Grandparent parent with residence order and PR

[peaches27]

Hello everyone. I have had an ordeal that has lasted over a year and has just ended, but in a way, it has just begun...

I have care of, parental responsibility for and a residence order for my two grandchildren aged 3 y (GS) and 5 months (GD). The Residence order lasts until they are 18.

The eldest has lived with me almost 2 years, the youngest since birth. They have had a difficult life. Their parents just werent up to the job and neglected them despite all the help and support they received. The father has other problems and issues which mean he can probably never parent these children. The parents were both given more than ample chance to prove themselves and underwent many assessments, the social workers seemed almost weighed in favour of the parents sometimes, despite their shortcomings. But the professionals evidence was quite damning and state at the moment they arent able to care for their children.

They have contact with their mother twice a week, when she turns up, at my house. After repeated problems I no longer allow the father in the house and his contact will be supervised by social services.

This is very very hard and has taken a lot out of myself and my partner. When you get to your mid 40s you dont expect to be bringing up babies and getting up in the night, you expect to be taking it easy. Psychologically its hard too, as obviously the mother of the children is my daughter and I ask myself where did I go wrong? How could I have a daughter like this who would have two accidental pregnancies to a man who is such a waste of space. Having done that, how could she walk out on her kids a month ago? I cling to the fact that she confided to the psychologist that she had a normal happy upbringing, loving parents etc. and also I have a son who is at university and doing well.

I am sure I am not the only person in this situation, but there is no support for someone like me. If I was my daughter, a single mum, people would be falling over themselves to help. I am not moaning, I took the children on willingly and went through a lot to make sure they lived with me and nowhere else. I have had to struggle very hard to get a residence order allowance, which was granted today. But I have been told in future it will be means tested, so it may dwindle to nothing.

I love these children so much and I am willing to give up such a lot to raise them. But if I saw someone else in my position, I would say dont do it. My own parents and friends have said that to me, but I cannot even consider doing anything other than what I am doing.

Thats my story. It ends there, but also its the start of the rest of our lives.

Hello peaches......I wish I had more time tonight because I wasnt to write so much in response to your post.
I am sure this is such a time of huge emotional turmoil for you.
I think you are fantastic .
I'm sorry its such a rubbish and rushed post , you deserve much more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lots of love to you and yours
xxx

hi ther s a poster on her who also has care for her grandkids ill let her knwo you ar here

Peaches, I have nothing but respect for you - you're doing a marvellous job and I'm sure your grandchildren adore you.

I did want to make sure you knew I was sorry for how I responded to you on your recent thread - I didn't know your background and thought you were stirring, but I shouldn't have been so harsh and I apologise.

I really hope that you find the support you deserve - can social services do nothing? How about Homestart if there's one in your area?

hats off to you peaches, fantastic that the kids will have such a lovely family to grow up in.

peaches - kick up a fuss until you get the help you need and deserve. I have fostered lots of children, some of whom went to live with their grandparents full time and I know social services can sometimes think they can leave you to it without any further support and input from them. I am assuming you will still have a social worker allocated to you? Use them, that's what they are there for.

It must be really hard for you to cope with the knowledge your own dd has been deemed an unfit parent. I hope you are getting some support to deal with this? Contact is another minefield - I hope everyone is coping ok with that as it can be very emotional.

Good luck, it sounds like you are doing an amazing job.

Just wanted to add mine to the respect and admiration of others Peaches. What a difficult and worthwhile job to be doing. Those lucky children - who knows what their life would be like if you had been unwilling or unable to be there for them. It must be gruelling for you, to be doing the day-to-day business of childcare for a second generation, and heartbreaking that your daughter for whatever reasons can't take care of her children.

FWIW I know from personal experience that sometimes people have problems whose explanations are not as simple and linear as might be assumed - it is just true that children from loving and stable homes can make bad choices and get lost, just as those from shockingly disadvantaged backgrounds can make good lives for themselves. There's no future in you searching yourself for explanations of your daughter's problems. Remember that your grandchildren have been given a chance of love and stability because their grandmother is you.

Sorry, I am not usually as soppy as this but your post really touched me and I admire what you are doing.

We have had social workers a plenty. I can understand now why some people never have a good word for them. But a lot of the time they are overstretched/dont have a clue what they are doing/are just sticking to the rules.

I dont want homestart. They did visit me after I had my second child and I found I was spending all my time watching the homestart workers child who was a lot more trouble than mine. Unless they will come and wash my windows and clean the kitchen floor then I dont see what else they can do. I have just come to the end of a course of counselling which has helped, but my last appointment is Friday and it looks like I havent got childcare to attend it.

The health visitor is great, but she has a huge area, was once in a team of 3 (she works 3 days) and now covers it all on her own. She is the only one who has really helped us. But to be honest, I dont know what else I need. I have just arranged half a day a week daycare for the both children so I can have half a day off. The eldest is in nursery every morning. I have a partner, who is the childrens grandfather and although he works, he does all he can and shares getting up in the night. The RO allowance will make a lot of difference because if the daycare works out I might increase it a bit.

Otherwise, Im just like a normal stay at home mum. Who is 46 and menopausal! I am used to being busy, I used to work full time as an early years teacher until I hurt my back. Sometimes I am loving being a stay at home mum, it seems like a luxury, other times I would love a bit of time to myself. But thats normal isnt it?

What I would really like is a night out. We are working on that ... suitable babysitters etc. We have to be careful. My grandson has more temper tantrums than most 3 y o, these are just a symptom of what he has been through.

peaches, I think you are a very special person - I may have said this already, but who cares !

Peaches - Hi First I just want to say thank you to cod for letting me know about this thread.

Secondly - I also wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this situation. There are literally hundreds of grandparent carers out there. Have you had a look at www.frg.org.uk – I found them useful when we were going through the court cases and they have a discussion board, which is useful for advice from others in similar situations. I felt so alone for such a long time. I don’t know about you, but my biggest ‘problem’ is not so much about being a grandparent carer – it’s more about being a young grandparent carer – everyone else seems to be 60 or above. One of my closest friends is a grandparent carer (two grandaughters although she is in her late 50’s). Another couple that live quite close to us are in their 60’s – the grandson that they had residency of is grown up now and they are currently in the middle of a court battle for their four year old grandaughter to be placed with them. The social services are adamant that she is to be adopted.

My DH and I are in a similar situation to yours. We have a residency order for our 3-year-old grandson. He has been with us since he was 5 months old, I was 39 and DH was 42 at that time. I had to give up work as at that time, GS needed ‘nursing’ back to full health. I totally understand where you are coming from in everything that you say. The shock to the system from instantly becoming the parents of a baby again – is unbelievable. Like your situation, our daughter has admitted that she had a very happy, stable childhood, and I have an elder daughter who is very career driven and a brilliant person (as well as a son, who is planning to go off to University). The father has many, if not major problems. We fought for over two years to find some sort of resolution to this and did hope all along that she would walk away from the dad and have her son back – it never happened. Our daughter visited GS regularly when we lived in Rotherham - although this dwindles from every day, to a couple of times a week when she could be bothered or when I pressurised her. The dad turned up once in a blue moon. Like your situation – the parents were given many opportunities to prove themselves and underwent many assessments – when they could be bothered to turn up. Anyway - at last years (second) court case, CAFCASS, an independent social worker and GS's social workers all made it clear in their reports that GS would not be going back to his mum and dad and that even if they did not have the problems that they have, it would be too psychologically damaging to take him from us now - we are the only real parents that he has ever known, and we were allowed to make the move to Cornwall.

I realise that she is your daughter and that it is difficult to reconcile your feelings for her as her mother, with her actions towards her children. I love my daughter so much, but hate what she has done and cannot understand the decisions that she has made. I am repeatedly asked why I do not disown her … the answer… she is my daughter, we were extremely close until this happened and I do love her. I can’t walk away from her, as much as I sometimes think it might be easier to do so. I would say - be careful of any ‘promises that your daughter might make about reconciliation with her children - only recently, our daughter was claiming to be thinking about coming to be with GS. Then she rang me and said that she had received some compensation that she has been fighting for since 2002 and has given the dickhead (sorry) half, then used her half to re-carpet the entire house and decorate. That money would have paid her bond and her rent on a house for a few months until she found a job – she has no intention of leaving dickhead to be with GS and I have to start living my life (for GS’s sake) knowing that he is with us forever.

The other thing – there are some issues to do with residence orders. For instance - do you realise that legally, even though you have parental responsibility, you cannot make decisions re; your grandchildren without consulting their parents? Did you also know that they can keep challenging the order and taking you back to court every few months or so – even if there is no chance of the children being returned, it has to go through the entire legal process every time – costing you money.

We are in the process of applying for an ‘up-grade’ to a Special Guardianship order as this makes the placement more secure in that they cannot take it back to court and although they still keep their parental responsibility – we can exercise ours to the exclusion of theirs.

I understand what you mean when you said that you couldn’t consider doing any other than what you are doing. We have been asked to remain aware that if she has any other children, they will be removed from their care straight away – the thought of the possibility of having to go through all this again with another child frightens me, but as you say, what other choice do we have really. Could anyone really sit back knowing that they have a grandchild, or grandchildren out there somewhere?

Can I also say that you are extremely lucky to have been awarded a residence order – most grandparent carers (including us) don’t get a penny – so well done you. You will also find that once a grandparent is awarded a residence order – the usual thing is for the social workers to disappear and leave you to it, as you seem to be discovering. Apparently, as you will see on the frg website – the social services seem to push for residence orders because it absolves them of responsibility financially and otherwise.

Anyway – I am not trying to put a downer on anything. I love my grandson so much and although I was close to my own children, I feel that I have much more patience and time for him than I had when I was younger. He has started to call his grandad ‘dad’ as this is what he hears from our son who is still at home. We still say grandad and are adamant that he can call us whatever he chooses as long as we make it clear from the start that we are his grandparents – hopefully to save on so many problems later.

If you want to talk, or let off steam more privately – feel free to email me though MN and I’ll give you my email address and/or phone number. Where are you based?

thanksf or replyinh J

Peaches, think you are great to take this on, hope I could be as selfless if I was ever in your shoes.

One thing that occurred to me - you are only a few years older than me and my kids are all quite young - you will probably find there are other families nearby where the mum had her children later in life than you did - maybe you will be lucky enough to make new friends amongst other mums your age who have young children. I really appreciate the new friends I have made since having kids as I have no family nearby and lots of others are in a similar situation. We all try to help each other out, with babysitting etc.

Do try to keep some time for yourself, I think every parent needs some "time-out" to save their sanity...

Peaches and Joash - just wanted to add my admiration. Your grandchildren are very lucky to have you fighting their corner.

Joash, thank you so much. I am not alone now. It was so nice ... well Im near to tears because I am so touched someone else understands. Its all so similar.

When you mentioned Rotherham, I got a bit excited, because we live in Sheffield, but when I saw cornwall I thought, oh well! Lucky you!!! Cornwall!

BTW have used the frg website and filled in something (twice) to meet others in similar situations but nothing has come from it. I am also lucky enough to have had good advice, not from the start, but eventually. I found that if I was made party to the proceedings I got legal aid, so I havent had to pay for our court proceedings and we had a really good lawyer and an excellent barrister this last time in court. We are not particularly well off, I had to give up work because of a bad back just before all this happened, and my partners wage is really only adequate. I have stressed this all along to the social workers, felt guilty about pleading poverty , but kept doing it anyway.

I will attempt to contact you through personal messages.

Just realised, Ive not got CAT because Ive not paid the £5. (until I see that residence order allowance I am looking after every penny, AND I'm in the red!). Do you have it? Then I can give you my email?

HI - I didn't realise that we now had to pay £5 to CAT someone, is that new?
We were made party to proceedings for the initial case - but if they take things back to court, you are unlikely to be made party to proceedings for that. The second case only lasted from April to July and cost us almost £5000 - and that was with an excellent solicitor who really did keep costs to the barest minimum. Two days after the case came to an end - DH had been made redundant from his job - but we still had the bill to pay. Thats why we've decided to try for the Special Guardianship - as there's no way they will be able to keep taking us back to court.
ANyway - I know we're not supposed to do this, but here's my email; [email protected].