Feel like life with my two DDs is intolerably stressful

[PolyesterBride]

It sounds dramatic but I'm so stressed all the time with DDs 5 and 2. DD1 has the most epic screaming fits daily and is generally whiny and miserable. DD2 is happier generally but is in the full throes of the terrible twos and melts down frequently. Nothing is fun - it's all just about dealing with tantrums. It takes us an age to get out of the house to do anything and I feel lije I'm at the end of rope all the time.

This morning for example was DD1's swimming lesson. Because her friend wasn't well and not at the lesson, she had a huge poolside tantrum and I had to bring her home without swimming. Then when we got back, DP - who has even less patience than me - was trying to wrestle DD2 into her shoes to take her out. He nearly gave up and we had an argument about why our children are so awful.

I have just gone back to work full time so DD2 is in full time nursery and DD1 after school club. Can't help feeling guilty about that but we have no choice financially. DP only works part time because he is finishing his PhD. As a result he is usually unavailable and stressed and grumpy himself.

Just don't know how to manage things. I feel like DD1's behaviour gets worse and worse and DD2 is just learning how to behave from her. Not sure how to handle it though. I went on a parenting courses last year and it said to focus on the positives and not to threaten and punish but get behaviour really is terrible.

Just feel that the atmosphere is constantly so tense between everyone. The house is a tip but I am too exhausted to clean it in the evenings. We have no family who could help us. Very few friends either.

I need to calm down and get positive. But how? Don't want to take drugs like antidepressants and don't have time for counselling.

Sorry this is a totally disorganised ramble and I don't really expect anyone to reply. Feel a bit better for getting if out though! Thank you for reading if you made it this far...

Sorry that should read HER behaviour really is terrible

God I'm not sure I have any advice really. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I have a 4 and 2 yr old and I am at home with them all day - can't imagine f I was trying to start a new job as well.

You have to make time for counselling if you think you need it and it would help. Or, and I say this from experience, antidepressants are bloody wonderful things.

Sympathy here. I have similar aged DDs (4.8 and 21 months) and I find it a struggle, and I only work pt. My house is frequently a tip and it does get me down.

I would say don't rule out either antidepressants or counselling, I'm having both (diagnosed with pnd last year) and both have really helped me. I know it seems impossible to find the time for counselling- I felt the same. But it sounds like something is going to have to change, life can't be much fun for any of you at the moment.

Would it be possible for you to get a cleaner in? Or for one of you to take the DDs out for the day while the other one sorts the house? Don't try and do everything, just focus on the essentials and the things that make it feel cleaner like the hoovering.

With your DDs, I think you are right about being positive. I really like the 'Calmer, Easier, Happier parenting' book. The main thing in there was to give really frequent, really specific praise- don't say 'You' re being really good today', say 'You got dressed as soon as I asked you to- Thank you'. Think about the things that make you proud of your DDs and TELL them even if it doesn't seem relevant at the time. I found this really helpful for two reasons: 1) it reminded me that parenting isn't all bad and 2) it showed the DDs that I do still like/feel proud of her, even when things aren't going well. And the more I did it, the more she responded to it.

Good luck. Things can change. I was where you are 6 months ago, and I'm feeling a lot more positive now.

I sympathise. I've got a 4.7yo DD who is very stubborn and could scream and cry for England. At times anyway. She's got a bit better recently and I can only put it down to just being very boringly consistent. We did it for a long time though with no sign of improvement at all. Doesn't help that she's like a different child when she's with other people so felt alone with it as everyone thought we were just exaggerating.

My top tip when things are getting really bad and I'm about to lose my temper is to put my ipod on, obviously so I can still hear what is going on, but stops the tantrumy noise grating so much and you can concentrate on the music. I'm hanging on to the music sometimes iykwim. There's also the effect of they feel they've lost their audience slightly and there is no chance of whatever they're nagging for, happening.

I feel for you especially with a 2 year old to deal with too. Sending a hug. It's a hard, hard stage..

Yy to the counselling and anti-depressants. If you need them you need them. I've had both and no exaggeration, the anti-ds saved my life and counselling made it tolerable again. Hope things are not as extreme for you. But even if they're not, they can change your life. Maybe go and see your GP for a chat.

Thank you everyone. I know the thing about praising loads and I do do it but there's just too much screaming and tantrumming to ignore though. Can't even concentrate on writing this because of the noise in the room - maybe I should try the iPod idea!

Will think about the counselling. They offer it free at work. Not sure about the time though. I already feel guilty about having to leave early sometimes to pick them up and stuff.

Just feel like I don't have the energy to do my life - and I don't even try to go anything except for getting through each day.

Thank you everyone for your advice and sympathy though - I really appreciate it

don't take her behaviour personally polyester. it is not all your fault. sometimes children cry and scream and behave appallingly, they just do.

ride it out. be confident in your parenting decisions - whatever they may be - and know that it WILL change.

i think fatherfluffly's ipod idea is really good, and i completely understand about hanging onto the music. i know that feeling.

the only thing i can suggest is spending time away from them, and then spending time with each of them on their own. have you got any nice teenagers around?

i do know how you feel sweetheart. i am a bit past your stage - my dc are 3, 5 and 11, but i remember it in all it's gory detail. try not to think of it all at once. just get to lunchtime. just focus on one job in the house. be kind to yourself.

Have you had a chat with your dd's teacher? Sometimes it might be helpful so you can shared ideas of how to deal with her behaviour.

Sorry to hear what a struggle you are having. It took me right back to when my dc were small.

It does get better and then worse and then better again hopefully I think the golden ages for me were from 7 to 10 . Now I have teens and am finding it horribly difficult and stressful.

I don't have much advice except that ,what worked for me ,was as the noise and screams got louder I talked quieter and quieter, almost in a whisper sometimes in direct contrast to their noise.
If you can manage to contain your frustration and keep your voice low they do tend to quieten it down a bit in response.

The problem is they are little mirrors of our inner self.

Thank you again everyone.

I have thought about talking to the teacher but I don't think there's much point because she is perfect at school. She has never been in trouble once or caused any concern at all. We saw the school
Nurse last week for a routine appointment and she was so lovely and cooperative I ended up playing down any behaviour stuff cos I just thought I must be imagining it - but I am definitely not!

I think the point that they are mirrors is very true. If I am honest I think a lot of the stress is caused by problems in my relationship with DP. They are just reacting to that. We try not to argue in front of them but there is often a bad atmosphere in the house then tantrums from them just make it all worse.

I am now hiding in bed on Mother's Day just to avoid it all.

Will aim to stay calm and talk quietly!

Thank you again

Sorry to hear the teen years are stressful for you, Much Brighter. This is something I am dreading - I keep thinking, if she's like this at 5, what will she be like at 14?

If you've just gone back to work FT, bear in mind it could just take a bit of time to get into a proper routine. I had short maternity leaves with both DC which in a way is easier because I don't feel guilty for working and the DC don't know any different. It does get easier - they are not at easy ages right now!

I'm not entirely sure that dp couldn't do more to help in all honesty... everyone sounds exhausted and he doesn't seem to be doing much except studying (I understand a PhD is demanding but seriously a LOT of single parents study for a PhD and would never contemplate or be able to afford putting their children in so much childcare - perhaps the kids are exhausted, could dp not do more childcare ???)

He does a part time job as well as the PhDs and does half the pick ups and drop offs. He could probably do more if it weren't for the fact that he's in the final few months and if he misses this deadline then the whole move to this city and all of this stress will have been for nothing. The only problem is that it's all been so stressful that I am seriously doubting whether our family will survive. But that is a whole other thread...

I think it's more about the attitude than the time really. If we could all be happy and positive, we could manage this. At least I think we could. I don't know any other family where both parents work full time without family support. It seems doable on paper but the reality is really hard.

Sometimes I think if we split up then he'd have to do half and I could rest and then be super enthusiastic and chilled out the rest if the time. But I'm worried I would really regret it too - I feel like the best thing to do us to ride out this difficult time until the phd is finished and then see.

I am just rambling. I spend my life wondering how to improve my life but it seems so hopeless a lot of the time and I am so stressed.

honestly. i would get your dh to do more. yes a phd is like full time work sometimes. but its flexible.

im assuming nursery is approx 8am-6pm, and afterschool is 3-5.30/6pm.

if he isnt working between 3-6pm on those days (or every day if possible) i would get him to do school pick up, early nursery pick up, and then take them both home and sort school work/ dinner/ some housework.

that would leave 8/9am-3pm every day for work or study, then he could study again after 6pm once your home/dinner finished.

it would mean less change for your children, more money saved on childcare, and some housework done.

then at the weekend if he still needs some more time, maybe you can take the children out swimming/park/ lunch etc alone for some time with you and to give him some quiet time

that way both of you have more quality time with children over the week. change to schedule could be key to mis behaviour.

i think you also both need some 'me' time. so maybe work out when that could be. maybe you take every thurs eve for a quiet film alone/ catch up with friends/ gym whatever you like, and he takes another evening.
maybe every sat is 'date night'. this could be in or out the house once children are in bed.

if dh did more childcare and you didnt need after school care, could you use that money for a cleaner?

Can you fake being cheerful - sing away to yourself or out loud 'this is a funny song I learned when I was your age', laugh at anything and everything 'haha look that cat looks like a little tiger hahaha' and force a happier atmosphere. And smile smile smile (just doing this is supposed to lift your mood).

Also speak to DH and point out that both your sad and angry demeanours are influencing their behaviour and, even though he is v stressed, please can he put on a pleasanter air around your DDs.

I too suspect that DCs pick up your mood so you can try this. I am looking back now on my parenting and it didn't occur to me then that my mood was affecting DCs behaviour but I think it prob was (though of course they are all different).

The untidy house is only a problem if it causes you stress. You have another approx 13 years of parenting ahead of you to keep a tidy house when this tantrummy phase is passed, it's not worth bothering about.