I don't feel like I'm the best mother I can be. At that point I stop enjoying DSs company. However working gives me a balance in life which gives me a sense of professional and personal accomplishment and gives me the 'head space' I need in order to then be a good mother the rest of the time (and most of all, enjoy the time I spend with DS immensely).

Your dh sounds really unkind and unappreciative.

This isn't about work/not working. This is about your contribution to family life being completely unvalued. It may be a no-win situations whateer you do.

I think you and dh need to sort this out, before you make any decisions.

Fwiw, I've been a sahm and a wohm and both have good and bad points. However, at the moment you are financially dependent on someone who doesn't appear to respect you or what you do. I wouldn't feel comfortable in that situation.

I can give you a specific example of a really low point being a WOHM. I work in policing, so in return for my employer being flexible with me around childcare, i am expected to be hugely flexible in return - unsocial hours, responding to urgent tasks by staying late etc.

On one occasion my day was so bad at work that i managed both to miss my DS's immunisations and got to the CM just as all the other children were tucking into their substantial dinners while my poor baby sat there nibbling on an orange because i hadn't anticipated being late to collect him. CM was just about to cook him something from her fridge, but even so, i burst into tears at the thought of having neglected my one year old DS. I will never forget it.

And now, i find myself in competition with my CM. The other day she wanted to do baking with them all, which was a lovely idea of course. But i was secretly pleased that in the end she wasn't able to because it would have been my DS's first 'baking' which should be with his mummy! She was also the first one to spot his first tooth coming through, etc. Emotionally, it's bloody hard.

But i love my job. Mostly. And i have a career and still manage to put my child first. A child I have an exceptionally close bond with, despite my hours. I do the best i can for my DS, with DH's help, and the guilt has subsided.

But this won't suit everyone and being a SAHP is all consuming. It sounds like you're not appreciated, or respected, and that is what you have to address with your DP.

Sometimes you just need to remind yourself of why you ever got together in the first place. It can't have always been bad (I am assuming), and you have two very young children - if you are in the same position as me, this means they are still not going through the night - so one or both of you are sleep deprived, and both of you feels that the other one is doing less, and this is probably at the root of the spiteful comments. It feels like a very long road.

If you both decided that you were going to be a SAHM, you probably need to make sure that you both think the reasons for that decision are still valid. This should be about what is best for you all as a family. If it turns out that it suits you all that you are a SAHM, then he needs to accept that this does not make you lazy, but accommodating!