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Parenting

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Original poster

My ds is just over 3 weeks and my confidence is at an all time low due to visit from my mother.

82 replies

Pinkflipflop · 23/02/2013 18:17

I thought I was coping quite well with my ds; mother hadn't spent time here as she was ill but came to stay for the last 2 nights. As a result my confidence at is gone looking after my ds.

1 Mother is obsessed that I am not winding ds properly, I spend ages doing it and usually manage to get a burp up but she kept on saying "give him to granny" and such comments

2 She is obsessed with giving the baby water, I checked it out and said the baby didn't need water, she gave it to him anyway . I told her this was not acceptable as I felt she had done it behind my back and she huffed with me

3 She told me I looked very awkward holding the baby and that my dh was much more of a natural

4 She kept on saying the baby was going to choke and kept shouting at me to run to his pram.

I just feel that my relationship with my mother has changed so much since my baby arrived a few weeks ago and I don't know why.

Mother is away home now and I'm left crying as I feel I'm such an unnatural mother. He just over 3 weeks, what can I do better?

Dh is at work and I'm a state right now.

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 23/02/2013 18:20

You're doing fine, I'm sure! And you're right, if you are BF he doesn't need water, I doubt he was choking!

Have a good cry, you're hormonal and next time, tell her shut up!

Flisspaps · 23/02/2013 18:22

The only thing you need to do is go easy on yourself and trust in your own abilities.

You sound like you're doing a great job - don't worry about your mum being a bloody interfering faffer.

Did the baby need water? No.

Did your baby choke in his pram? No.

Were you perfectly capable of winding your DS? Yes.

If you looked awkward with the baby, it was probably only because you were sitting in anticipation of her next criticism, nothing at all to do with you not being a 'natural mother'

Well done you - just keep on doing what you're doing.

MaMaPo · 23/02/2013 18:23

You are doing fine!

Baby is fine. He doesn't need water, he's probably burping fine, and you're holding him perfectly.

Is this the first grandchild? Might it take her a while to realise that you are the mum, not her, and so she can't expect you to do everything exactly as she would?

Please relax and ignore her. Your son thinks you're doing a wonderful job. Congratulations on your little boy!

Interested in this thread?

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Floralnomad · 23/02/2013 18:23

Just ignore her and don't invite her to stay again for a long time . You got to 3 weeks without doing him any damage so I'm sure you're doing just fine.

wizzler · 23/02/2013 18:25

You are not an unnatural mother, it sounds to me as if you are doing the right thing. Well done for telling her off over the water.
I have a brilliant relationship with my DM, and she is a wonderful grandma, but we spent many an afternoon with her wrapping my baby up, and me unwrapping him so he wasn't too hot.
Maybe she just wanted you to benefit from her "experience" .
Take a deep breath, make yourself a cup of tea, and cuddle your DS.
Everyone doubts their ability at sometime.. if you are really unsure, ask your HV

ThedementedPenguin · 23/02/2013 18:26

From what I read your doing everything right. My ds was very hard at bringing wind up, have you tried infacol? It does help. As long as he is bringing up wind then it's fine.

My ds never takes water he is now 23 weeks. They really have no need for it at that age so I wouldn't worry about it. Do not let your mother undermine you, if she comes again put your foot down this is your child you make the decisions.

I wouldn't listen to how 'natural' you look, holding a new baby can be very hard for some people, she shouldn't of made this comment it was extremely rude.

Try not to let her annoy or upset you. Relationships change but I can fully see why this one has with comments like that. Could you maybe ring her and tell her how you feel? Explain that when it comes to your child you will do it your way?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 23/02/2013 18:26

Your mother is an arse.

You are doing fine. I read and commented on your other thread. Good for you for telling her he doesnt need water. But seriously, her giving him it anyway is not ok. Its undermining you. YOU are his mother. She had no right.

If I were you I would be avoiding her for a while. She sounds like shes maybe jealous or feeling left out. But right now she is not your concern. All you need to do is look after your DS and yourself.

Have a good cry. But please dont doubt yourself. What does your DH say about all this?

Original poster

Pinkflipflop · 23/02/2013 18:30

I am really taking the advice to cry, I just feel so low tonight and I was doing fine.

I'm so paranoid that I have to sit and watch him in his pram in case he chokes; I had never thought of this as a possibility before. Why does think he is going to choke? What do I do if he does choke? I had a csection so I can't drive him to hospital.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkflipflop · 23/02/2013 18:32

I just feel like I was doing so well and not I'm not. I suppose I'm not a natural mother. I totally love my son though but I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

OP posts:

13Iggis · 23/02/2013 18:32

Grannies are obsessed with winding. Mine would spend hours bringing up the teensiest bit. When she wasn't there, I hardly ever winded him and he wasn't any unhappier (in some countries they don't wind at all I've heard).
She had NO BUSINESS giving your lo water, or anything else that you'd asked her not too. Can potentially interfere with feeding - you want the baby to be having the calories in milk, not quenching thirst with water! There is loads of water in milk itself.
My dm was a bit like this when I had my first (not as bad though) by time I had dc2 I had confidence in myself and could just laugh it off.

ThedementedPenguin · 23/02/2013 18:33

Your doing nothing wrong. Seriously to not listen to that woman.

Original poster

Pinkflipflop · 23/02/2013 18:34

Thanks everyone for your comments.

OP posts:

13Iggis · 23/02/2013 18:35

Have just read your later posts. I'm sure the intention was not to make you feel so bad. What on earth is a natural mother - probably just one who's spent a lot of time with babies! I'd never changed a nappy before I had my own baby.
She may be worrying about choking because of the back-to-sleep advice, babies often put on tummies in the past but it is much safer to have him on his back.
Try to remember this one fact: there is no-one in the world who knows more about your baby than you do, or who the baby wants to be with more than you.

DontmindifIdo · 23/02/2013 18:37

Oh ignore her! DCs very very rarely just suddenly choke. She's probably convinced he should be be sleeping on his front or something else equally stupid and this is her way of bothering you in to it.

Breast fed babies do not need extra water, FF babies still do often now and when your mum was last dealing with newborns, formula wasn't as good and so it was often advised to give DCs water too. It's just a sign she doesn't actually know what she's talking about and best to nod and ignore.

Or in your case, just don't invite her to stay again for a few months.

What does your DH say or has he been biting his tongue trying to not tell his MIL to wind her neck in?

BTW - store this up, when your gorgeous baby is a grown man and his DP has had a baby, you make sure you just smile and say how gorgeous your new DGC is and what a great job the mother is doing and remember that makes you a much better mum/MIL than yours.

bethyrose · 23/02/2013 18:39

You're doing more than just fine, you are doing brilliantly. Having a newborn is bloody hard, and criticism from someone you trust and expect support from makes it extra tough. Trust yourself. if you're not sure ask or do a search on mumsnet. I've 3DCs and MN has been my saviour!

Some Mum's find it hard to accept that we are grown ups, can be responsible for our own families, and may not want to do things their way.

13Iggis · 23/02/2013 18:39

If he chokes you turn lie him along your arm, at a downward angle, and pat his back. And if he didn't stop you'd call 999, so don't worry about driving.

DontmindifIdo · 23/02/2013 18:40

Of if you are breastfeeding, you won't get much wind up either, babies take in less air when feeding from boobs than bottles. If you are using bottles and the ones you have weren't made in the 1980s, your DS also will be taking in a lot less air with each feed than your generation would have as the technology has improved to avoid this - therefore you'll get less dramatic burps.

ChasedByBees · 23/02/2013 18:44

Your 'D'M is being really mean and rude. You're doing everything exactly right from your descriptions (including telling her to back off when she crosses the line). She should not be making a new mum feel so bad, how dare she? I remember how fragile I felt I those early days and how fragile I felt my new baby was. It passes. ((Hugs))

Phineyj · 23/02/2013 18:45

It's totally normal for babies to 'choke' - the bit in their throat that separates lungs and stomach isn't developed yet (sorry forget technical term) so that's why they bring the little bits of milk up. I'm sure it's very unusual for them to choke in the dangerous sense, given that they can't yet pick things up and stuff them in their mouth and they are only drinking liquid.

To be honest I wonder if your mother is or was quite insecure about her own parenting and is projecting that onto you. Maybe she was really worried all the time when you and/or siblings if you have any, were babies, that something would go wrong (is she a worrier generally?) Maybe she did not feel like a "natural mother"? (what is one of those anyway...)

I agree with the advice not to have her to stay again until the baby is older and you can roll your eyes internally and carry on doing what you think's best.

Also your hormones at the moment might be defeating your ability to shrug and say 'hmm Mum is annoying sometimes'.

ilovepowerhoop · 23/02/2013 18:45

no need for water even if formula fed unless they are constipated. My ds never used to burp much but it eventually came out the other end instead! She sounds like she has really knocked your confidence and for no good reason. You are doing a great job so please ignore what she has said.

Tee2072 · 23/02/2013 18:46

You are doing nothing wrong!

My goodness, give me your mothers phone number so I can rip her a new one for being such a cow!!!!

I don't really expect you to do that, obviously.

Casey24 · 23/02/2013 18:48

Hey, I've also just had a run in with my mum and came on here to see if I could get some advice on how to cope with her.. Glad to see I'm not the only one!

My mum is a neonatal nurse who has worked with babies for 40 years, so it's especially hard to argue with her! My son is now 10 weeks old and since he was born she has been offering to have him for the night.so after spending weeks stockpiling breast milk I finally felt comfortable letting him go to stay with her last night, but as he was leaving she remarked that if she was me she'd be crying her eyes out seeing him go. Well I just didn't know what to make of the comment but I ended up feeling really guilty that I mustn't have bonded with him enough if I wasn't in tears. I mentioned this to her when she dropped him back today and she just said I was being hyper sensitive..but I really think the comment was out of line especially after I actually felt I was doing her a favour by letting him have him not the other way round.

I think mums can sometimes can't accept that you could be a better mother than they were so just constantly try to critise and make you feel like a bad mother, I just think I'm going to have to not see her for a bit as its not worth it to feel this bad!

Phineyj · 23/02/2013 18:48

This link may be reassuring. They have an app too:

www.redcross.org.uk/What-we-do/First-aid/Children-first-aid/

Chottie · 23/02/2013 18:50

I just wish I could come round make you a cup of tea and give you a cuddle not MN but I don't care! and tell you that you are doing a fab job x.x.x. Please, please do not take all her comments to heart.

LadyKinbote · 23/02/2013 18:50

Is it first GC over-exuberance? Definitely her issue, not yours.

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