Going round in circles & losing grasp on sanity. Please help. (long - sorry)

[getthegirladrink]

I've posted before on issues with DS refusing food; thank you for the replies, they were helpful at the time.
However, things are now worse than ever . DS is 9 months old, and I am going around in ever more demented circles trying to fix things, getting by turns more confused, more lost, more anxious and more tearful. It seems the harder I try, the further from 'fixed' things get. Tears are tissue thin to the surface; I found myself sobbing next to a mobile phone shop this morning, and a lovely security guard wordlessly handed me tissues until I got myself back under control.

We have 2 broad issues. Firstly, ongoing food refusal, which is now sproinging into fussiness, tantrums, incredibly limited diet, tantrums, and more tantrums. Secondly - and this might well have a bearing on the first issue - night/early morning waking, leading to increased moodiness, tantrums, overtiredness and more tantrums. You can see the general gist of the post.

There is always at least one meal a day he refuses, but it is mainly lunch. I followed GF's weaning schedule when he hit 6 months, please don't flame me for it, I found it very useful for meal planning, portion sizes and general schedule-ness (DS is my first & probably only baby, RL friends all have no/older children and DM is 2 hours away). And he took to it really well. Ate everything and anything put infront of him, started eating finger foods, did this until he hit 7 1/2 months and then......poof. Stopped. Hysterical refusals of solids of the demon-baby of Belezebub fashion. Only accepted milk. At the time, it coincided with 'teething' type monster nappies, so I put it down to this, and started from scratch. I got him checked out at the GP just to be on the safe side, and all was reported as well.

So far, so hit and miss, mainly hit, but I did find that I was feeding him more or less the same things every day as I knew he would probably eat them. And then, a couple of weeks ago, Belezebub returned. Now he is deeply suspicious of anything put infront of him, does this hilarious mini-lick of things before he puts them in his mouth, and if it isn't to his liking, he chucks a wobbler of teenage dimensions. I have done the following things to try and mitigate issues:

tried giving him milk first, so he doesn't think he is missing out
tried following the meal up with milk, so he doesn't think he is missing out
tried not giving him any milk at all
giving him a full milk feed and then putting stuff out 'for fun'
giving him the spoon to feed himself
feeding him myself on my lap
feeding him myself in his high-chair
putting plenty of finger foods down for him to get on with it
using breadsticks / toast fingers / veg sticks as dippers
serving food warm / warmer / cooler / cold

When he kicks off I:
calmly remove offending items
not try and force him
keep smiling and low key

but the frustrating, bitterly destroying thing is that it seems to be getting worse. I put a stick of cheese down on his tray last night at tea time; he picked it up, took an experimental lick, grimaced, and went absolutely bat-shit. I have to confess I wept at that point (over his head, after having taken him out of his chair and gently shushed him) The only things that I seem to be able to get into him - and I am so embarrassed about this - is baby rice and fruit puree. He is 9 months old. 9 months. And every single person that I speak to about this says, without exception, 'oh, I don't know what to suggest, mine is such a pig, (s)he ate everything. Still does.'

Sad sigh.

When he does refuse, I give him milk instead, as I am under the (perhaps misguided?) assumption that I cannot deprive him of nutrition. And therefore am getting even more confused that I am giving him too much milk; I understand the guidelines are for 18-20oz per day, plus meals, but if he isn't consistently eating those meals, how much is appropriate, IYSWIM? I keep reading horror stories of anaemia and milk preventing iron absorption, and desperately want him to be eating iron rich foods, but he just won't.

The second issue is the ongoing night / early morning waking. He wakes, without fail, at 3am, and then about 5.15am. He does not cry, just lays there and babbles / blows bubbles / chats etc. He will eventually go to sleep if left, but it takes a minimum of an hour, if not longer. The longest is nearly 2 hours. It makes no difference if I intervene; I feed him and he is happy to be fed, but is then still awake for the same amount of time. He is on a routine; I've tried limiting daytime sleep, giving him as much sleep as he wants, giving him 2 hours, giving him 2 1/2 hours, you name it. The same result. It also makes no difference if he has had 3 meals plus milk feeds, all milk feeds etc etc. The kid is awake and ready to boogie.

Does anyone have any positive stories they can share with me, of how they went through it and out the other side? And other suggestions? I am so worried that I am making him worse, I feel like such a complete failure at this.

Thanks, and apologies again for the looooog post.

Ok. Deep breath. You are tired an stressed and clearly need a very big, un MN hug. Here it is [hugs].

Ds was a fairly good eater but his cousin wasn't. And ds was a terrible sleeper so I sympathise.

First, on food, personally, if I recall correctly most nutrition is still from milk so if he's eating baby rice and fruit purée in addition, I would say you are doing ok. Really.

Clearly he likes his food still smooth so perhaps try pureing "proper" food if you are really worried but personally I would offer baby rice and fruit purée with regular side dishes of other finger foods he can take or leave.

As for sleep, if he's not screaming for two hours you are doi g better than we did . My tip tip is just to remain consistent - we always absolutely refused to take him out of the room or give in to his demands to play. The result was that although it took weeks he finally realised being awake was pointless and now if e wakes up, he goes back down fairly easy.

I regulaly have small wobbles about how much milk ds still drinks. But I have decided to toss the guidelines. If your ds is getting most of what he needs from milk, he will have more than guidelines. Fact. Review it again in a few months (not a few says or even weeks).

Good luck. You sound absolutely at the end of your tether but I promise, it will get better.

DS is 9 months tomorrow and has 4x 7oz bottles a day at least- 28-32oz. "Food is fun until they are 1".

Oh my dear. In the nicest possible way, I want to tell you to chill out and not worry so much because this all sounds so normal!

Nine months is still soooooo young. They are still supposed to be getting most of their nutrition from milk/formula until 12 months, I think? Food is still extra at this point.

I know we are all supposed to be horrified by purees but some kids prefer them. My son really disliked finger foods until he was a year old so we mashed and pureed everything. My DH worked at a shop that sold Ella's pouches and got them at a huge discount -- DS absolutely loved them. For me, it was more important that he ate and discovered new flavours, I didn't care so much about texture. It definitely didn't do any lasting harm!

It sounds like you are quite concerned about what you should be doing but really, try not to worry about what anyone else says. Your boy is his own individual.

I think my DS went through phases where he would eat nothing but yogurt, applesauce and Ella's. But by 2 he was eating everything in huge amounts, something just clicked. I think you're doing well to not make a big deal out of it, that will pay off in the long run. Just be patient.

On the sleep, sadly that also sounds normal. Has he always woken like that, could it be a sleep regression?

Firstly here's the getthegirl

You sound really stressed out by it all, as I was when DD was 9 months, so I'm going to quote a couple of MN mantras that I repeated over and over and over to myself

1. "food for fun until they're one" as long as your ds is getting his food then don't worry about how much solids are going in at 9 months its all about exploring taste and texture.

1. "this too shall pass" at 9 months DD was waking every half hourand I was exhausted, but then she suddenly started sleeping better and now rarely wakes.

Does ds have his own room or share a room with you? If he is in his own room perhaps just leave him to play, DD used to wake up for a bit and babble but she would eventually settle, I learned to leave her and not worry about it.

It sounds like your doing a fab job, giving him a variety of things to try, and just letting him get on with it, removing the item if its not well received. Will he eat pureed veg? Or fruit / veg combos? (carrot and orange sort of thing?). I'd go one of 2 ways (and I BLW'd both of mine, so am prob bias), either stick with the flavours he will take, and give them with alternative textures, or stick with the texture he likes, but try other flavours. I think it can take up to 15 exposures to a flavour before a child will accept them tho.

Sleeping - agree with bling, if he's not screaming its a good start. You might not want to read the next sentence. DS1 carried on waking for 2 hrs around 2am from 9 months til 18 months. In the end I put a big pile of spare duvets on his bedroom floor, and dozed/let him play with my fingers til a point where he was asleep, and I could crawl back to my bed.

Oh, and I know a 30 year old who will only drink Milk, and eat edam cheese, ricekrispies, granny smith apples, chips and white bread. He's still kicking.

There is also a 4 year old who lives on apples, sweetcorn, MacD and rice, along with BM.

Your doing a great job, relax and enjoy him (when he isn't being a banshee!)

I did not realise purees were "out of fashion".

I gave my fussy, difficult skinny DS mainly purees until he was 1or even older, topped up with the boob.

I remember the stress and anxiety though, but that was when he was older. He mainly had an issue with texture, so pureed meals were ideal (until he had enough of them around 14 months).

When I read about feeding 9 month olds cheese sticks etc I wonder if that is realistic? I would give him a chunk of proper solid food to experimwnt with, but mainly fed him pureed meals ( mashed potato, veg with some meat in, that sort of thing.

You sound very anxious, and I am really sorry you feel like this, have you thought of seeing a GP? For you?

It can be tough being a parent, don t beat ourself up and do not comare yourself to "perfect" friends :)

honestly don't worry. food before 1 is just for fun. his main nutrition is still from milk at this age. let him sit with you at meals, don't make a big deal out of it and if he looks interested kettle him try if not don't worry.

if he is waking but not crying, happy to sit and babble then let him get on with it. my ds is 18m and still doesn't sleep thru so im with you on how frustrating it is.

this parenting lark is one continuous "am i doing it right?" thing.

you sound like a very caring and able mum

Thank you all so much

dreaming - he has always tended to wake early, but there is an element of regression I think. It's just it's going on, and on, and on....

MewlingQuim - he has his own room, so I can leave him; it's just his knackeredness the next day, he obviously needs the sleep, he just isn't getting it. If I give him the extra snooze in the day that he craves, he is even worse at night.

All of your encouragement helps so, so much, I can't tell you how low all of this is making me. And as if my pity party wasn't encompassing enough, no Mother's Day card / flowers / acknowledgement at all. Some DH retraining, methinks

Hope you all had a lovely day yourselves . I am hanging out for that wine.

Chandon - thank you; I have been to the GP on and off but am ok I think, just so tired and weepy because of it, IYSWIM

Lovely hardly able, hanging on by the skins of the skins of my teeth

Poor you! You sound very alone with all this ...

My daughter has a child (now 2.8) who often refuses food. What my daughter did when she was younger was give her follow-up formula milk which had added vitamins, to make sure she was getting what she needed. She also gave her the pouches mentioned above, which she still loves.

The things that helped my grand daughter to eat were going to nursery, and eating with other children. I've seen this too - when her cousins come, she seems to eat more than when she is on her own.

Also, she eats a lot more if we don't watch her, and if we don't actually give her any food. So we place a small amount of food casually on the table in front of her, just within her reach but not obviously for her, (better if it's between her and another child, and they have to share), with no comments and no instructions to eat. Then we get on with eating our own food with no comment, just general discussion about other things. Everyone eats together - this also helps kids, ime. At least they don't then think they are the only people who ever eat anything! And sometimes we have music.

However, she still takes her time, and we can be sitting at the table for an hour some days - and I have to say it's not always successful. But she usually eats more if she can do it in her own time. Plus we don't give her any snacks.

As a granny I can be more relaxed, but I do know that most children have sorted out their food preferences by the time they go to school, and although 4 years might sound a long time to you, it flies by and he'll probably be enjoying more foods long before that.

Agree with Alovelybunch!

Have you read this book? www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1780660057/ref=redir_mdp_mobile

If not - buy it immediately and read it in one sitting! Honestly it will reassure you straight away. I have a terrible eater. He didn't eat what I would call a 'meal' until about 20 months. Until then he subsisted almost entirely on breast milk and yoghurt. I used to worry so much about it but this book just took all the stress out of it. He's still not a great eater at 3.5 but it is getting very slightly better all the time.

Thank you solo & zgaze
I will investigate the book

I would second the book recommendation. My DD is 8 months and eats practically nothing at all, she plays with a few bits a couple of times a day but the amount that actually goes down is so tiny it's almost unmeasurable! The difference between you and me is that I read that book before I started weaning and consequently I'm not remotely worried about how much she's eating, I know she'll take what she needs when she needs it, my only job is to offer a her a selection of healthy foods and then sit back and watch her play with it!

Thanks Matriarchal - it's on order

I think I might worry less about the not eating aspect of it, if he didn't refuse so violently. If he just did the 9 month old version of 'meh' then I could think 'ok, fair enough'. But it's the fact he goes so completely bat-shit on being presented with new foods, or when he doesn't want to eat a tried & tested foodstuff, that's what is eating me up with anxiety.

in terms of sleeping, 9-12 months was tough with dd2 - but i think it was always worse if she was overtired, so in your position i would let him nap in the day if he wants to - let this happen for a few days and see how it goes. our only rule on the napping was awake by four, or there was no getting her to bed. if he's not upset while waking, why don't you try sticking your head in, telling him it's time to sleep now and then going back to bed? maybe he wants your company and will give up out of boredom if you arne't there?

dd1 was a pretty rubbish eater (still not fantastic at four), so i know it's dispiriting, but it's true that his nutrition should mainly still be from milk, so try not to worry. try pouches or purees, keep giving foods to try. dd1 did not starve herself, and neither will your ds.

If you think about it though, since babies can't talk, the only way they can express how they're feeling is through being emotional. So if they feel very strongly about something, they will go 'batshit' rather than 'meh'.

He might just be really unhappy about the idea of certain foods and really frustrated that he can't just tell you. So his freaking out is his way of saying: FFS mummy, more fruit puree! Please!!!!!! Ahhhh why can't I talk yet????

I know it's a very emotional thing, you want to nourish your baby and he won't have it. But try to keep thinking about it in practical terms and block out the emotional bits. It WILL get easier someday, you just have to try to maintain your sanity until then.

Another vote to try and relax a bit OP. I know it's not easy, it's your instinct to feed your child and when they don't seem to be showing an interest it can be extremely upsetting. Neither of mine ate much at all at 9 months and not any significant amount until at least 1.5y, maybe older. It's incredibly frustrating, especially when you've spent ages preparing food and everyone else's child seems to be eating loads.

Definitely have a good read of the book people have recommended. It explains a lot and will ease your worries a little.