How to discipline a child who reacts badly to punishment

[ClaireFromWork]

Difficult title really. Obviously all children react badly to punishment as it is never nice. what I mean is that punishment seems to make her behaviour worse. It makes her angry and stubborn and she becomes wilful and aggressive - verbally and physically. I'm not talking about her being smacked or anything, just stuff like not being able to read at bedtime, no screen time etc.

I praise and reward often (we have a pasta jar system running but she can take it or leave it) but she's down on herself and her self esteem is low.

How about the 'punishment' being a consequence that is actually related to the 'crime', if that is possible? I think it's difficult when for example no TV is a punishment for something that has nothing to do with TV.

Also, maybe switch things around completely. Rewards are earned through good behaviour, rather than things taken away for bad behaviour.

How old is your DD?

Is there a sibling?

Something I did last week, which was super effective, was reward ds1 with a pound coin after ds2 had been a complete turd all the way home, because ds1 hadn't been badly behaved.

Ds2 was OUTRAGED but I explained very clearly that he didn't get a reward because he didn't behave the way I wanted him to behave.

I think the trick is to keep the rewards as a surprise. Ds1 was THRILLED to have his self control and good behavior recognised.

Second the idea of a consequence - heard a great parenting expert speak last week and she spoke about using 'consequences' that are closely related to the bad behavior (ie, not turning tv off when asked means no tv following night). One warning about what the consequence will be and being sure to follow through helps to reduce a lot of the negative emotion for parent and DC. Certainly went down better with my boundary-pushing DD - as allows you to acknowledge the feelings vehind the behavior without judging while still discouraging... Not sure I am explains well...

Interesting idea. What punishment would fit repeatedly not bringing home homework though.

Actually going into school with dd to get it? You'd probably only have to do it once for the threat to be enough in future.

Are you working on her self esteem? I'm working through a book of worksheets with dd and it's really making her happier 'helping children build self esteem' by deborah plummer -it's expensive, but a friend and I shared the cost as it's photocopiable.
As for the homework-I'd be trying to work with the school on this-the actual not putting it in the bag is happening at school isn't it so I would hope they would be working with me to remind her. I'd want to know what the issues are around homework-does there need to be a different approach to it at home? We find doing it in the morning a lot better than the evening for example.
I don't really punish for that kind of thing-I'd express disapproval and talk about how it makes life difficult.I save punishment eg sending to bedroom to cool down or not going out to play for things like physically fighting with siblings or being rude to an adult.

Oh god, punished about homework at age six. POOR KID! Homework for primary children is so shitty, it really is.

How old?
What about a bit more natural consequences? So if she doesn't bring her homework home - she'll get in trouble at school?

How old is she? If she's old enough to be bringing home homework (or not) she should be able to work out that making certain choices results in consequences.

Is she an only child, does she have older siblings she feels get a better deal in life by being trusted to do stuff independently? or younger siblings she sees you 'taking care of'.

What IS her punishment for not doing homework? Presumably the school has sanctions like staying in at break to do it? Leave it up to them. They asked her to do it, she hasn't, up to them to punish IMO.

Obviously if you've asked her to do something and she hasn't then you punish. But I think it's up to school to dish out the consequences of not doing what they've asked.

how old is she? Dt1 is the same, prone to low self esteem. He jsut needs tons of reassurance, that he can deal with the discipline, and he must deal with it, or he will end up losing more. He used to have immense tantrums when sent to the step or sanctioned with losing something. At 5 or 6 he'd get extremely violent, but they have subsided a lot now.

If she is old enough, I'd look at some extra curricular stuff too to boost her self confidence. dt1 did a year of theatre school which helped, and he now plays violin, runs for the school cross country team and has come on so much.

What if in a quiet moment when there isn't strife happening you talk to her, ask her what she thinks a reasonable way of dealing with (avoid using 'punishing for') infringements/deliberate wrong-doing would be?

Not saying you'd follow what she suggests, if she has any suggestions. Presumably she thinks how you deal with something like, forgetting homework, is out of proportion to the crime?