Unconditional parenting and tantrums: what to do?

[Cbell]

So we've recently started experiencing more rage-full moments with our DD (2.3 years) and I'm wondering what approaches other UP employ.

I've been reading Alfie Kohn's book but I feel lot of the advice it targeted at older children. Our issues surround, hair washing, screen time, trying to get out the house. Nothing new or original.

My DH favours ignoring the behaviour and carrying on as normal once the tantrum is over. I don't want her to feel we've shut down on her as soon as she's cross but I don't want to reinforce the behaviour either.

So what do you do I the moment?

I don't practice UP, I'm more AP and gentle parenting, but when my DS tantrums I offer him a hug, I'd say 75% of the time he runs over for a hug, has a cry and then is fine. The other 25% he refuses a hug, so I just make sure he's safe and can't hurt himself or others, and let him tantrum as I don't think it's good for him to withhold his emotions. I figure that he knows the hug is there for him as soon as he's ready so I'm not shutting down, I'm allowing him to vent his frustrations and I'm there when he's done.

Humour is always a good difuser. Not a fan of UP but Playful Parenting is good.

I have three and dad recently left home and I have got to say this book saved my life. It works with kids aged 2 and up.
It's so simple and so beautiful. Find a link to Amazon here, where you can see reviews and that it's sold a million copies. I'm surprised it hasn't sold more, actually!
It's called 1-2-3 Magic.
Good luck!

ATeacher: I've had a look at some of the reviews on Amazon but there is no indication of the kind of approach/ method this books takes.

I'm not keen to go down the 'harder' discipline method for behaviour that I see as entirely normal for a two year old, so I don't want to use sanctions like the naughty step. Could you tell me a little about how the book works and what you liked. I really can't afford another book unless it's absolutely the right one.

QT: Thanks for highlighting the distinction between the types of tantrums. It does make it easier to think about how to respond and how much emotional support she needs each time.

Hi Cbell: The behaviour is normal. But if you want to change it, the book will help you to instil self-dicipline in a really loving awy. It's hard to summarise the book, but in a nutshell, you would need to send them to timeout if they misbehave 3x (not once as normally happens!). For two year olds, they spend two minutes there. You don't shout at them at all.
If you ever find yourself frustrated and not sure what to do this book is perfect. It really restores calm.
Also, it has some beautiful tips on how to spend more time enjoying being with your child. What I've found is it's like a miracle with my three: they're all really self-aware now and self-disciplined. In a way you hand power over to your kids to control their own behaviour. Even at two.
I'd have spent £1000 to get the effect you get with this book! The only issue is, you have to be consistent. The book 'stopped working' for me for a while, and I realised it was because I was being inconsistent with 1-2-3 then timeout.
At times, it feels like 'being cruel to be kind', but actually the kids 'got it' very quickly, and I'm a lot kinder to them now than I was before I got the book!
Good luck with it all, anyhow!

Some of the 123 Magic reviews confirm my prejudice, that the whole thing can be summarised in less than one side of A4, maybe less than 30 words even, and stretching it to a book is the author having a laugh (all the way to the bank).

It's about as far from UP as you can get, there are plenty of punishments & rewards, disapproval, consequences, praise, etc.

Ah - so maybe I need to find out what UP is?! This is new to me.

Yes, you can sum it up in a page. You can sum up Dostoevsky or Dickens in a page too, presumably. Though they're not the same kind of books. I like it because it's simple and easy to do and because it works. However, I think 123 isn't the best book to recommend for UP as it does use rewards and disapproval. I've had incredibly positive benefits and I've never seen my kids so happy but it probably depends on your philosophy.

So how does UP work, and what's the difference between that and AP? Can you reason with a two year old? Is this in the Kohn book?

We read the UP book and it makes sense for us. If ds (just 2) doesn't want to wash his hair we don't, often I get in the bath too and then if I wash mine he wants to do his too. No need to do it more than twice a week IMO. As for going out, if we open the door he is usually tempted to get out and can then dress him etc and go out, but some days he really refuses. Hard but we just go with it unless absolutely essential, in which case offering to bring a toy/ go via diggers can help. ( is this a reward???)
Today he got incredibly frightened about going on the bike seat, we were going to a party, he cried and screamed, the lot. So we stayed and didn't go. I don't think it matters.
UP is usually criticised for working with only children only, if you have this luxury then enjoy it, it may not last forever.

Oh and we still use distraction for issues with screen time.

Unconditional parenting has got to be the most annoyingly titled 'parenting style' ever named. So fricking insulting, 'going from punishments to love and reason' - so giving your children boundaries and an understanding of acceptable and appropriate behaviour means you don't parent unconditionally - sod off!

Sorry but i just looked up this Anna Kohn book so i could have a view and found the whole synopsis incredibly insulting. Just be sensible, take whatever points you want on board but please don't call it 'unconditional parenting' as I think we are all trying are best and I definitely unconditionally love my son despite using the odd time out!

offering to bring a toy/ go via diggers can help. ( is this a reward???)

It depends on your intent. It sounds like a bribe/reward so I think not UP. If you said, "We will let you bring your digger if you come!" that's out.

"If we go then you can play with the diggers they keep there, but if you don't go then you won't get to play with their diggers, what do you think would be better?" that's okay. That's "respecting" your child. Or even, "Would you feel better about going if you brought your digger?" that's okay, too.

(You know, parenting is so bloody hard, I don't like any philosophy that tries to make it even ruddy harder).

My 2yo wouldn't have the maturity or language skills to understand all those tradeoffs, mind, my 2yo would also cry his eyes out at the difficulty of the choices and internal conflicts he felt even if he could understand. Dunno, doesn't seem very respectful to me.

Say how you feel RoRo.

I think I agree with you.

The thing I don't get about UP - and this is a genuine question, I'm not having a dig here - is how it works with pre-verbal children If you have a 15mo who wants to do something that isn't allowed or is dangerous, they don't understand you well enough for you to try and explain why they shouldn't do it, so your only option, as far as I can see, is some form of 'no!', moving them away etc.

I'll admit I haven't read or seen too much about UP but this point has always confused me.

Agree that putting a name to this things and 'following' a single philosophy is actually impossible, even if I carried a book with me and read answers to every situation that arouse.
We say, I understand you don't fancy coming out, but we need to, what about bringing monkey to show him the card, would that make it better? Or, I know you don't want to go the shops, but what about if we go via the diggers and we stop to look at them for a bit? I guess it may be bribing, I'd prefer to call it compromising

Kohn makes it clear you should set firm boundaries where necessary, such as for safety. "No!" is fine where most effective & necessary. But ideally you'd be gentler: "Mustn't touch that darling, I know you want to, shush, shush" (distract with toy). You are supposed to question yourself hard each and every time whether a firm boundary truly needs to be set and no matter what, the method of how you set it mustn't involve punishment/bribes/praise or rewards.

I think UP gets bad press partly because of all the reasons I dislike it, but also because it could be interpreted as no boundaries; to be fair to UP, I don't think no boundaries is what Kohn meant at all. However, when you read some of the dilemma knots that self-called UPers get themselves tied up in, it does indeed seem like they too often interpret it as no boundaries.

I think it sounds really interesting and different, and wish best of luck to anyone using UP. Personally I don't think I have the strength! It sounds exhausting.
123 got rid of my frazzled yelling and stress. Though I'm not sure it's really a philosophy. It's more of a tool.

Screen time: I explain to dc that a little bit is ok and nice, but too much is not good for them. They have to have "real play" like ... Actually with mine they have always been quite happy with that. Having said that, they have NEVER had more than 15 mins screen time. Sometimes I put a timer on and say that when the timer goes, it´s time to play in the real world. They are usually happy with that.
I think though that a lot of tantrums with my two have been when they don´t feel listened to. If I go back a step or two - sit back down on the stairs and ask why they don´t want to go out, and talk as if they are competent, intelligent human beings (which they are) about where the problem is, we can usually solve it.
Having said that, I have sort of lost track of UP - I´ve just forgotten about it - I WILL go back to it! I don´t think it matters so much if you manage to be the perfect UP parent who must never make a mistake - I think it´s more about thinking through what you´re doing and choosing what you really think to be the best course of action (- for me, this is in the light of Alfie Kohn´s ideas).

And I second "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen.

Sorry, I will go away. I promise. But the other thing I do think is important in addressing tantrums is food levels. I can remember a time when dd was 2.5 when she just couldn´t stop crying. In the end, the only thing that helped (after an hour of crying - cuddles didn´t help, I couldn´t find ANYTHING that helped) was a small square of chocolate. Then she was in a good enough state that I could start feeding her sandwiches etc. and then it was ok. I do notice that if I preempt this and have sensible (not chocolate - healthy!) snacks between meals, things are much better on the tantrum front.