DS is 20 months and still not sleeping through - help!

[NishiNoUsagi]

I hope this post will make sense as I'm very sleep deprived

DS2 was a very good sleeper for the first few months, but as he got older his sleeping got worse. I was bfing until he was a year old, and he got really reliant on falling asleep on the boob. I would then pop him in his cot, and whenever he woke and realised I wasn't there he would go crazy, and wouldn't settle unless picked up.

Even after I stopped bfing he was very clingy, eventually got him used to falling asleep in his own bed, on his own, but I had to stay in the room or he would scream his head off. Our routine now is that I pop him in bed after the bedtime routine, lights off, sit by the door and wait for him to sleep. Usually very quick and painless.

However he still wakes up up to 3/4 times in the night and can't seem to settle himself. Full on screaming, eyes glazed, almost like a night terror in that he won't really make eye contact with me/notice me even if I pick him up

I know, I know I made a huge rod for my back bfing him to sleep all those months, but I loved those cuddles and it was the only 1 on 1 time for us.

He's now 20 months, goes to bed at 7:30, will go to sleep quite well on the condition I don't leave his room till he's asleep. Then awake at 11pm, 3am, 5am at least. Really really exhausted now. Any advice for getting him to settle? I don't really want to try cc/cio, but obviously need to do something. Thanks in advance for any help!

If he's screaming like that then something is wrong.

Did his sleep get worse on weaning onto solids? What's his diet like? Spicy food, windy food (onions, green veg), dairy?

What about tv?

Physical exercise?

Naps?

Thanks for replying Iggly

His sleep got much better when he started solids. His diet is quite varied, nothing too spicy, a good amount of fruit and veg but not overdoing it. Doesn't really have sugary snacks.. Drinks lots of milk but poos are fine, doesn't suffer with wind.

He's not really interested in TV, although will watch for 5 mins in the evening before he rushes off to do something.

Exercise is something I'm worried about actually as he's been poorly with chest infections and coughs since December so haven't taken him out for a run as much as usual, on reflection that may have been the wrong thing to do. Recently though he's walking the school run with me to pick up his brother, constantly on the move at home or if we go to a park.

He naps 1 and half/2 hours ish a day, and usually wakes up in an awful mood - will cry regardless of being held or not held, soothed or not, ignored or not, then after 5 or 10 mins will toddle off quite happily

At night, if he wakes up and can see me he'll happily roll over and go back to sleep, but if he wakes up and I'm not there and starts crying, it's quite hard to settle him again. So I do feel like it's more separation anxiety than an illness (although I could be wrong). But at 20 months, surely that's strange!

He's been poorly on and off for such a long time that I think he's used to waking up feeling rotten/having extra hugs/being allowed in my bed when poorly. So I have to sleep train him when he's better, then he'll get another cold When he's completely healthy he can surprise me by going the whole night without waking up, but that's been rare recently..

God its exhausting isn't it! DS is 18 months and sounds very similar to yours.
When sleep training DS I kind of do gradual withdrawal (try searching for an old thread in sleep called what worked for us), but I don't tend to leave his side (because he goes crazy if I leave the room before he's asleep) so I just lie down by the side of the cot, pat him and tell him to lie down. Works pretty well after a rough first couple of nights and will sleep all night sometimes, though not all the time. Though like your DS, my little boy has been ill pretty much constantly since Dec. Just as I train him and we have a few good nights and I start to get hopeful, he gets ill again and we're back to square one. I did all the things you're not supposed to do. Sometimes I feel that worn out I think that I should have been strict from day one then I wouldn't be in this mess!

Well if he's unwell there is no point sleep training. Is he teething too? Do you give calpol?

Would you consider him sharing a room if it's company he's after? Might help a bit?

My ds had a blip at this age. We slept in his room some nights then he got better and slept through. He's back at a waking phase but he's ill and it'll pass again. I'm going to put him in with his sister when she's a bit older as he too likes to have someone around (which is fair enough - I don't like sleeping solo!)

ct148 It's so exhausting isn't it! Ds1 was a rubbish sleeper too, I'm shattered! Gradual withdrawal sounds very similar to what I'm doing, so that's a relief I'm getting something right! I will have a look for that thread, thank you. I know what you mean about being strict - but think of all the extra cuddles we would have missed out on! Hope your little one is feeling better soon, and good luck!!

Iggly I'm not sure if he's teething, he already has a lot of teeth, and calpol doesn't often settle him so maybe not. He shares a room with Ds1 (3) which they both love but he is much more settled if me or DH are next to his bed (not comfy!) or if he's in my bed. I often think I should chuck out their singles and put both DSs in a double bed - it may help! Hope your ds feels better soon too, can't wait till all these bugs are out of the way..

Tonight he went down to sleep perfectly, woke up 30 mins later crying, settled quickly with some shush-pat, woke up an hour later crying, threw up some mucus (runny nose and cough and a bit of a high temp atm) Changed bed and clothes, and he's off asleep with DH in our bed (no space for me!)

We actually bought a bed for us in DS's room....! Much easier that way.

Poor thing - have you had his ears checked for ear infection?

If he settles when you're there, would you consider cosleeping for a while? My twins are 2yrs5mo and settle so fast if I just stroke their backs, so I have them in bed with me. Means I don't have to get up in the night, just cuddle/stroke and we're all back to sleep in a moment. I love the cuddles too!

I realise cosleeping isn't for everyone, but it can work if the child wants the reassurance in the night. Maybe you could put a mattress on the flirt of your room so your DC could move in if he wants company?

One thing I would want to check is for obstructive sleep apnoea. Prob not this but kids with constant coughs and colds it may be due to adenoids and/or enlarged tonsils. This can make them wake frequently. I'd watch DS closely when deeply asleep and make sure his breathing is regular, any doubts and pop to GP for an ENT referral.

Other than that, I think you may need to wait for healthier times in summer and then really go for sleep training. Or cosleep if that helps and you're happy with it. Sleep deprivation is horrific. Good luck OP.

I'm in a similar place with my DS, nearly 17 months. He settles well at bedtime but at the mo is waking several times and can't go back to sleep without a bottle (I stopped bfing at about 12 mths). He has just started pushing the bottle away, sometimes, so maybe he is weaning himself.

To add to the mix he has got canines coming through and has awful cold.

Having had an older DD, I do think this is a rotten age for sleep anyway; teeth, trying to talk, susceptibility to bugs. IME once they get to 2 or so, it starts to get better. He won't be an awful sleeper forever.

Theres two schools of thought: (1), the view of many experts, eg Tanya Byron and many others, that you need to teach children to sleep through or (2) that eventually when they are developmentally ready, they sleep through.

It really is personal choice - how desperate are you! Can you and your family ride it out until he is older, or do you need to train him to sleep better (which will be painful and hard work initially but then should improve things eventually). Only you really know the answer.

Our own approach at the mo is just to try and go with it. He won't be like this forever and he is in a miserable phase at the mo. He sleeps fine if he is in bed with me, so that's what we do on bad nights. Its what we did with DD too, who from around 2 slept in her own bed absolutely fine most of the time.

However if it gets much worse we might be tipped over the edge ... so I havent permanently ruled out some sort of sleep boot camp for DS!

I should add that there have been two or three weeks this year where he did sleep well, so he can in theory manage it. I just think my DS gets very derailed by anything like a bug, teeth, lighter mornings etc. Of course at 17 months there is permanently something which is not quite right.

Thanks for all the replies, I'm not alone! (although that's not a good thing for us, is it!)

Iggly We took him to the doctors about 3 weeks ago for his cough/chest infection and his ears were fine, so hopefully they're still ok. It's tough at this age though because you can never be sure , can you..

Happy I really don't mind cosleeping overnight (he's very cute and snuggly and doesn't snore!), the tiring part is when he's waking up in the evening so I find myself leaping out of the shower to go to him, him waking up as soon as I brush my teeth/need a wee etc He has a radar! So I end up not getting myself ready for bed until late, with all the interruptions, which doesn't help with the exhaustion.

HP thanks for that info, I have a doctors appointment for him next week so I will ask about all of that and make sure they check his tonsils as well and his chest. Thank you!

Bumps It's non stop at this age isn't it! I think I'm fine with this while he's poorly, but I'll really need to do something when he's better. Not a fan of cio, but gradual withdrawal worked quite well before so hopefully it will work again!

DS1 actually co slept with us from 1 yr old, (small house) and he loved it at the time but now hates being in my bed! Even if he's poorly, he'll come in for half an hour then go back to his own bed.. fingers crossed then ds2 won't permanently be in my bed either!

Thanks for the help