Wits end pleases help

[leobeebs]

My ds is 7 and is just awful at the moment. His behaviour disgusts me with constant back chat, not doing as he's told, refusing to do homework I could gon on.

It's making me so unhappy and what it does to the atmosphere in the house. My dp works long hours so it's just us and I feel like we just rub each other up the wrong way. I've tried shouting, reasoning, smacking and taking iPad away and nothing seems to work.
Does anyone have any advice please I'm desperate even book recommendations so I can learn how to change my attitude towards him. Got some parenting books but they're aimed at toddlers.

i think a really good book to get is 'How to talk so kids will listen, and how to listen so kids will talk'

do you ever get any time away from him? it can be very hard when you are with each other all the time. even George Clooney would get on your nerves.

do you do fun things together as well as all the boring stuff? have a laugh?
sometimes the trick is not to take it all so godamned seriously.

remember that he loves you - you are the most important person in his life. however it may feel, he does not realise the full impact that his behaviour has on you.

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Thanks seal. I have that book but it all seems too much to remember although I am really eager to learn.
I'm really ashamed to say I don't like him at the moment and if I could walk out the door tomorrow I would and never come back.
We did make up at bedtime and what broke my heart was him saying he was naughty and he needs to be good. I would hate him to have that low self worth as deep down I know he's a very loving little boy.

We don't do much other than stuff at home cos if money and if I'm honest I feel low at the moment and feel like I've no confidence to go out.

i am sorry you're feeling low. have you thought about talking to somebody about how you feel? or perhaps just writing a diary. it has helped me in the past to get things out onto paper.

i think you can do nice stuff together at home. what do you like doing?

try not to be hard on yourself, or him.

basically the book is about respecting feelings. so if he says ' i am not doing my homework - it's boring' , rather than saying 'well tough you've got to do it - and no telly till you do', you say something like 'well i can see that you might think it's boring, what could we do to make it more interesting' - the important thing is that you allow him to express how he feels. even, or especially, if those feelings are negative.

just have a quick flick through the book - it is helpful.

My ds 4 has been really hard work, simillar scale as your describing but in 4 year old terms. I play it out with him, mimic, turn it in to a joke anything to make him laugh as it instantly breaks the tension. I've also found more time just me and ds, letting him do his own thing (within reason) and tons of hugs and attention. The exact opposite of what I thought would improve his behaviour and its thankfully working.

Hi Leobeeb,

It's so hard when there's an atmosphere in the house, and you are trying to figure out how to change things. I have been in that situation where it feels like my stress is making DD 'misbehave' even more and we keep reverberating off each other.

I found doing a course with [[www.handinhandparenting.org Hand in Hand] was really helpful for me. They teach 6 listening tools, which you can apply to any situation, and any age of child, and it's simply about building closer connections with your children, to help deal with behavioural issues.
The best thing about the course for me was having listening time where I could really destress about what was getting on my nerves about parenting. I could change my mind first, and then I found the atmosphere improved and my daughter's behaviour improved as a consequence of that. It was explained to me by the fact that we have mirror neurons in the brain, so our moods are actually recreated in the brains of another, and vice versa, that's what atmosphere actually is!

I read some parenting books, like 'How to talk' but like you the information doesn't always stick. Learning Hand in Hand has been a different process for me, because I can internalise the techniques, so it's not like I'm just doing what a book told me, but acting with my own intuition, and thinking about ways to connect with my child. It's worked wonders!

whoops this is the link, Hand in Hand

Watching with interest - my 5yo DS1 has just started this - he knows he has to be good, he wants to be good but he forgets to be good in about 1 minute. :(

Doesn't help that we have a newish baby in the house as well - although DS1 is very good with DS2, my tolerance and patience has dropped through the floor.

Will look at links.

Soooooo been there! A new book called 'Unlock the Cage: Empowering parents to step out of fear into freedom' has a whole chapter on learning to communicate with kids. Worth a look: amzn.to/YhMEue