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Parenting

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Original poster

Nuisance father in law

18 replies

Notsoyummymummy1 · 31/03/2013 17:07

My father in law is a pain in the arse. We have to go and have dinner with my inlaws once a week and I dread it. He constantly interferes with me trying to feed my dd - he takes the spoon from my hand and says "let me do it!" and he keeps trying to feed her things I don't want her to have like crisps but even though I say no he stuffs them into her mouth anyway! It makes me so anxious and I loathe him for it. Dh thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing - how do I deal with this? Does anyone else have interfering inlaws?

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MrsSham · 31/03/2013 17:13

Once a week for dinner is OTT is it not? I would start reducing the dinner visits regardless. Just tell him straight he must not feed your dd those things and have it out with him.

elQuintoConyo · 31/03/2013 17:23

Put your foot down. Once a week would drive me nuts - I live in Spain and e-v-e-r-y-b-o-d-y goes to their parents' for Sunday lunch every week, it's impossible to invite them to ours for tea or arrange a day on the beach/park/etc. Luckily I don't have nutty in-laws so have narrowly avoided that one.

As to taking over the feeding and feeding her crap, you really just have to keep hold of the spoon and say 'please don't' with eye-contact. Your DP should be backing you up - explain why you don't like it and even if he disagrees with you, he should be backing YOU up. Ditto the shit food.

Otherwise go straight to FIL and explain it all to him, in private. Make it clear that he can disagree with you all he likes, but your child = your terms. Oh, and you'll be going to lunch once a month, thanks.

Good luck, ILs can be tricky. I'm sure he just wants to please your LO but comes across as a controlling nut!

Iggly · 31/03/2013 21:37

Don't go so often.

Tell your DH that it bothers you so he should be stepping in not dismissing you.

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shellshock7 · 31/03/2013 22:45

I feel you're pain...if you let him feed her the food you want her to have, would he stop trying to give her crisps etc?

holeinmytights · 31/03/2013 22:51

I feel your pain, I have a similar pain in the arse FIL, last time he was here he picked up carrots and peas from dcs dinner in his smelly faggy fingers and tried to feed them to dcs. He also grabs them and won't let them go as part of a hilarious game which generally makes them cry. It's hard to stand up to people like that if you are by nature a polite person, you have to on this one though. Be ready for him to try to take the spoon and hold on to it firmly saying 'It's ok thanks, I'll feed her'. If he takes it anyway say firmly, "please can I have the spoon back, I would prefer to feed her'. I know it's hard but once you've done it once it will be easier the next time.

My FIL always used to grab dd from me as a baby when she was tired or whingy, making her much worse, and I got the guts up to hold on to her firmly and say, Sorry, I'll hold her please, she's tired. After the first time it was easier to keep saying it till her got the message.

Original poster

Notsoyummymummy1 · 01/04/2013 17:31

Thanks folks - it is very hard to stand up to him - he's a very dominant personality. We now have to go away with them every year and I dread it. The crisp thing is more for her safety - she's only 12 months and they could easily get stuck in her throat. Dh has promised to speak to him let's hope it does some good.

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HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm · 01/04/2013 18:41

Think of him as an oversized toddler. Give him something to do, FIL, could you help dd with her pudding please? Praise helpful begaviour. But wrt crisps, just look straight in the eye and say, dd is not allowed crisps, they're dangerous. If ignored, go with, no thank you, very firmly. If that fails, remove from your daughters mouth, place in bin and don't say another word.

If you want this to stop, all you have to do is stand up for yourself, very firmly.

Not easy though!

Good luck.

LittleBairn · 01/04/2013 18:51

You don't HAVE to go anywhere, does your DH not care about your feelings?
It's time to set some boundaries it won't be plesent but in time he will learn. He dominates you because you allow it, it's time to stand up for yourself otherwise he will continue to undermine you.

Some tactics
He goes to give the crisps you take them off HIM say a firm "No" don't get into a discussion. MN saying No1. NO is a complete sentence.

When he goes to take the spoon, hold firm say nothing but make it clear he's not snatching the spoon from you.
If he challenges you or just generally puts you down MN saying No. 2"did you mean to be so rude..."

If he STILL doesn't get it You do MN saying No.3 "you have had your turn to raise your children, now it's our turn to do as we choose."

If all these fail you start limiting your exposure to them if they enquire why be completely honest your FIL upsets you and you find spending time with them unpleasant.

brettgirl2 · 01/04/2013 19:48

Does a 12 month old need spoon feeding by anyone? Let lo feed themselves, problem solved.

Original poster

Notsoyummymummy1 · 01/04/2013 23:27

She does feed herself finger food but certain foods needs eating with a spoon which she hasn't quite got the hang of yet herself although I'm encouraging her every day and she's not far off. To be honest it doesn't stop him interfering even when she feeds herself.

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Notsoyummymummy1 · 01/06/2013 11:14

Ugh he tried feeding her beer the other day but luckily dh stopped him! This man makes life so stressful!

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Vividmemories · 01/06/2013 12:55

Beer?! This isn't just a difference on patenting styles, he clearly is being a shit. Get your DH on your side. Visit him less. Be assertive (polite but firm) - she's your child.

Vividmemories · 01/06/2013 12:56

*in parenting styles (/autocorrect!)

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 01/06/2013 12:58

You HAVE to go away with your in-laws? Or what? I would definitely cut that one out.

FortyFacedFuckers · 01/06/2013 13:36

Beer?? Seriously I would not be going for lunch with them.

droopytulip · 01/06/2013 13:39

Be firm everytime but this will probably be an on going thing to keep in check. I have had 14 years if it now and its not often but I do have to pull him up on occasion. I also get quietly cross with MIL if it was my DH being an arse I'm pretty sure I would be the first to put a stop to it. And please don't go on holiday if you dread it. Life is far too short to spend that precious time with ILs that stress you out. We have been asked twice now and caused DH and myself to have huge arguments on both occasions. Try and flip it. Would your DH want to spend his holidays with your family? At least I hope these years have gave me an insure of how not to be ILs.

mummy2benji · 03/06/2013 08:10

Beer????!!! I would go nuts. Draw the line and point out that that is dangerous and in no way amusing and you won't be going there if he doesn't accept that. As a GP I would consider feeding a 12 month old alcohol a child protection issue.

princessx · 03/06/2013 09:12

I feel your pain. Both fil and mil have this weird issue with feeding dd. they have been divorced for 20yrs but still equally annoying.

I tried blw from day one, I made a massive point of explaining it to mil and to my outrage she would try and spoon feed dd at every meal! When I was sitting right next to dd. she'd get a spoon from the kitchen, load it up and approach her and try and put it in her mouth.

Every single meal and snack is still full of stress when mil is around. I agree with posters above that its to do with control and if you lay down the law with food/mealtimes it might help.

Treating fil like a toddler is a great idea - getting him to help plus distraction technique.

I suppose I would add not to go over the top with your inlaws. Dd has a really good relationship with hers and its nice for her to be surrounded with people who love her. Maybe you could try to still see them once a week but for park plus a cup of tea or something.

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