I don't like my dd (6yo).

[TulipsAndWings]

I obviously love her, I just don't get on with her. I find her behaviour and high emotion wearing. I want to like her more, but it's so hard to connect with her.

I should explain a bit more.
She gets up at 5am every day, she will not stay in bed, play quietly, read or even watch tv. She has to get me or dh up, usually this wakes up ds 4yo as well. We have tried rewards and punishments, nothing works.

So aside from being a morning person she is very demanding emotionally. She expects me and dh to lavish her with compliments, for example she expects a well done, a hug and sometimes a sticker for putting her pants on. Getting dressed can take a long time.

She is doing very well in school, she is obviously very intelligent (dh's side). She has been doing mental arithmetic since 3. She has lots of friends but she always focuses on the drama, she never tells me anything good about them, always negative. She can work herself into a state that she cries and remembers something a friend said a year ago. If I try an reassure her, she has a tantrum and says I don't love her.

I have always given her as much love and hugs as any child could want, but she just wants more, all the time. She hates me doing anything with ds, she tries to get him into trouble and she has hurt him on purpose a few times.

As punishments, she gets time out, toys taken away for a day, a week etc.

Then there's bedtime. A year ago I decided she was too old to be hugged to sleep, so I slowly withdrew myself at bedtime. Worked really well for a month, then the tantrums started. It used to be an hour of shouting, crying, throwing things. But now it's about 30 mins of whining with the occasional shout.

I have one to one time with her once every 2 weeks. Dh only gets one day off a week so we take it in turns to do something with each child every week. This has helped, her behaviour is always good then.

I get worried as my dbro has MH issues. He is bi polar (manic depressive as it used to be called), I also had pnd after both kids. I worry that dds emotional highs and lows could be more serious.

I hope someone knows how I (and her) can get through this.

Would you say she'd been indulged a tad much OP? Regarding "rewards" and praise etc?

DS is 5 and I've done rewards for certain things (trying new foods, wiping bum etc) but after a few, once he's got the hang of it then rewards aren't given.

She's 6yo, I can't get anymore 1:1 time as dh works and we have no family close. Also most friends here don't have kids so really nobody to ask.

I will try and have some special time with her each day, that sounds positive. At the moment I do homework with her after school, plus ds goes to sleep first, so she has me for a story, hugs and songs each night.

I have only had one toy away for a week, i was at my wits end and didn't know what else to do. She suddenly decided to stop wiping her bottom, no trigger or anything, just decided she didn't want to. I tried a reward chart, extra stories, bribery, nothing worked. I took away a barbie (not even a favourite one) and told her she could have it back when she wiped her bottom properly. It took 6 days but she started wiping again.

Maybe it is me and I do need classes, will look locally now.

Yes Shakey I wonder if I've spoilt her, my parents and friends say I'm strict but dbro says I'm a pushover.

She sounds very much like my 6yr old dd OP. no advice as I'm having a hard time liking her at the moment. Mine is an only and gets lots of 1:1 time. Doesn't seem to help as she always wants more attention than I can give.

Oh you poor thing, that sounds exhausting. You sound like you're so calm and patient and have tried tons of ways of improving the situation. If that was me I'd consider going to see a child psychologist with her. I remember I had to go to one once with my mum - an educational psychologist - when I went through a patch of hating school. It's nothing scary or big, but they're the ones most likely to be able to help you I'd say. She certainly sounds like a character, and I'm sure you love her very much, but at six I'd say some of those characteristics might warrant a more professional look. Good luck with it.

notfluffy - how old is she? Read the thread title.

Read 'Divas & Dictators' by Charlie Taylor - an amazing read for peaceful family life!

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but I think she knows you don't like her. This is why although you feel you give her all the love and hugs "a child could want" it never seems to be enough.

I can see why you are anxious about her future given your brother's issues, but again without wishing to hurt you, I would suggest that it is your own state of mind that needs some TLC. You sound very anxious and possibly depressed. This is not a failure or a fault, it is no different from having sinusitis or an ankle sprain, in that it can be treated effectively but you have to take positive action to make that happen.

I think your relationship with your dd would improve and her emotional lability would calm down if you addressed your own feelings first rather than allowing things to be projected onto her - she is only 6.

I do sympathise with the high-need thing, my ds1 was diagnosed with AS at 6 and by God he was hard work at that age. But it isn't all about her, and I think you would handle her better if you were in a better place yourself.

oh - that's tough.
I think it's completely normal to have phases of (loving but) not always liking your DC - you have ups and downs with all family and friends - DC are the most intense relationship you will ever have, this multiplies the feelings. Your best friend doesn't wake you up at 5am and demand that you entertain her, she doesn't scream for you to wipe her bum when you're making tea, she doesn't scribble on the sofa, she doesn't interrupt eastenders, but if you lived in the same house as her, spending all the day with her, you would occasionally not like her either. Not because you're in a bad place but because it's completely normal.

OP - please read 'Divas & Dictators' by Charlie Taylor. The book will give you coping techniques and will help you to enjoy your dd again. It worked for my very demanding ds1 and even when he's annoying me now I can understand why he's doing it (it's completely normal!).

"we have no family close. Also most friends here don't have kids so really nobody to ask." - this is the biggest issue you have OP - if you had close friends in the same situation, you would be able to have a moan and realise that you aren't alone. It's also a really hard problem to solve and not as easy as buying a book.

Have you got any close friends with DC? Invite them around to have a chat over a bottle of wine, you will feel much better (or at least it helps me when I'm feeling at the end of my tether!)

To be honest I don't think I'm depressed, I have pnd both times and am aware of my moods, triggers etc. I treat both my dc equally with lots of love and support. My mother was not affectionate and is still very stand off-ish with me, so I really don't want my kids going through the same. I will ask dh though as he knows me well enough to see if there has been any change in my mental health.

I will buy the book, I think I do need some perspective. I speak to some of the parents at school but they joke about how dd is a very emotional girl.

I called about a parenting class locally and was asked who had referred me, family and child services or the doctor?? I said nobody had referred me and I was told I'd go on the waiting list. I may look into private parenting classes, I don't have much money, but I feel it will be worth it, if I can help dd and myself become closer.