How do you deal with opinions on your parenting?

[Tallgiraffe]

5 mo DS is a pretty poor sleeper, always has been, but having gone through the hellish 4 month sleep regression where 10-15 wakings a night became the norm, we are now thankfully back to 3-4, all of which can be dealt with via a boob. I happen to think that if he's hungry then I should feed him and co-sleeping means that we are functioning ok.

However, I'm coming in for some fairly heavy criticism from some of DH's family who are big fans of the sensational baby sleep book. And claim that because of hose methods their babies all slept through from 8w yada yada yada. Now if it worked for you, great, but I'm afraid I put it down at the point at which it suggested leaving your newborn to cry for 20minutes.

So, how do I tell these people politely that their method is not for us without causing offence at their choices? We have a big family gathering coming up and I'm dreading the "I can't believe he's still not sleeping through" comments already. My sister and I were both terrible sleepers too, so my family reckon he's totally normal

Hm, well, I don't tend to worry too much about causing offense :) so that's one strategy. I once had someone tell me, really meaning it, that instead of listening to doctors or really anyone else, I should listen to elderly people of her particular ethnic group (I'm not a member but DH is!). They know better than ANYONE else. Her DD was toilet trained at 6 weeks! I smiled and nodded and still tell the story - but she wasn't a relative, just a friend of one ...
I never left DD1 to cry; she'd get so hysterical she'd vomit. I hated those comments.
Maybe just smile, nod, and say you have a cunning plan? He'll grow out of it. (Cunning, right?)

I'd be firm but polite and say, "thank you for the advice but these methods do not work for us. Can you please refrain from interfering. He's my son and I'll do the way I think is best."

I had to do this when my dh's sister tried to force her methods on me. Before I had gritted my teeth and did the whole smile and nod thing, but she was holding ds1 one time, and he was crying - by this point I could figure out what he needed, he wanted sleep. He liked to be nursed to sleep (I did and still do bf on demand), she told me, "he'll cry himself to sleep", I refuse to let someone even family stress out my child for the purpose of "proving a point".

Stand firm by your beliefs, eventually they'll let it go or tell them straight :)

Tell them you don't want DC to develop plagiocephaly and that waking often to fill their tiny tummies is perfectly natural.
Being conditioned to sleep for 13 hours at a time because you know no-one will come to meet your needs is NOT.

Force them to read and absorb this Desmond Morris - Baby Watching
(I can't believe it's actually available to read NOW, I was just going to post a link to buy the book on Amazon!)

And read it yourself and KNOW that your instincts as a mother are thousands of years old and are designed to ensure your baby survives. Don't stifle them.

You smile, nod and say 'really' in a non committal way and then just do your own thing. People make the huge mistake of justifying and allowing it to be a subject for discussion. You can't discuss if one side won't. Try vague sentences like 'that's interesting' and change the subject.

Thank you all, I shall put your wise words into action and see how it goes! I know this is only the start - we've had plenty of "why haven't you weaned him yet?" comments too, but on that I find it much easier to say the WHO advice is 6 months so that's what we're going with.

I wish criticising parents wasn't a national sport

Just politely tell them that your DH and you are happy with your parenting choices and don't feel a need to follow the said book.

If you stick to smile and nod it becomes a virtue in the end! I got ' exotic knows her own mind, 'said in a friendly way by MIL -and yet I never had to disagree or tell her what I was doing! I just did it.

I'm a GP, tell them that health professionals do not advise leaving babies under the age of at least 6 months to cry anymore because recent good quality research has shown that this causes their brains to produce an increase of cortisol (the stress hormone) and high cortisol levels in infancy are linked to psychological problems in older children and adolescents. That should shut them up!

Mummy2benji, I am a GP too - could you post the links to said good quality research?

OP - just nod an smile and do what suits you and your family best. Just remember every baby and every mum is different and they think they are helpful.

Completely on a tangent but just a quick article from TIME magazine looking at the research into leaving babies to cry and the argument for attachment parenting - its pretty clear that the evidence is poor (and doesn't relate to CC and the everyday mum who is doing their best and doing a bit of sleep training.)

"http://ideas.time.com/2012/05/10/the-science-behind-dr-sears-does-it-stand-up/"

Don't worry about their feelings, they're not considering yours, with their insensitive opinionated comments! When they start on about it, I would just laugh it off if you can, and try to swiftly change the subject. Don't give them the pleasure of drawing you into having to defend your parenting.

I was once goaded into saying that I thought it was far to early for me to put my own need for sleep before his need for food and comfort.

It sounded very self righteous but I was driven to it.

1500mmania don't have a link sorry but one study was done at the University of Texas in 2012 whereby babies left to cry themselves to sleep (bit controversial) had higher and more persistent cortisol levels in the saliva than babies who were soothed - that was published in the Early Human Development journal. It was a separate article that I read about stress in babies and links with psychological problems in adolescence, if I remember where I came across it I'll post.

Mummytobenji - thanks for the info. I've had a look at the article

anaesthetics.ukzn.ac.za/Libraries/Documents2011/Early_human_development_June12.sflb.ashx

Perhaps if you had read it you would have read the first line of the results section that states that there was no change in the cortisol levels for the babies at the start of sleep routine and at time of sleep - day 1 or 3. The main result of the study seems to be that actually mums level of cortisol reduces on day 3 in comparison to baby. I'm also not sure this study is general usable as it is based in a inpatient sleep training unit rather than a home environment but I'll leave that up to you.

See the time magazine link in my comment above which shows that the research you discuss re: psychological& developmental problems actually relates to research done in severely neglected and abused children and even the authors of this research say this can not be and should not be used to describe normal short course sleep training.

Please be careful when making wild statements about research when you don't know the full facts. Most mums are trying there best and don't need healthcare professional fuelling there guilt with these sort of nonsense statements.

I'd just say -he's sleeping much better thanks, if they ask. It's completely up to you how you want to bring up your child.

(However, I would tend to side with them rather than you!).

I have no interest in opinions of my parenting unless they come from a social worker or a paediatric psychologist. The end.

I'd go with the smile and nod technique. Works for me.
I did use limited controlled crying techniques when my DS was 5mo. A few friends thought I was too harsh, but it worked a treat. I couldn't take any more of the more sympathetic approaches and took the view that my lack of sleep was preventing me from performaing many of the other maternal duties. We are both much better for it.
You just have to find the balance that is right for you and your baby, and bugger what anyone else thinks.