This is a really horrible confession to make but I'm really struggling to love both my sons equally. DS1 (4) and I were really really close when he was a baby but from about 2 years onwards we started to drift apart a bit. I had DS2 18 months ago and I'm ashamed to say I feel more affection for the little one now and though I desperately try to keep things even in terms of kisses / hugs etc I'm sure it shows. I try and spend time alone with DS1 even day to do fun things but we seem to wind each other up and I often feel I've just spent the whole time trying to get him to behave himself.
DS1 is being tested for suspected autism and I think he's very likely to have Aspergers. Though he can be fun to have around he is hard work for a number of reasons but surely this isn't stopping me loving him as much is it? I feel so terribly guilty and I keep trying to find more love in my heart for my elder son but I'm finding myself lacking. Am I some sort of freak? I thought all mums loved all their children differently but in equal measure?