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Original poster

Feeling sad - baby not cuddly

34 replies

can6342 · 22/03/2013 12:31

My ds is 4 months and cries/whinges a lot. He has never been cuddly and gets upset if he's not held in exactly the right position. He doesn't snuggle into me ever. He gives me lots of smiles too but I have to work for it, IYSWIM?
He's my first child but he seems so different to everyone else's chilled-out babies.
I had just accepted that's the way he is.
However whenever my dad and PIL come to see him, they make comments about his temperament and compare him to other, 'better behaved' babies and this really hurts. Like I've done something wrong.
The other day I was holding DS so he could fall asleep on my lap, and he was crying/wriggling as he always does just before falling asleep. My MIL said "DS - Are you rejecting your mother?"
I feel so silly but I can't get these words out of my head, and think of it every time he cries... Which is a lot!
I'm normally thick-skinned about stupid comments but MIL has really touched a nerve. Now when he cries, I often end up crying too.
Does anyone else have a baby like this? Am I doing something wrong? He naps/sleeps fairly well so I know he's not overtired. I feel like such a crap mum Sad

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BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound · 22/03/2013 12:38

That was a thoughtless untrue stupid think for them to say. Baby don't know how to be bold. Babies are all different,I know in my family I had snugglers and independents. With the independent one I tended to chat to her more than snuggle and she was happy at that. Benefits of having an independent toddler is I can bring her to any play group and she will get up and play no probs.

Jojobump1986 · 22/03/2013 12:39

My DS was never one to fall asleep while held. When he got tired he'd cry until we put him down before falling asleep! He's now 17m & is a v independent child but loves to bring us books to read & always comes running over to give me a kiss if I ask for one! He'll happily play most of the day without needing me with him which is handy if I need to do things but sometimes I think I would be nice if he actually seemed to notice when I leave the room! He gets left at a crèche once a week & has never got upset when we leave or really reacted when we return. Tbh, it

Jojobump1986 · 22/03/2013 12:45

Oops, he's shoving a book at me!

Tbh, it's made me a bit concerned about autism but he's not displaying any other traits & can be very social when he wants to be! Like now!

It's hard to have an uncuddly baby but it really is just a personality thing. It's nothing you're doing wrong. Ignore anyone who makes you think otherwise! Smile

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TolliverGroat · 22/03/2013 12:57

He'll probably get cuddly later. DS was like that for ages (I only got cuddles when he was ill) but is probably the cuddliest of my children now.

Teladi · 22/03/2013 13:04

My DD was like that too, while simultaneously having massive stranger anxiety. So she wanted to be ON me but heaven help you if you held her too close! She is now 19 months and comes up to me to cuddle me and give me a 'tissssss'. She prefers her dad to me at the moment but I'll take what I can get!

Original poster
can6342 · 22/03/2013 13:10

Thanks all, I have also worried about autism Sad
I hope that he will be cuddly one day, but if he's not that's fine too.
I feel like we're OK when its just me, DH and DS but after we have the extended family come round and pass judgement, it sticks with me and can upset me for days. I will tell them to keep their thoughts to themselves.

OP posts:
Purplecatti · 22/03/2013 14:19

Tell them to sod off

MumOfTheMoos · 22/03/2013 14:31

Ignore them.

My DS has been poorly the last 24 hours and I've had more cuddles in the last 24 hours than all the time since he was a new born (now 11 months).

He likes being carried around but he doesn't lean i,n just finds it more interesting. He's very independent when playing and very rarely notices when I'm not there.

I know he loves e though - lots and even if someone were to say something to me as mean as your Mil, I wouldn't care, cos I'm his mum and I know him best.

havingamadmoment · 22/03/2013 15:23

my children have been various degrees of "cuddly". DC5 is 13 months now and clings like a leech at her age dc1 would barely tolerate being on my lap for longer than 30 seconds. I didnt do anything differently and all of my children grew to be loving, close and "cuddly".I would say this dc1 is an adventurer, she goes off to see the world in her own way and always has done. I think sometimes the excitement of the world gets to even the youngest babies, they are not rejecting you they are just eager to see whats out there.

comeonbishbosh · 22/03/2013 16:46

DD1 v non cuddley and fractious as a baby. It was hard. But once she got to be a toddler she did start to snuggle, and it was all the more precious! She has never neen clingy and Now 3years I think she is the perfect combination of independent and affectionate!

SnazzyFizzle · 22/03/2013 16:50

My dd was exactly like that at that age, she has now got cuddly again at 11 months.

Think its just a stage they go through, they are just realising whats around themso want to be constantly looking/moving around.

Try not to take offhand comments to heart, I know they are not nice to hear but just shrug them off. My dm often comes out with belters but I have learned to just ignore them.

comeonbishbosh · 22/03/2013 16:52

And DD2 (8 weeks) also shaping up to be a spectacularly un-cuddly baby! Obviously my 'thing'. But though the crying is tough I remind myself that DD1 turned out alright! Mu take on it is some babies are just not especially contented, but they can turn into v happy little children. Sorry to hear your MIL so judgy pants.

Nagoo · 22/03/2013 16:55

Googirl was the same. Your mil was thoughtless, it wasn't a kind thing to say. Googirl fell asleep in my arms two times in the last 2.4 years. I was Envy of huggly babies, I know how you feel Thanks

You will get the cuddles. When you want him to walk anywhere he will suddenly decide he really needs a cuddle :o

Mynewmoniker · 22/03/2013 16:55

My second was a no cuddles independant. I worried. Turned out to be a sociable, lovable, emotional, caring, independant 30 year old now who two days ago went on an African safari and is now climbing Kilimanjaro as I type. Smile

I had no need to worry...a neither do you.

musickeepsmesane · 22/03/2013 16:56

Flowers your MIL sounds hard work! Pass judgement! bugger that Angry I agree with everyone else. Jeez the thoughtlessness of some people. bit judgementy of me Flowers

minipie · 22/03/2013 18:21

non cuddly is one thing but if he is whiny/cries a lot and is only comfortable in certain positions, there might possibly be something physical going on. it's a bit woo but you could consider seeing a cranial osteopath (find one via personal recommendation if you can). my dd was a very tense wriggly baby who never seemed comfortable, seeing a CO helped a lot and she's now much much more chilled and relaxed being held.

MoelFammau · 23/03/2013 13:34

Ignore!

DD wasn't cuddly and suffered badly with silent reflux so never was one to lie contented on her back in the cot, pram, on your lap etc.

She began seeking cuddles and enjoy snuggles when she hit 7-8mo. And she never did the separation anxiety thing which made people really warm to her once over the first 6 months! She's now 22mo and EVERYONE comments about how social and chatty and happy she is.

EnglishGirlApproximately · 23/03/2013 13:55

Ds has just turned one and I can force him into the occasional 30 second cuddle but that's about all. He just likes doing stuff which is ok, its just the way he is. The only time he comes to me is when he falls or bangs into something then wants a cuddle for the few seconds it takes him to realise he hasn't actually hurt himself!

OddBoots · 23/03/2013 13:58

My un-cuddly baby son was a very curious toddler, a chatterbox child and is now a very cuddly teenager. They're all different. You've done nothing wrong. He is not rejecting you.

girliefriend · 23/03/2013 14:06

my dd was a bit like this, even now and she is 7yo she likes her own personal space. She will come to me for a cuddle if she is feeling sad or poorly but it is very much on her own terms.

your mil sounds like an unhelpful pita but my guess is its one of those things where you open your mouth before engaging your brain!

With my dd she always slept much better when I started putting her in her cot during the days for naps, she never liked sleeping on me and would just get more wound up!

exoticfruits · 23/03/2013 14:07

All children are different. People always seem to imagine one size fits all as in 'attachment parenting'-it is fine if your baby suits it but some babies simply want to be put down and have their own space. There is nothing wrong in it-one isn't superior. It all goes to show that instead of using books people should wait until they get to know their own particular baby and respond to the one they have.
He may be cuddly later on, he may not. He is very little and he may well be completely different once he can move around. A friend had a baby that I found difficult to like because she was so miserable-I think she just didn't like being a baby-once she was a toddler she was very smiley.

Original poster
can6342 · 23/03/2013 14:15

Ahh, thanks everyone. Its good to know I'm not the only one.
I'm going to look into silent reflux, as he seems to have a lot of the symptoms.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 23/03/2013 14:22

The other day I was holding DS so he could fall asleep on my lap, and he was crying/wriggling as he always does just before falling asleep. My MIL said "DS - Are you rejecting your mother?"
I feel so silly but I can't get these words out of my head, and think of it every time he cries... Which is a lot!

This really isn't helpful!! Neither are the other comments about behaviour-he is 4 months old! He doesn't know what 'good' behaviour is-let alone that he should have it! By the time he is 4 yrs he will know what behaviour is expected-and with luck fit in with it.
I would do my standard, smile nod and ignore. If pressed just pass the opinion, in a mild, friendly way, that they are all different and change the subject.

Pinkflipflop · 23/03/2013 14:24

I would definitely call my MIL on it if she made a comment like that! Rude, nasty, thoughtless and absolutely not the thing you should say to a new and first time mum!

My Ds is 7 weeks and he is good most of the time but can get very grizzly (we are still working out what each cry means etc) so if someone made a comment like this I would be telling the to sod off!

Lifeisontheup · 23/03/2013 14:27

My DD never fell asleep on my lap unless she was really poorly. Co-sleeping was her idea of hell, she wanted her own cot and her own space.
She was an independent toddler and was never a problem leaving at party's.
She's now 21 and happy and affectionate.
For what it's worth my youngest was the most cuddly of my children as a baby and he has ASD.