Is DS being too sensitive?

[whethergirl]

When I have days out with ds (7), and my sis and her ds (3), for the best part of the day everyone gets along fine, except I do notice that when I'm out with sis especially, ds seems to interrupt a lot. It can get quite annoying/ draining as I can never seem to finish a sentence.

More to the point, there is a re-occurring dynamic between the boys: my nephew is quite boisterous and will either hit ds, spit at him or throw stuff at him (whilst laughing/playing).

Ds is quite sensitive, and although normally likes a bit of rough play with his friends, can't seem to take it from my nephew (maybe because he feels he can't defend himself properley as he is so much older?). He'll keep telling him to stop (nephew then does it even more), gets overly annoyed and sometimes even starts crying out of frustration. Sis attitude is very much that nephew is only 3 and ds should be more tolerant. She will tell her ds off if he hits too hard, but otherwise will say "oh he's just playing with you, that wasn't real hitting" or "it's only a bit of juice" (when he was squirting juice over ds who made a big fuss out of it).

I'm not really sure how to handle these situations and it can sometimes ruin a nice day out. I end up feeling that sis thinks ds should 'man up' a bit. I will go along with that sometimes but don't like constantly dismissing ds' feelings either. Can I get some outside perspective?

I'ts just me and ds at home, no siblings/father.

SPITTING.????

And this is tolerated?

Ugh. If I were your son. I'd lock myself in the bathroom to avoid my rude, spoilt, ill behaved cousin.

Don't make your son spend his time with such an ill disciplined brat.

It is not easy for a 7 year old to deal with a boisterous 3 year old and he is quite clearly feeling bullied

This is not bullying because of how young he is but doesn't stop the feeling

So you need to step in and redirect the child's energy elsewhere, I'd also talk to DS after about his cousin and ask him how he feels and whether he wants a special phrase when he's overwhelmed which means you will immediately step in

Oh dear god - her son spits on yours and she says he should man up?

Your son does not enjoy these outings. You both leave him stuck with a child too small to behave in a sensible way and your DS is too young to manage that.

Stop leaving your child with your nephew. If you go out you need to intervene and stop dismissing your sons frustration at being a toy for your nephew to throw stuff at.

oh gosh, I feel terrible BoundandRebound, your use of the word bullying really hit a nerve - beacause that's how I feel ds is feeling, yet my sis would laugh at the notion of a 3 yr old bullying a 7 yr old. Sis' attitude is that a 7 year old should be able to take that from a 3 year old.

I don't feel comfortable telling my nephew off, so sometimes I'm stuck for what to say/do. Sometimes I'll say something like "he doesn't mean it ds, I think he's just trying to get your attention" but then feel a) I'm letting ds down who is clearly uncomfortable with the situation and b) sis thinking I'm mollycoddling ds and that ds is being a wimp.

colditz she will tell him off if he actually spits.

If my children had spat when they were three, we would have left the area and gone straight home, and straight to bed. They would be under no illusions that I tolerated it enough for a repeat performance, as your spoilt nephew obviously is!

Please don't make your son spend time with such a naughty child unless you are going to intervene

On the way back home in the car today, ds was stuck next to nephew in the car, who was hitting him with a toy and squirting juice at him, whilst giggling. DS would never ever hit back, and got so frustrated he started crying. Sis was getting petrol, so when I saw ds crying (and not sobbing crying, I just noticed a tear rolling down his cheek when I looked in the mirror), without thinking I offered to swap seats with ds. DS was so relieved, he just squeezed my hand and said "thank you mum". However, when sis got back in the car, she said he couldn't sit there as it was illegal (quite rightly so) and surely ds could manage another 2 mins in the car next to nephew.

I need to apologise to ds, I really don't feel like I gave him enough support, as I always feel a bit confused/embarassed by the situation.

Look, you need to let go of what your sister thinks.
Your sister is big enough to make sense of this and her ego will cope if you tell her on to stop spitting.

But, and I say this kindly because I know it is not what you intend, you are putting everyone's feelings ahead of your sons and letting him down terribly.

Why is the fact that you feel awkward admonishing her son more important that your son being treated so badly?
Look at it from his position - you are regularly taking him out with people who treat him like shit and doing nothing at all to stop it.

Seriously. Stop it.

How would your sis feel about being hit and spat at by your DS? Because if it's no big deal her DS doing that to yours because he's younger and smaller, the it'd be no big deal a 7yo doing it to an adult, would it?

You need to think back to when your DS was 3, think about what you would have said if HE'D behaved that way, and say that to your nephew. If it doesn't work, and if you end up in a position where you'd have removed him, you need to remove yourself and DS instead.

If it makes a difference to your nephew's behaviours you'll be doing him and your sis a favour - he's going to get lamped sooner or later, by a bigger child who's not been as well brought up as your DS.

Thank you for your replies, I actually feel relieved if that makes sense, I came home feeling something was so wrong. I know it seems really obvious now. But sis was really rolling her eyeballs like, 'get a grip' to both me and ds.

I have a very different in my parenting style to the rest of my family so that does make me feel like the odd one out at times. I once had a conversation with my three sisters that had me in tears, they were all accusing me of being too soft with ds and that in effect, he was turning out to be 'soft'. They are all advocates of smacking, whereas I'm not. They have told me, literally that ds needs to 'man up' which I think is a really horrible phrase. DS can also be boisterous, but he does have a sensitive side and I really don't feel like I indulge him too much at all!

you are putting everyone's feelings ahead of your sons and letting him down terribly.

And that's exactly what I knew deep down and why I feel so terrible. I really don't know why I was letting this happen but I won't let it happen again.

DontCallMeBaby I would never have tolerated ds hitting or smacking anyone.

I agree with everyone else. Your sister thinks he should take that from a 3 yr old?? He shouldn't accept that from anyone, and the fact that your sister thinks he should shows her up for the idiot she is.

I don't like constantly dismissing ds's feelings either
So don't. Why did you in the first place?

What e eryone else is saying, your sister is allowing her ds to be horrid. It doesn't matter that your ds is bigger he shouldn't have to be a punch bag for a three yr old! And as for spitting and squirting juice etc...

Bless your ds for being so good and not hitting back, he sounds like a good boy :)

Just wanted to add that maybe a power struggle dynamic between you and your sister is being played out via your sons and maybe you could start being more assertive to her.

And wanted to add that you mustn't beat yourself up now for previously "letting your son down". You are changing this now and will stand up for him or support /protect him and that is what is important now.

My three year old gets a ticking off if he hits/spats at other kids, so your nephew is definitely out line.

You can do this!

Yy. I agree with crazycrush about not focusing upon the past.

What has gone before desn't matter. You can start to stick up for your son from now on. Good luck.

Your DS may not be being bullied (deliberately) by your nephew yet, but if this behaviour is tolerated then he soon will be.

Talk to your son, reassure him that you know that he hasn't had the support he should have received, but that it will now change...then make sure it does. If your sis refuses to discipline her son, stop forcing your DS to send time with him.

I had a lovely chat with ds tonight. In fact he brought it up just before I was about to, by suddenley announcing: "We should always listen to what children have to say, even if it seems they are not saying anything." Apparently it's a quote from the Chicken Licken film?! Anyway I apologised for not doing more and promised to make sure I'd put a stop to it next time. I made sure he understood how important his feelings were to me, and that his cousin's behaviour towards him was not acceptable.

Thank you, all your comments have been really helpful.

Hi, just reading through this morning, that's a horrible situation isn't it? It sounds to me more like it's a case of you being bullied in a subtle way by your sister. That's not easy to stand up to, but you are now so good for you. Where is your sister's empathy? She is not considering things from yours or your son's point of view. Btw, your son sounds lovely and well done to you for bringing up a child who won't give into frustration and hit back. I have a 4yo dd and so 3 is less distant in memory to me - imo they know very well what is good behaviour at that age and so your sister ought to be guiding her child more rather than insisting your child change his behaviour. Hope you find a way through it.

whethergirl so pleased that you've taken the support on here and decided to make a change.

I will only add that at 7 and (horrid) 3 there may not be a LOT that the two kids have in common in terms of playing together. Perhaps if your DS is interrupting a lot with you/your sister you could think about ways to include him in some of the more 'grown-up' activities (baby chinos if you're having coffee/special basket to carry and items to look out for if you're shopping/whatever) so he isn't always stuck 'alone' with the 3yo who may not be enough to amuse him the whole time even if 100% delightful.

Good luck.

Whethergirl I didn't think for a moment you would have done. It's confusing for children when others get away with stuff they wouldn't, but I think they 'get' it eventually, and are the better for it.

Your sis is bu, if that helps! I am glad you had that chat with him. It is important for kids to feel listened to.

It is very hard for children if their parents tell them to accept unfairness.

Yes, a bit of tolerance for a yonger child is a must, and nice to teach older children, but this went too far.

Hi whethergirl. Dont beat yourself up about it. Whats done is done now. I think you should feel more empowered to tackle your nephew's bad behaviour. I am a real believer in the saying that it takes a village to raise a child. Your his aunt - if you cant get away with telling him off for behaving badly who can? I often take liberties telling my own dniece and dnephew off (sometimes I get told off by my sister for acting like their mum) but they know and my sister knows that I love them dearly and as long as I show that side as well (loving, indulgent, fun aunt) then I can get away with it. If every adult gives a consistent message that a certain behaviour is not acceptable kids will know not to do it. However once they know that some adults will not dare to reprimand them then they become more bold in my experience.

Tubegirl it's weird, I would never in a million years consider myself being bullied by my sis or anyone for that matter. However, this thread has got me thinking that perhaps there is something subtle going on and I'll definitely be more aware of it in future. And yes...age 3 is quite a distant memory of me, my nephew seems like a baby compared to my ds so often it's hard to gauge this as well.

GingerJulep the boys can get on really well too, nephew often looks up ds. Ds enjoys making him laugh, and taking on the 'big brother' role. However, you've brought up a good point. There are obviously limits to their relationship and I can see now that DS often wants to talk about things that are relevant in the moment, that nephew would not understand so will be more considerate about that next time. We did also have a good talk about how ds must make more effort at not interrupting so abruptly as I don't repsond well to that!

peacefuloptimist I am always happy for others to reprimand my ds if its appropriate, but parenting choices are so individual and it can be thin line between jumping in or seriously treading on some toes. However, I'm sure I can stick up for ds and make my point without getting too personal or making it a huge fuss, for eg."nephew, give me that stick please, ds doesn't like being hit with it, play with this instead" sort of thing.

Thanks again for the helpful and supportive comments everyone!