Why do I find it so hard to give DS1 what he needs?

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

DS1 has just turned 3, DS2 is 10 weeks old.

DS1 has always been a high needs/sensitive child, which ultimately resulted in me giving up work to become a SAHM when he was 16 months old.

It's difficult to know how to phrase this without me sounding awful :( but I feel totally smothered by DS1's neediness. All he wants/needs is my undivided love and attention. He wants me to play with him all day, to stay in the same room as him, he wants to be constantly cuddling/stroking me and it's driving me nuts. If I go into the bathroom to wash my hands, he follows 2 seconds later to tell me he loves me. Which is sweet, but I told him I was only going into the bathroom for a minute, why couldn't he have waited until I got back??

He asked me to play with him this morning, I said no as I had some household jobs to do. He then said 'mammy, please stop breaking my heart'. I asked why I was breaking his heart and he said it was because I shouted all the time. I do shout sometimes, but I think he is probably alluding to my cross/impatient voice, which does get deplyed a lot because I get so impatient with him.

I am making a real effort to encourage him to be independent - ie getting himself dressed/undressed etc but if can't do something first time he refuses to try again and cries, asking for me to do it. If I ignore the crying it escalates until he can heardly breathe, and he repeats endlessly that he can't calm down. The only way he will calm down is with a cuddle from me. Which I don't always want to give him, because I feel so smothered.

He wakes up crying 2-3 times per night and needs DH or I to go in and reassure him that we are still there, If i ask why he's crying he says it's because he iss 'all by his own'.

He goes to a little playschool for two hours, two mornings a week, so i do get a little break. When I ask what he does at playscool he generally says something like 'stood and watched the other boys playing'. Which makes me feel guilty for putting him into a situation which he does not really enjoy, just for the sake of a two hr break!

I'm not sure that this post even makes sense, it's all over the place! Thanks for reading this far.

Sorry for typos, typing one handed as holding (also v. high needs!) DS2!!

, because it sounds like all 3 of you need it.

Breaking down what you put in your OP:

• how often do you reach out and hug him / ruffle his hair, plant a kiss on his cheek whilst you're sat next to him watching tV / doing a puzzle together? It might be worth trying to up the spontaneous displays of affection.

Also, where has he got his language from? I have a 3 year old DS. I know they can apply the language with a trowel ("I'm unhappy because I'm the only boy in the whole world with no bread to eat" because I offered him toast, he didn't want it so I ate the last slice) but you're breaking my heart is a hugely emotive thing to say - where has he got that from?

In terms of him dressing, can you take it in small stages? Can he do one button? My DS can unbutton by himself but can only button clothes if I hold the fabric whilst he pushes the button from one hand to the other.

apologies if I've got this wrong but I'm hearing you needing him to do stuff for himself because you also have baby to deal with, but he's not ready to do that. Can you look at toning down the cross voice for an authoritative one, and spend more time with him on his own? I know you mention getting time away from him, but does he get time with you away from the baby? baking, doing a jigsaw etc?

Tell him how much you enjoy baking with him, pushing him onthe swings because you hear him laugh etc. He will become more secure. He is however, only 3, and most of us with 3 year olds still get followed to the loo, bin, kitchen, but because we're mum / we might be going to do something interesting / they want to be with us. your son seems perfectly normal 3 year old, plus a but of insecurity. It's just the small steps towards him feeling secure in his place that you all need to work on - your DH will have a role in this too.

That does sound hard. We all need to feel we have some personal space and I know it can be frustrating when you have a 'clingy' child especially when you see others happily playing alone while their mum does chores/reads a magazine/chats to friends etc.

Can you help foster some friendships? Have someone from the playgroup over for a lunch or something? That may help him at the Playgroup and give you a break at home while they play? He may get invited back which then would also give you some time not that that's the only reason I do play dates, oh no

Thanks for replying. And for the hug!

He does get loads of spontaneous affection. I couldn't count the number of times each day i give him a cuddle or kiss or tell him how much i love him.

I don't get to spend loads of one on one time with him as ds2 is quite demanding. It's easier when we are out and about as ds2 will nap in the sling. So we go to dance classes and toddler gym and the park and spend lots of time together then. It's more difficult at home.

I was hoping that encouraging independence might boost his self confidence but it's having the opposite effect i think! I do take it slowly but progress is painful as he has no real desire to do things for himself.

Friendships are tricky as he won't really interact with other children yet. He freezes if they come near him and won't play, even alongside them unless i am there to guide him.

He is currently sitting with his head on my knee as that is preferable to playing alone for five mins while i type! (had been playing with him for almost an hour before this)

Oh bless him.

He will get there. My DS is about 6 months older than yours and has come out of his shell so much in the last 6 months. He will start to play with others in time.

Keep praising the small steps - ooh, you've put that sock on yourself, clever lad, and offering him other ways to boost his confidence - a big boy set of cutlery, more choice in his clothes - this top or this, jogging bottoms or jeans.

Also, how would he react if you set him tasks - set up a treasure hunt in the garden where he has to use pictures to go from one to another, or hunt the thimble or find something red or whatever? just small steps towards him doing stuff by / for himself.

and if you're really struggling, wrestle him to the floor and tickle the life out of his belly - you both feel better afterwards and it distracts him from whatever he was clingy about.

Its such a huge thing for a small child to have a new sibling. They're often scared you don't need them anymore /love them as much /wonder if its staying!

Think about it from his pov. He's had you entirely to himself his whole life and now has to take second place to a babies needs. Its huge! Many children regress a little or want 'babying' themselves at this stage.

Its so hard though when you're so exhausted isn't it. At that stage I had a home start volunteer to come and play with my older one as I was afraid he wasn't getting as much special attention which helped. Anything or anyone which helps the exhaustion is worth grabbing!

You're not at all unreasonable to be frustrated but at this point its worth being extra generous to your older one, losing the critical or cross voice all together and just taking things at a child's place. I think pre school was what eventually saved my sanity my son loved it, ha e him stimulation and I got a break!

Is he due to go to nursery in September? I think that will do him the world of good, as he will learn to interact with his peers in an environment where the teachers will make an active effort to include and encourage him. My understanding of playschool is that it is quite possible for a child to not get involved and not be encouraged to do so, and as the sessions are quite short the time can pass without them really doing anything apart from wait for you to pick them up. Nursery or pre-school tends to be much more active. Can you also try to visit some soft play centres where to play and have fun he'll need to play with other children? Don't have many other pearls of wisdom I'm sorry but I'm sure it will improve as he gets older and particularly when he gains in confidence at nursery.