getting annoyed at my children because they won't join in

[bring8sunshine]

i have two daughters, just 5 and almost 4. They have never been very outgoing, at playgroups letting other children take things off them, always standing back. It drives me nuts and I try so hard (without succeeding I am sorry to say) not to show it.

I think things are getting better but this afternoon we went to a birthday party net door and I was ready to scream - which is I know not a nice way to be but I am being honest. We know the child well and his mom and there was another nieghbours child there who we do not see very often they know her. The mom said something to 4 yr old about the cake, cue crying, climbing on me, burying her head on my lap etc. Another bought of crying later and I brought her home for 10 mins.

Neither would join in the little games arranged. I go to the toilet with one and the other comes and finds us (it is not a big house). The mother of the other child speaks to four yr old and she jumps up onto my lap and headbutts me. They come to me to say "so and so is not letting me do something". They stand right next to me instead of going over and seeing what is going on. They went ti dancing and for months would not join in and in the end I left the room because they would not do anything whilst I was there and I was getting so annoyed with them I get pi8ed off, not nice but there it is, I feel irritated, I want them to be like other children, to join in. I think the other mothers are thinking " god, what is wrong with her children?"

I know I should be supportive, part if me things I will encourage that behaviour, I did not join in the games myself so maybe I need to do that. It drives me nuts and I feel like such a c8w.

meant to say, I know i should be supportive, but also I feel if i try to ignore their behaviour maybe that is better as it won't encourage it.

I've got a very uncooperative and often shy 4 year old. 4 is still very young and some children just don't like these type of settings, I remember finding them fairly tortuous myself when I was the same age. That's not to say that they won't change, and I understand that you worry about them not fitting in, but if they feel accepted then I think they stand more chance of growing out of it. Or maybe they won't, but if that's their personality there's not much you can do about it.

Have their teachers/early years practitioners said anything about their joining in?

Some schools and pre-schools run nurture groups with children who need a bit more support in developing these skills (and sometimes those who shine in this area to so they can lead the way).

Outside of school it can be trying but I think the best thing you can do for them is to model the social skills by playing board games or all colouring in the same picture together or a shared craft project or catching game etc. If you can include other children too then all the better, then you can gradually step back and let them get on with it if they are going to - as ThatBintAgain says, for some people it just isn't in their nature.

I know how I react is not helpful, they can tell I am annoyed with them even If I do not say anything directly. I want to be bright and breezy and ignore their behaviour and then do the games myself and maybe that will be the best way to be and I know no child wants to feel you want them to be different, I should accept them as they are and sod what other people think but at the time it is hard.

I guess I feel it is my fault they are the way they are. Eventually they do warm up and can be very outgoing in company they know. maybe the other neighbours child who they hardly ever see caused them to be so reserved.

my dd is exactly as you described OP. she is almost 5. i think i have just come to accept she isnt outgoing this is her personality.

i have been gently introducing explanations about how important it is to be polite to people even if she doesn't want to engage in any other way. it's very hard and frustrating and i have many times been angry she isn't confident like my friends kids but this reaction from me wasn't doing any good. be patient

DD has a friend like this. Parents are both very outgoing, so is her big brother - she will generally end up in tears and/or hiding behind a parent at some stage in every party. It's just the way she is.

I can see her parents find it hard, but actually it's no better if they leave her .

All I can say is that she seems to be slowly gaining confidence, and the less notice everyone takes of the tears, the sooner they seem to pass.

DS (age 3) is like this. It's not that he's shy, he's just not a joiner-inner. Or he's just slow to warm up, especially at events like parties. I now know that booking any kind of structured activity for him is a waste of time and money. Yes, it's madly frustrating sometimes but I am trying hard to accept that it's his nature. He's happy as Larry pottering around the garden or our local NT places, with or without some of his mates.

My daughter is very similar and someone recommended I read the highly sensitive child by Elaine aron. It's a real eye opener and I recognised a lot about myself as well as understanding my daughter more.

My 6 yr old is like this, it drives me up the wall. He's okay if he's with kids in his own class at school, but anyone else? Forget it. I know he'd have so much fun if he just joined in, and it's so hard not to react when he's like this, but some children are just very shy, and maybe you have two of them. I've been told time and time again that he'll grow out of it, as I'm sure you have, but it is rather frustrating in the meantime, isn't it?

My two can be like this, but are much better when on their own, can you leave them and then pop b back to see how they get on? After a few times when I let them be, they are now much more confident and although quiet at school, do get fully involved.

This sounds very hard. I remember my niece being like this at that age. As she grew up, she would join in with things if she was with a friend, but not otherwise. As an adult, she will do anything to avoid taking on a challenge. Eg she was recently offered a promotion from her very menial job to a management role. An incredible opportunity, as she did v badly in her school exams and didn't go to college. She not only turned it down, she fled from the job she was already in and found herself a menial job elsewhere (hopefully no risk of promotion there). Presumably this is largely down to ongoing lack of confidence in herself.

Hi OP, you need to chill out because the way you are feeling is not helping their self esteem

My 4yr old is like this and I really want him to join in and take part in things so it drives me slightly mad too!

There are some things he will join in straight away and it's really hard to work out what it is that holds him back - if he feels like he has an option then he just won't do it, if it's organised by a professional then he will join in but he needs to be one of the first kids there and have a chance to see what it's all about first.

I've stopped a few classes because he just wouldn't join in but he'll jump straight into a swimming pool with a new teacher and new kids and do exactly what he's told!

The more I push, the more he pulls back so I've been telling myself there are certain things he just doesn't want to do - I have always wanted my dc's to stand up for themselves and not just do as they're told so I'm trying to see it as a positive quality.

We had similar issues with our 4yo twins (and 7yo) not being friendly to people, saying Hello when people said Hello to them. We did some role playing where they said Hello and we went and hid our face away and asked them how they felt. We also gave out smarties everytime they were friendly. They have really got the hang of it. I think kids need to be trained to do these things, you can't expect them to magically happen and to get annoyed if they don't. It's your responsibility OP.

I'm 30 and I still don't like joining in stuff if I don't have to. Party games, singing, playing computer games, playing games like Twister or Pictionary in a group, team 'activities', anything on stage needing a volunteer, any kind of enforced jolliness - can't stand it. I'm happy enough to observe.

Thank you for the replies. I know how I reacted is deeply unhelpful. I am cold and short with them and they must know I am annoyed with them. I guess I was so annoyed because it was not a challenging environment. I have come to expect it in other places but they have been better, going to someone's house for the first time and running around and being quite loud, so yesterday just drove me nuts. The older one said that the other girl had got the purple bag when they were playing the sack race so that is why she didn't join in.

i know i am catastrophising like Dromedary has outlined about her niece. I don't want them to be people who are walked all over in life and there is the positive that they did not join in to be part of the crowd. However, I felt for the mother next door as there was only the four children there and the two of them spoiled any chance of a party atmosphere. However, they are not performing monkeys.

I did not leave as I did not want to leave the mother with four children, but the other mother left and generally I prefer not to be there.

We have school to prepare for soon and i am dreading it. I do not believe I was like this as a child, though I did not have a pleasant childhood. But their dad is quite reserved and his sister drives me nuts she is so reserved.

I did see that on Amazon there is a well reviewed book for parents in your position, it's not in stock new but there are a few second hand ones in marketplace. link

thank you, another book to add to my collection :).

Today is a new day so we start again.

Indeed we do start again :)

Being reserved hasn't done me any harm. I'm happily married, with two kids, a job and a degree. They're not consigned to a life of misery just because they don't want to join in.

There's a good thread on here for introverts, it might be worth a read too :)