5 1/2 year old DS gone a bit feral...

[ilovejackreacher]

After another painful afternoon I'm wondering if anyone on here has some words of advice or encouragement. DS1 will be 6 in June, and as we're in Sydney, he started school about 5 weeks ago. Just recently we've found that his behaviour is much more challenging than it was - he gets completely hyper, screams, cackles, will not listen to requests/instructions and then when DH or I get firm he'll often just lose control of his emotions and start screaming incoherently, slamming doors etc.

I don't want to imply that he's out of control or anything, he's mostly a beautiful boy, but I worry that if we don't handle this correctly now, family life will get much less pleasant. Today he went into time-out 3 times as an attempt to just get him to calm down and it really didn't seem to work as he just kept cackling, screaming and carrying on. I'm not wild about the whole threatening time out and punishments but his behaviour just isn't ok. We were round at a neighbour's the other day and he was just into everything, ignoring me and running upstairs, getting into where he shouldn't have been etc. I do have a copy of 'How to Talk'... which I will read again, but really just wondered if this is 'normal' and if so how do others handle it? There's no shortage of physical activity in the day. We're aware that starting school is really tiring so have been careful to get him into bed by 7.30 but some nights he just lies in bed awake for up to an hour or so after that. DS2 is three and I think that there is a bit of jealousy there but we are careful to each spend time on our own with DS1 - I just don't know if that sort of thing is relevant here or if it's just some manic testosterone thing.

It's really the defiance and the laughing while he gets a telling off etc that is so hard to deal with - it just seems so hard to get through to him. We both mostly manage to stay calm but occasionally can't help but join in with the shouting.... We did go to a birthday party earlier today with the usual lashings of sweeties and horrifically coloured cupcakes so maybe that contributed to today being particularly rough. Any and all feedback gratefully received!

You could try exclusion alongside the naughty step, ie if he is going crackers, remove him from the room and tell him (don't explain, tell! Firm tone very important) he must stay outside the room until he feels he can join in normally and politely again. Then carry on with your activities. Wait for him to come in nicely and normally. If he doesn't then it's straight outside again. Don't negotiate. If he is cackling etc it's outside. Tell him you don't like cackling and until he stops it he can't rejoin. This needs repeating over and over.

I would do this intensively for 2-3 days. It will very clearly draw your boundaries as to unacceptably irritating behaviour, not just naughty wrongdoings. Naughty wrongdoings get the naughty step as usual!

Obviously you have already ruled out or addressed other triggers ie tiredness, jealousy, lack of activity etc. But there's still no reason to accept the defiance and irritating behaviour even if he is jealous and/or tired. You are still entitled to not have to put up with behaviours that overstep the mark.

I don't think any decent parent actually enjoys doing the disciplining/naughty step etc, but it's a necessary part of socialising our cubs for their own good. I would much rather not have to do it but I totally give the discipline 110% (but then I give the love 110% as well).

You sound like great parents BTW.

The behaviour you're describing, suggests to me that he's exhausted.

I think bedtime needs to be earlier, and to have a winding down time before bed too.

Also, I'd try really hard to ignore the hyper, cackly behaviour as much as you can and heavily praise any calm behaviour.
All 3 of my dc have gone through 'wild' phases when theyve started school
they're coping with a new set of rules and expectations, as well as the knowledge that everyone is doing things at.home without them. They need reassuring that you're still the same, and the trouble is that you end up being cross with them instead

I think it's very common for kids to go a bit bonkers when they first start school. All the effort of "keeping it together" during lessons results in a massive release of emotions when they get back to their nice, safe home where they feel free to let it all out. I'm afraid to say it will probably get worse before it gets better.

Get him to bed earlier, don't do too much after school, stick the telly on to give him a bit of time out when he gets back home. Pick your battles. 1,2,3 Magic is a great book for dealing with 6 year olds who are not behaving as you would hope. Good luck!

ballstoit yes you identified a bit that I've forgotten to add - praise any kind of half decent behaviour!

Thanks very much for all of your thoughts - there are lots of ideas that we'll try. I think that we'll be firm on the really unacceptable stuff but couple that with lots of positive attention, hugs and really trying to get him into bed early. You do sort of get into a bit of a rut so it's good to have some things to do rather than just gnashing teeth and reaching for the merlot at 8pm...

When mine started school they were in bed by 6.00pm as they were up at 6.30am. Sometimes it was even earlier towards the end of term, I remember once DD going to bed at 4.30pm as she was just so tired and very grumpy.
The early bed phase doesn't last long but it seems to be what they need for a while.