Hand holding needed - 8wo baby and finding it all so hard

[roamingwest]

DH and I are living 2 hrs away from home for the year because of his job, the day DD was born he was told he has to move again over the summer. I spent lots of time over the first weeks after giving birth trying to rearrange my training to fit in with this.

My mum comes down to help me and I've been spending time at home but the travel and changes of environment seem to upset DD. DH's family are great but no practical help has been offered.

DD is hard work over and above the usual - I've been struggling to maintain breast feeding, she is getting a tongue tie snipped tomorrow and I've had to go dairy free which has helped hugely with her tummy pains and poos but DH doesn't seem interested in any of this and just thinks she's a challenging baby.

DH has a demanding job and is studying for exams and just doesn't seem engaged with DD at all, he only sees her for short periods at night when she is usually upset, so he isn't confident to help me with her which means I don't get a break which makes things worse. I know that 'this too will pass' but this just isn't how I thought it would be

It sounds like you're going through a really rough time. Are you managing to get out? Can you find a local group or two just to be seen out and about... Even if you didn't do an NCT class, they often run free local drop in sessions near by - have a look for 'NCT of area' on Facebook for ideas. Or breast feeding groups can be a good place to find people going through the same thing

8 weeks is a bad time, and I found that from 12 weeks things started picking up, and I promise things start getting easier. Have you asked your DP to do more? Is he scared of holding a tiny baby?

Hope things get easier for you.

I have a 9 month old and really did not enjoy the first few months. It us hard! For me it got loads easier at 3 months and then just kept getting easier. My partner has other children and told me that he had found the others pretty boring until about 6 months. I couldn't understand this and was hurt on behalf of my boy. However, I understand now as babies are pretty boring until they can laugh, interact etc. Still, it wasn't very helpful. I felt like a single mum as he was working or seeing his other boys a lot! I am rambling now but what im trying to say is it will get easier and your partner will find it easier to be more involved soon. In the meantime have you told him how you feel? Cling on in there.

Wow that sounds hard - can't really offer advice regarding the practical aspects but just wanted to say the early weeks are a bit more about you and baby, my DH felt a bit like a spare part for the first months despite doing all the same caring things apart from BFing, I guess he had a more "supporting" role than being at the centre of it all IYSWIM. He bonded more gradually than me but now DD is 21 months is as besotted as I am. (I think newborns are like a cross between potted plants and puppies in a lot of ways, so you can imagine it's harder for men to get enthused)

It's great you're getting help with feeding - hopefully it will help overall, I know I found establishing BFing stressful at first as there wasn't much RL help.

Otherwise I guess it sounds like you need to get more outside help from family/friends, at least until his exams are over with. I'd certainly ask for help in the short term, I'm sure people will be happy to help.

Thanks for the replies! I am getting out a fair bit to try to keep sane! Good to know that others have found it tough too, my friends are obviously great big liars as they've appeared to sail through... Will hang on in there and wait for things improve

I've got an 8 week old and I'm finding it a doddle. Do you want to know the secret?

I've got a really easy baby. She feeds in under ten minutes, sleeps for hours in the day and at night, settles in her Moses basket for naps without any hassle. She also rarely cries.

My first baby was far more challenging, a bad sleeper, liked to be held, cried if put down, really fought naps. I struggled.

So if you see someone genuinely finding it easy, they've got an easy baby, lucky them. You haven't, so you need a bit more help. No shame in that.

I do feel for you. It sounds very very hard work. I can relate to everything you've said really. My DS1 was a very challenging baby, (so is DS2 but in slightly different ways). I felt very isolated and you pretty much summed it up with your comment 'it just isn't what I thought it would be.' When I was pregnant I saw me and DH cooing over a smiling baby, a beautiful snuggly newborn baby happy kicking about on a play mat, nice walks in the park, DS asleep in the pram etc etc. The reality was so different from that. A screaming, red angry baby back arching and writhing about in my arms, fighting sleep, me and DH stressed and frought, me feeling like an uter failure. It really wasn't that happy magical time I felt like everyone else was having.

Bottom line is that it gets better. It really really does. Pretty soon you'll get to know what works, your baby will develop, hopefully the tongue tie getting cut will help but for us it was just a matter of time until DS1 grew and developed. Don't rule out medical things such as milk intolerance or reflux but for us we tried everything and he was just not happy being a baby.

It's still really early days, she may well settle gradually over the next few weeks.

My DS1 is 5 now and seriously not hard work or challenging at all. He's wonderful. Just wanted to give you hope that it really will pass.

DS2 is now 14 months and has cheered up over the last few months but it still tricky and whiney. It will get better and you aren't the only one who has felt this way!

Dc1 is very hard and it does take a while to get used to having this constant in your life. Try and get as much help as you can and if family or friends cannot help, if not, try to see if there is a local childminder who can help for a few hours if you need to rest. You do need to try and get dh to engage. I am lucky as dh is involved tho I do understand when people have a demanding job (I have 3 kids but have a demanding Jon). Dh also,did,MBA when I was pg with dd2 but I got a lot of help from family. But I was depressed too and sometimes dh had 2 hours sleep because of work/studying/getting up for kids because I was excessively checking them. Dh needs to learn to help - even if its only on a sat or sun morning. I hope things get better soon but realise you can't be super mum and do what you can to get me time. It does get easier. Dc1 will start sleeping thru more around 3 months so get the rest before,teething! One thing u have to get used to is realising you will think you have cracked it one minute, but baby will throw you a curve ball. Think of it as a roller coaster but try not to worry about it! Also,use health visitor as much as poss. Good luck .... It gets easier! I have 3 and best thing I ever did!

It's so good to hear that it does get better. I have a very very very demanding 9 week old. All I do is just keep telling myself it is just a stage to get through and that it will become rewarding at some point. My OH works a lot too and is just not good with DS at all, does not really get involved. My family is miles away and I'm pretty much on my own with a screaming baby. Sometimes I leave him for a few minutes because I need a good cry myself and no point to try and soothe him if I'm upset myself.

8 weeks is SO YOUNG and yes it is exhausting at that point. Don't push yourself, you are doing great to just get through the day. and night. It will get easier. There will come a point when you can feel it getting easier every week, every month.

do find ways to get DH to help, either state the obvious (he might feel he doesn't know what to do, so he just won't try), eg "can you hold her like this, that seems to help her tummy, while I go to the bathroom". and also (though it sounds like the opposite advice) if he does do something eg a nappy change try not to leap in as a "back-seat-parent" so he starts to work out his own way of parenting?

Get a really comfy baby sling to use. 3 of my 5 DCs were very sickie babies who cried a lot with tummy pains. They were more comfortable upright in a sling and it enabled me to do more, with my hands free. Even going to the toilet used to leave them hysterical because I had put them down. I learnt to do this with a baby in the sling as well.

My sister used to put her DC in the car to get them to sleep and take sewing, reading books, or whatever she wanted to do with her. She would drive until they went to sleep and then pull over and do her activity, then if they woke up drive a bit more. She did this until she had finished her sewing or whatever she wanted to do. Depends if you have a car and if your baby likes it though.

Toddler groups and under 1s groups are great for support. You might even find a few mums there who will hold the baby for a while and give you a break.

Hang in there, it does get easier, so don't dispair.

I think many mums struggle in the early days....and these are still very early days. However, many people look back with rose tinted specs I think and forget how difficult it really was. Glad you are getting support with feeding....NCT and La leche league may be able to support you some more. Look out for groups at your local sure start for talking to other mums at the same stage. A stretchy wrap carrier ( moby or close type slings) could make a real difference to you and i'd really advise you to give it a go...especially for a high need baby as you describe. Dr Sears has written a fantastic book about high need babies with really helpful practical advice...bet you could find it on Amazon. Oh and don't forget to take lots of photos. as you sat, this too shall pass, and you'll be the one with the rose tinted specs soon. Be kind to yourself....best wishes.

I totally empathise. My ds1 had severe silent reflux which resulted in feeding refusal - in and out of hospital 10 times and feeding tubes before he was 1. Feeds had to be conducted in the living room, with a hypnotic baby dvd on, no-one else around or any other sounds, and even then they were 2 hours of screaming and occasional drinking. My dh was very supportive but is a surgon and works long hours. We were also living away from home in a rented flat for a year as part of his training took us elsewhere. I couldn't get out of the house because all I did was attempt to feed, and felt very isolated and depressed. This time round with dd2 it has been easier to an extent as although she is still quite a difficult feeder it is nowhere near as extreme as it was with ds, but dh had his final exams a week after dd was born and then when she was 3 months old. My MIL came to stay when dd was born to help me. Thankfully he passed his exams and life is now starting to become a bit easier. He doesn't have the bond and experience with dd2 that he had with ds though, because he hasn't been involved. Hopefully that will come with time. Your dh probably needs more time with your lo too, will his exams finish soon? Or maybe he can get a bit of holiday from work and you can spend some time being a family? Having a baby takes a lot of getting used to and I think it can be hard for dads to bond sometimes if they aren't getting to do much baby care. Part of that is a time issue, which hopefully he can work on trying to improve, but some of that also involves you learning to relinquish control a little - it is hard when you do all the baby care and know what they need / what works etc to then let someone else 'have a go on them'! But dads need to be involved and to an extent you have to let them make some mistakes and learn how to care for baby themselves.

I am so sorry u are going through this. I have 4 kids and still remember the horror of being a first time mum. Its really lonely and hard work. Sometimes with partners, I think they just have to be thrown in the deep end in the same way that you are. You have to just leave him to get on with it. When he gets in just leave the baby with nappies etc with him n go for a walk or bath whatever.

You will feel down, because it is a massive adjustment but accept that this is the way things are but that they will get better. Do what you have to do to keep yourself n baby happy and most importantly dont worry about what u should be doing. I have become more relaxed with each of my babies.. when you get that shitty feeling when you feel as though youre losing control, quite literally take a deep breath n start again. You will be fine.

oh and the usual tricks.. washing machines,hoover, showers n running water (handy when you need the loo), drives, rocking in a sort of figures of 8, sitting on the bed n doing little bouncy movements .. all great for getting them to sleep... exciting being a mum isnt it!

try health visitor for list of parent and baby groups. Church/similar based groups will probably offer more actual help.

Don't panic - it is a major life change; your dp doesn't seem to have grasped this.
For God's sake don't accept the ludicrous notion that there is A RIGHT WAY to do it. Do what seems best for you. It seems that way because it is. Treat yourself to something every day. Your lovely baby has no idea how difficult she is :)
The whole thing will seem easier gradually.

look after yourself