Not coping with toddler and newborn - slowly slipping into depression help please

[GTLH]

Since I came home with no.2 son my 19 month old plays up with me, hits, bites and scratches me, he is constantly resisting me, not wanting baths, not wanting to change his clothes or nappies.

I am thankful that he loves his brother and is transferring his anger onto me, but its breaking my heart, my husband can spend all day with him and not have a single problem, I am trying so hard to please everyone and don't seem to be pleasing anyone...

i am starting to think I am not cut out for motherhood, I have no family and am on my own with this, is this normal.

How can I help my no.1 son regain my trust because I am obviously doing something wrong and so want to put things right.

Please help

No please don't feel you are not cut out- it is a tough time- I really struggled - my health visitor was a constant source of support,advice and tissues.

I introduced bed time stories for my dd who was 2.5 and that was our uninterrupted time, if dh was still at work the baby had to cry for 20 mins.

Will try and remember other things that kept me going- it's 8 years now

You are not doing anything wrong - my strong willed but generally delightful dd was a nightmare - just her way of adjusting and dealing I think. Took her a while, when ds was 18 months she informed him that we weren't keeping him but giving him away to a family with no children.. No idea where she got that from, but it did make me laugh. Yes you will laugh again.

I think I tried to do special things with dd when ds was asleep. It is so hard when you are tired I know.

Dd bit me in the stomach once - she had not bitten for over a year so I u dear stand how horrible it is to have the aggression directed at you.

Understand not u dear stand!!

Firstly, congratulations on your new baby! How old is he?

I'm sorry you are going through all this, your son is still little at 19 months and this is just his way of testing boundaries, and working out that you are still there for him no matter what. I know it's hard, but he's doing it with you because his bond with you is strong and he knows he can let out his feelings to you. It shows you are a good mum.

Keep talking on here. Lots of mums with experience of depression and good advice at coping with two during the tricky newborn stage.

Absorb as much as you can as calmly as you can. Lots of praise got good behaviour and for being lovely to his brother. Explain that hitting etc. Is not ok. One thing I did was whenever my arms were free ( not often in the newborn days) I would seek out my eldest for a cuddle.

Feeling like you are slipping into depression is serious though, please tell your GP or HV about your feelings asap. It's nothing to be ashamed of and does not mean you aren't a good mum.

Oh sweetheart! It's very hard work dealing with 2 littlies and your love for them shines through your post. You are not doing anything wrong - your eldest is going through a normal phase of sibling rivalry and working out how far he can push things.

This Jo Frost book has been a lifesaver for me. Toddlers are scarily unreasonable at times but that phase does pass.

How is baby sleeping so far, everything always feels that bit harder when you're sleep deprived as well.

This phase will pass, promise.

Do have a chat with your HV/GP - they won't judge you, they just want to be able to give you support. (((hug)))

Having a toddler and new baby is sooo hard - I am in the same boat - and I am just clinging on to the hope that things must only get easier as they get older! Hang on in there and good luck.

this thread has funny stories of toddler unreasonableness if you need a giggle. You're not alone and it is hard work dealing with the little darlings x

Maybe you should go to your GP for a chat and to see if you are depressed. Mine was a great support. I took anti-depressants for a while and they made such a difference. Don't feel you need to struggle on alone, there is help out there.

They were too late opening for me, but the surestart childrens centre may be helpful and have toddler groups for your little one to play. Your Health Visitor is there too and Homestart.

Have you told your husband how you're feeling? Maybe he could help a little bit more when he's around but take the baby (barring breast feeds of course, if you're doing that) so you feel like you've got your relationship back with your toddler a little bit.

Sending a virtual hug x

Sorry, I didn't mean to say, get your relationship back with your toddler. Obviously, that relationship is good and strong. Just meant you could have some time just the two of you to be close and help him get used to be being a big brother. They'll be such good friends and playmates very soon!

Its a tough time!
I used to try and make time for DS1 when baby was sleeping, read a book when he was feeding.

We also went out with baby in sling quite a lot - I was regularly seen at the park and toddler groups with sling (and the staff know me as the hippie who breastfeed and carries in a sling - I was asked to review their breastfeeding policy, as they knew I'd bf - and I don't think I'd ever feed baby at the group! - and I don't think I'm that way inclined). People were great at offering help getting DS1 in/out of swings etc, even tho it was perfectly possible without help.

I also made baby wait occasionally ie if he woke up, I'd tell DS1 that baby had woken up, lets finish reading this book, then go get him up, rather than dropping everything the second baby stirred.

Baby also got told off for the same things DS1 would have been told off for - being very noisy, making a mess (when slightly bigger) etc - not because I was expecting baby to modify behaviour, but so DS1 could see the same rules applied.

I found when DS2 started moving, things got much easier. At nearly 2 and nearly 4, they adore each other, and have for a while.

Thank you all so much it really does help to know that I am not on my own, unfortunately I dont have a GP or HV where we are so its all internet, internet, internet....

My husband does help a great deal when he can but he works strange hours which doesn't help as my DS1 tantrums wake him up ( my fault of course)... that doesn't go down too well... then no.1 child (the 40 year old one) spits his dummy out...

Just wish I could split myself into 4. I am breast feeding and my 2 month old is up every 3 hours, plus DS1 has had a cold so he is also up during the night too, so I expect I would be handling things a lot better if I had some sleep, unfortunately one wakes when the other sleeps LOL (hysterically).

I am normally a happygolucky kinda gal so these feelings are very strange to me. I can't take tablets as breast feeding, so just have to fight through, this site has helped though, so I can't thank you enough x

Ds3 is 2 this month and ds4 is 4 weeks. Ds3 has started screeching at the top of his voice when he doesn't get his own way and kicking/ pulling on my hair when I'm feeding ds4 (every hour and a half) I have no advice but just wanted to say I know how you feel!

I am feeling better already knowing that it isn't really personal and is, it appears to be, a normal reaction helps a great deal.

I will just have to fight with him until we come to an understanding, which knowing my luck will be in about 20 years!!!

To know that I seem to be doing everything right, we are out all the time with his friends, I invite him to sit with us when I am feeding and try to find things to entertain him during this time (although his attention span is limited and he always seems to find a way to fall down and need my immediate attention) poor ds2 has his feed time interrupted constantly except when ds1 is sleeping...

I ask him to help with the baby which he loves and he is always wanting to hug and kiss him (a wee bit heavy handed but ds2 seems to be able to take it).

I just have to stop being so pathetic, become confident in what I do and get on with it...

A good cry has helped

Thanks again XXX

I am in a similar position. Have DS1 who is 2.5 years and a 2.5 month old DS2. Live abroad so zero family support. I posted a question here a couple of weeks ago as DS1 is being really naughty and has started waking lots in the night since his baby brother arrived. Baby hardly naps during the day and cries unless I am holding him and walking with him (I can't sit down or the crying starts again).

I am on the cusp of not being able to cope and somehow manage to get through each day then collapse into bed (only to be woken by breastfed baby a few hours later). DH works long hours and thinks I have it easy at home and am moaning about nothing. But that is a whole other thread in the waiting.

No advice really (as all the tactics I have tried with toddler don't seem to work - he is ridiculously headstrong) but people say it gets better and that the behaviour is totally normal which reassures me.

You are not alone.

It does get easier OP. mine were 20 months apart and it was a complete nightmare. I was house bound for weeks, DC1 didn't cope at all well with a new sibling, throwing things in the cot, hard toys! Trying to jump on her, pinching etc etc. and to top it all DC2 never slept well for months and still doesn't now 2 years down the line. Having said all of this it does get a lot lot better, they play so well together now, albeit the odd fight but they do love each other and follow one another round and stick together whenever we go anywhere. Stick with it, it'll get better!

2 months is still very little, in a month or two feeds will become less frequent and hopefully you'll start getting a bit more sleep at night. My 4 month old has changed so much in her feeding pattern and sleep over the past couple of months. Take heart, it won't be long before this extremely difficult time starts to get easier. Try to remember that your ds still loves you, you get the worst of his behaviour probably because you are his most important person and therefore who he takes things out on. Protected bedtime story is a great idea - I try to do that with ds1 (4) even if dd is unsettled and cries in her chair as dh often works late and I have to do bedtime by myself. I want him to go to bed having just had a bit of 'Mummy time' all to himself, without me rushing off to attend to dd. It is easier for me having a bigger age gap between them, as 4 is old enough to understand better a new sibling coming along, but you may well find that a nice end to the day and that it helps. You're doing a great job, try to remember that when it feels like you're at your wits end and pleasing no-one - believe me, I feel like that quite often! Coffee and chocolate...

NichyNoo I feel you, we live abroad to...

Thanks again everyone, having stuck to my guns and taking note of everyone's comments, yesterday and today have been good days :) (long may they last).

As you say time will tell.

Oi, no calling yourself "pathetic"! You're going through an enormously tough time, its normal to feel wrung-out. Hang on in there, it'll get easier.

Feel a bit similar with a 2.5yo and a 3 month. I am trying to just focus on anything nice Ds1 does but it is a v hard time with boundaries being strongly tested.

Mind you after a giant tantrum this morning resulting in his first time out for months, he played really nicely. I think he is just hating the lack of attentionan but what can I do? I am only one person.