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My child hits. If I tell you what we do, can you tell me if/where we're going wrong?

21 replies

IvorHughJangova · 10/03/2013 19:21

DS is two next week and has been slapping us for about a month, with increasing frequency. Sometimes he does it in temper and more often he does it when he's overexcited/tired. He also pinches us but this is relatively rare and always done while giggling as though he's trying to make us laugh too.

When he hits we say, 'No, that's not kind. You don't hit mummy/daddy.' If he does it again we remove ourselves from the room. If we can't (often he hits when we're trying to change him) we just stop engaging with him and then when he's calmed down we tell him that it isn't kind to hit and he hurt us. Sometimes he understands and gives us a cuddle. Nine times out of ten he wanders off, disinterested.

Very often he will laugh after he's hit us, and laugh harder when we attempt to talk to him/tell him off. Earlier tonight he hit the cat with a brush and I shouted at him, which I never do (just because I'm not naturally a shouter) and he absolutely bloody roared with laughter. I didn't know what to do.

We (DH and I) feel very hopeless and a bit lost. I've spoken to his nursery and they tell me he's never hit or hurt another child there (to their knowledge). What else do you think we can do? Are we doing the wrong thing?

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IrnBruTheNoo · 10/03/2013 19:29

Not just myself then that's been going through this recently! Thank goodness for MN!!

My 2yo is biting and hitting recently. Sorry, I do not have any answers so will watch this thread with interest.

So far I say 'that's naughty, we do not hit/bite!' but he just does this to his big brother when my back is turning (when I need to use toilet, or in kitchen briefly prepping dinner).

The laughing thing also happens with DS2. He thinks it's funny. I have tried ignoring it but can't if he hurts his big brother. DS2 is 2.8yo and it worries me that he'll start nursery after the summer holidays and I don't him to be classed as a 'biter'.

nellyjelly · 10/03/2013 19:34

My ds is the same. Think/ hope is a phase. I give him a warning and if he does it again he goes on timeout step.

IvorHughJangova · 10/03/2013 19:41

So pleased to see it's not just us!! I don't have a bloody clue to be honest. We were talking about timeout steps earlier as a friend of mine does this, but I know DS would just get right back up again and bugger off. The problem is he seems to be big enough to understand that he shouldn't be doing it, but too small to understand why he shouldn't do it or what the consequences are?

I know what you mean Irn; DS has been hurt by other kids at nursery in the past and it's not nice, but whenever I've had to sign an accident form I've always thought how much worse it is for the parent's of the biter/slapper who've had to sign an incident form. I really don't like him hitting us, I hate him hitting the cat but I will be so so so upset if he hurts another child....

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IrnBruTheNoo · 10/03/2013 19:48

Well, DS1 was a biter at nursery and I was so mortified after he bit another child I was in tears. Makes you look like a totally s*it parent, as if you can't raise them properly. I was told it was a phase and not to worry, he'll grow out of it. And guess what? He did. Still doesn't make me feel any better that DS2 is now doing all of this....maybe I really am crap at all this parenting malark if the second one is also a biter.

I haven't tried the naughty step, although DH thinks it's something we're going to have to start doing because DS1 feels scared sometimes to be on his own with brother. That's not on :(

IvorHughJangova · 10/03/2013 19:51

Hopefully lots of people will join and tell us their child does/did the same... Either that or we can start a 'crap parenting malarky' quiche and just comfort each other!!

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gruffalocake · 10/03/2013 19:54

I found getting down to a level where our faces were parallel and sayin no in a very firm voice and (weirdly) with a pointy finger worked well to give a very clear boundary. If he then did the same naughty behaviour again I would remove HIM (not myself) to another room put him down and walked away. As he became an older 2 yr old I would add a bit of explanation but not too much as they just can't take it in. We have also progressed to a wArning of the time out after the first incident to help him decide to avoid it
I guess main things are clear boundary, warning and follow through. it doesn't matter too much what the consequence is just that DC can understand there is a consequence and has a chance to correct his behaviour. From what you wrote it sounds like you just need a bit more clarity so he can understand and also that he should be removed otherwise it seems like Dc is in charge which is obviously unsettling for little people and won't sort the behaviour.
Easy to say hard to do but I find having a clear process to go through does help, rather than constantly thinking on your feet!

popperdoodles · 10/03/2013 19:56

At 2 yrs old he is just exploring what happens or venting frustrations with feelings he doesn't understand. Sounds like you are doing the right things. Keep explanations short eg "stop that hurts" and then either distract him or move your attention to something else. You could also try using the words "gentle hands" and reinforce those words when you or he is gentle or cuddling or some positive physical contact. That way he is learning what you want as we'll as what you don't want if that makes sense.

IvorHughJangova · 10/03/2013 19:58

Ah yes it definitely works better if I can get eye contact - that's usually the times he will give us a cuddle and occasionally say sorry. You're right though, there isn't any clear process - especially if he does it when he's being OTT rather than because he's angry. When he does it out of anger I'm pretty clear with what I'm going to do (though I am going to put him out of the room next time not me, hadn't thought about it looking as though that puts him in charge) - but when he does it because he's being daft I'm more muddled, since I know he hasn't intended to hurt me.

I'm going to read your post to DH and we'll see if we can decide on a definite process that we'll each do. Thanks gruffalo

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IvorHughJangova · 10/03/2013 19:59

Sorry, x posts - DH has recently started stroking DS and saying 'gentle and kind' and he has done it back to him on occasion when he's gone to strike then stopped himself and stroked his dad instead. That's another good one, we'll continue with that

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gruffalocake · 10/03/2013 20:03

Yes the accidental naughty things are really tough! I guess judge them on a case by case basis Smile great if he already knows to say sorry.

Wibblytummy · 10/03/2013 20:06

My DS was exactly the same. He has always been an emotional sort and really took to slapping, biting and pinching me when I was doing something that he disliked (nappies, getting him dressed, taking him home from playgroup...) I called the HV who I rarely turn to for help after he had slapped me 6 times in one afternoon and laughed after every attempt to stop it. Her advice worked incredibly well with my son and has near enough nipped it in the bud completely bar when he's having a growth spurt and is full of testosterone.

It's along the lines of time out but with a bit of help as they are most likely to wander off at this age. If he bites or slaps me, I immediately tell him "Not nice." (This was a word he had recently learned and understood.) We then go straight to a calm area for a time out (for us it's in the hall where's there is no toys or distractions) I then sit next to him so he cannot get up and leave. I pay him no attention bar sitting him back down or stopping him from hurting himself if he's having a full tantrum. For now we do around a minute, then at the end I say "Slapping is not nice." Then picked his hand up, stroked my cheek and his cheek and said "This is nice." If it was biting, I would just repeat "No biting, not nice". We have a cuddle and then go straight back to the activity that I was attempting to do. It's worked so well with my DS, now usually as soon as we sit down at a time out, he is trying to show me nice and stroking my cheek. I would also say whatever method you go for to resolve it, make sure their DF adopts the same method, it helps if they now they'll get the same reaction from both parents. I know this method might not be for all but I could kiss the HV who explained it to me. He is 95% past the aggressive slapping and biting. Now if I could just find help for the collapsing limbs dead weight stunt he pulls when leaving the park... HTH

MrsJamin · 10/03/2013 20:06

You have to let them know in no uncertain terms that their behaviour is unacceptable. Get on an eye level with him and say with a cross face/tone of voice that you do not hit, and that hurt. Then I would get him to say sorry by stroking your face, even if he can't say sorry. I would try time out if you think he would understand it. Don't do what an old friend used to do and say in a very flowery light tone of voice "oh don't do that daaaarling, it's not very nice. Oh look let's go and play"- it was so ridiculously ineffective as you would never tell from her behaviour that little Johnny had just clonked another child on the head on purpose. Her children were really aggressive and they got away with it- it did my head in.

Wibblytummy · 10/03/2013 20:08

Oh lots of posts whilst I was writing my essay, bit of a x post saying the same thing about showing kind and nice way to stroke. Sorry! Blush

BertieBotts · 10/03/2013 20:11

I don't know because DS was like this at 2 and what worked best was redirecting - saying "You mustn't hit people but you can hit the sofa/bed (depending what room we were in) if you feel cross."

I either wasn't consistent enough with it though (likely as I'm generally crap when exhausted) or he needed an extra back up of some kind of time out type thing because he still does it at 4 and it's a problem now. It's only ever me, which is reassuring in some ways but horrible in others! I have started putting him in his room now which is working ok. I feel bad that I couldn't get it to work with the more gentle way of redirecting him, though.

IvorHughJangova · 10/03/2013 20:42

Thanks everyone, you've cheered me up no end just by replying and being nice to me!

Have had a chat with DH and we've decided the following:

When he hits us in temper and it's a situation we can't get away from (it frequently happens when we're trying to change his nappy/get him dressed asap in order to get to work) we are going to say 'Not nice. That hurts mummy/daddy' and when he's changed, we're going to make eye contact and say 'It's not nice to hit. It's nice to be gentle' and stroke his face and try to get him to do it back.

When he hits us in temper and we can get away from it, we're going to say 'Not nice. That hurts us. If you do that again you'll go in the hallway' then if he does it again we're going to put him in the hallway (nothing in there except piles of clothes I'm never going to iron) and shut the door. After one minute, we'll open it and go in. If he's upset then we'll get down to his level and do all of the above. If he's found something to amuse himself then we're just not going to mention it since I think we'll be fighting the same losing battle we are currently, where he doesn't know what we're on about when we try to talk to him.

We'll do the same if he hits us when he's messing about too. We're going to give it a week and I will report back with the results!! Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to talk about what you've experienced and what works. I'm glad it's starting to work with your DS too Bertie. It's all trial and error; I often feel like I've only just worked out how to handle something before he grows up a bit more and there's a brand new problem...

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lola88 · 10/03/2013 20:44

DS is hitting a lot he's 13mo and ive been told by many that he's to young to know but he keeps hitting my niece (who we see daily) and her 6yr old temper only goes so far with him. I put on my serious angry voice look right in his face and say a firm no mummy does not like that i will not play with you if you hit me, i don't do the softly softly thing make it very clear i won't accept it, i also don't do the distraction/ignoring thing we tried all that with DN (also a hitter) and it didn't work for us.

I have been called mean for being strict but the same people also ask how i get DS to do as he's told so it must work.

ThreeBeeOneGee · 10/03/2013 20:47

You're not doing anything wrong. He's two.
Keep being consistent and he will grow out of it as soon as he becomes articulate enough to express his frustration verbally.

5madthings · 10/03/2013 20:51

Be consistent which you are.

What I found helpful at this age rather than saying no all the time was to take hold of their hand and show them how to be gentle and say 'gentle hands it sounds swanky but rather than just saying no it sometimes helps to show them positively what they should be doing instead :)

BertieBotts · 10/03/2013 21:15

I think the redirecting/showing appropriate response is important though. I don't personally feel that showing them how to touch gently is particularly helpful if they're hitting through frustration - it's not a natural response to stroke someone if you're frustrated with them. Of course if it's just that he's getting overexcited playing a game that works, or with a young baby definitely. I think at 2 you need to be showing them some way of expressing/dealing with their frustration or whatever which is appropriate (and that might be going away from the situation, but I'd be inclined to stay with him unless you're the one he's hitting.)

Weissbier · 11/03/2013 12:09

I'm with lola on this one. It sounds like you're doing great OP but if he's laughing at you shouting, I would add consequences, he's old enough. It has to immediately follow the misdemeanour, and it has to be something he will not like at all, wherever you are and regardless of the fuss he'll then make (which you then ignore). Once he has stopped roaring in fury you explain again why you took dinosaur away or whatever, and ask for an apology. Bit old-fashioned but for every person staring disapprovingly in the supermarket you'll have a grandma patting you on the back so it balances out...

matana · 11/03/2013 12:22

DS is 2.3 and has been doing this for months. When he was younger it was when he was learning cause and effect so ignoring and distraction was the key. Now he's older he understands more and he does it out of frustration and an inability to adequately control his emotions. He's a very impulsive little boy too which is quite a challenge.

I've recently resorted to time out - calmly placing him there, telling him simply no hitting, hitting hurts. When he's been there maybe a minute (i think two minutes at 2yo is a lot to expect), i crouch down to his level, make him look me in the eye and explain again why he's there - you hit mummy, we don't hit, hitting hurts. And then i ask him to say sorry. He does, accompanied by a kiss and a cuddle and i tell him i love him.
I also try to help him label his strong emotions by saying "you were angry because mummy wouldn't let you have x, y or z - you can say 'i'm angry' and hit your drums instead of mummy in future".

Incidents have become fewer a farther between and not really done with any conviction any more.

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