Sudden "scaredy cat" - why???????

[Hadeda]

Any ideas about my DD1 please....?

In the past few months she has started being very clingy, afraid of her own shadow at times, wanting either DH or I in situations she would previously have been fine. Basically becoming a nervous child who keeps out of everything unless one parent is with her.

It's just not like her and, to be honest, I find it really irritating.

She is 5, started reception last Sept. She has always been a quieter child but this "can't say boo to a goose" thing is new. Before, once she sussed a situation out she was fine. Recent examples are:

• today, her normal self as she and DD2 made me a lovely Mothers' Day breakfast. She and I stayed downstairs as I was reading to her, went up to her and DD2s room to get dressed. Dd2 had been playing bears with DH and "growled" at her. DD1 dissolves into tears and cowers on my lap. DD2 is 3 and not that scary!!!!
• wanting DH and I to stay with her at birthday parties where she would usually have been fine staying by herself
• her birthday in Jan was a complete disaster, wouldn't play with anyone, stuck (quite literally) to me the whole time
• numerous incidents where she pulls her "can't do it, too scary" face and (eg) refuses go to from bathroom to bedroom (a matter of 4 steps, we don't live in a castle!), can't decide for herself which clothes she wants to wear, can't take her plate from table to kitchen because its too scary
• huge tears and upset when DH and I went out for DH's birthday. Person babysitting is very well known to her and we left after DDs were asleep, I just mentioned it during the day as part of the "nice things we're doing for daddy on his birthday" discussions
• wet bed incidents since early Jan which, in conjunction with school, we tied back to "fairy tales" theme at school and inability to deal with what is real and not.

Is this a stage, linked with starting school? She is a Jan baby so not particularly young for her year. She has a much older teacher who is not very "cuddly" but is certainly not unpleasant to the children.
We have parents evening at school this week and I'm thinking about talking to her teacher about it.
DD1 hasn't made a firm friend or group of friends yet. I'm not that worried by this, but thinking back to nursery last year she did have a little group of 3 friends by this point. She went to a nursery attached to a school but has gone to another school for reception.

What's going on???!! Is there a horrible phase as children start school that I don't know about? I'm getting fairly worried about it, and even beginning to question whether we have sent her to the right school.

Did this actually start when she started school?

Has something happened at school that has scared her? Is she finding the school environment intimidating? Have you considered that this my be a bad reaction to being separated from her nursery friends? You and your DH are her 'constants' so she's clinging to you (might also explain the issues when you went out)?
Have you noticed any issues with her hearing? If she's not hearing clearly it may explain her jumping at shadows/reacting badly to noises she does hear?

I'm not saying any of the questions I've listed will help, but they were things I explored when my DD (nearly 6) was having trouble - her trigger was a community support officer visiting the school, the uniform triggered some buried (bad) memories and resulted in sleep issues.

Can you try to encourage her out of her shell a little by inviting some little friends over for playdates? It's hard if she has recently started school and you perhaps don't know the other mums yet or know which girls she might be friendly with, but perhaps you can ask her the names of some girls she likes, and find / ask their mum if they would like to come round for a playdate (plus mum for coffee). At that age you can't force them into friendships but you can help facilitate them by setting up a few playdates and encouraging them to play with each other. Provide some yummy biscuits so the other girl enjoys herself and wants to come back! Helping her to make some friends may help with the issue of school, as well as giving her more confidence in general. And you can use the old chestnut of "I'm sure so-and-so puts her pants on by herself and / or wipes her bottom!"

Thanks for these responses.

Yes, the problem has started since she started school. We have arranged a few playdates (4 so far, with 3 girls). One child she talked about almost constantly from before Christmas until about 2 weeks ago (which is when this girl (X) came to play). I was talking to DD yesterday about school and she said "X never plays with me any more". I asked her who she would say were her friends and she thought long and hard and said "I'd say X is my best friend, but I don't think she says I'm her best friend" and then couldn't think of any other friends. (At which point my heart broke a little.) At nursery she just seemed to make friends, there was no "engineering" on my part.

We are having an ongoing issue with the TA. I started a thread here a few weeks back, and it may be related. It is ongoing - yesterday another girl said "DD never listens" and the TA responded "yes, you're right". I had a long chat with DD yesterday about how important it is to listen, and that if she takes a long time to (eg) put on her coat for play time then everyone's play time is cut short. Hopefully that helps. I might also try to talk to the TA about avoiding saying something that is so absolute and so negative.

I think she did find school intimidating at first - it's so much bigger than nursery and the expectations are much greater. But to still be concerned about that now..? We have parents' evening this week and the only issue DH and I want to discuss is how DD is getting along with the other children and whether the teacher has noticed anything.

But I am concerned also because she is about to have two big changes in her life. First, our nanny is going on maternity leave. She has looked after DD since she was 2. Second, I am moving to a job with much more responsibility and potentially longer hours than currently. So if she's anxious now I am worried that things may get worse and I'd really like to figure out how to help her with this one...

Some children cope well, others don't. To be honest, it sounds as if the move to school had really unsettled her and she hasn't adapted.

Talking to her teacher is a good idea, make her aware of your DD's problems (they sound like pure anxiety to me) and see if she has any suggestions - an experienced reception teacher will probably have see all this before.