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Original poster

How on earth do I prepare my daughters???

25 replies

emkana · 29/04/2006 22:34

As many of you know I am expecting a baby who is potentially very ill or who might even die soon after birth. Unfortunately nobody can tell me exactly what the outcome will be.

I just don't know what to say to my dd's, who are five and 2.8. How can I prepare them for something when I don't even know what that something is going to be? On the one hand I don't want them to be hit by terrible news unexpectedly, on the other hand I don't want to frighten them when there is still some hope that things might be okay.

Any ideas/suggestions/experiences would be very much appreciated!!!

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Original poster
emkana · 29/04/2006 22:43

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milward · 29/04/2006 22:45

my ds4 had antenatal results from my blood tests that pointed towards an abnormality. We wouldn't know until after the birth what the situation was (in the end it was ok). We didn't say anything to our dd1,2 & 3 as with small kids it's hard for them to imagine the time scale of tomorrow something will happen or next week... We just thought it best to say what had happened when it had happened and what this meant - iyswim. Thoughts are with you xxx

bramblina · 29/04/2006 22:45

I'm sorry to hear this and have no experience at all but if it were me I think I would be totally honest (as much as is poss without the fright) and they will probably understand very well. Good luck.

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milward · 29/04/2006 22:48

Just to add - as you know there is a problem (if this is not right to say it like this - sorry if it's not the right words)you will be feeling worried & seeing your dds getting ready for a baby arriving - I don't know what to say for this aspect. I hope you get some good support here on this xxx

Celia2 · 29/04/2006 22:51

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Waswondering · 29/04/2006 22:51

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notasheep · 29/04/2006 22:55

I didnt know ,hope you are keeping well.
I think i would try and be as honest as possible.
I often have chats with dd about other children who arent as well as her(she is 6).There are a number of children at her school who have handicaps of some sort so i suppose she is very aware that often children can be poorly.

I think you may be surprised how much your dds will understand.Only you really know what would be best.

Thinking of you

naswm · 29/04/2006 22:55

OMG Emkana. Yes call SANDS, they are v gogod. No construtive advice though, sorry. And obviooulsy there is alot of differnece between teh understanding of a 5 year old and a 2 year old. Your midwife/hospital shoudl be able to put your in tyouch with a trained family counsellor. x

ScummyMummy · 29/04/2006 22:56

Are they asking questions, emkana? I think the general thinking is that you need to be honest and not afraid to show that you are very upset but at the same time you should try not to be too intense or overwhelm them with information. Though how on earth you and dh achieve that when you are sick with worry is beyond me.:( Is there anyone else they trust and know well who could talk to them? I guess you need to say something like you are very worried and sad because the doctors have told you that the new baby may be very sick and have to stay in hospital and that, sadly, a very few babies who are very sick die. Oh emkana. It's just such an awful thing to have to discuss ith them, isn't it? I think you are very brave to be confronting it for them. i think they will thank you in years to come. It's probably more scary for them not knowing why you are so worried atm.

robinpud · 29/04/2006 22:57

I have followed yuor threads emkana and admire you determination. I would echo what waswondering has just said about getting in touch with a specialist group like SANDS if there isn't a hospice near you, even if you might not need them. A friend who has just lost her 11 year old son to leukaemia has really missed out on the counseling etc that she really needs becuase the hopsital didn't provide it. Best wishes.

hugeheadofhair · 29/04/2006 22:58

Emkana, so sorry for you, and your family.
I agree with Bramblina, that being honest is probably the best way. Saying that you know that the baby isn't well, and that you or the doctors don't know exactly how ill the baby will be. I don't think there is a need to speak about death yet, if you are explaining now that the baby might be ill then if that happens you can explain the baby was too ill/not strong enough to live. I really feel for you. A friend of mine went through a similar experience and it's hard (and that's of course an understatement). All the best to you and yours

Christie · 29/04/2006 23:04

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cazzybabs · 29/04/2006 23:14

I would have thought honsety is the best policy - they must have picked up that something is up..you don't know what the outcome will be and if your baby is very ill you don't want be dealing with 2 very upset daughters who may have coped better if you started talking about things now.

There must be some good books on the topic - prehaps SANDS could help by suggesting things. I have always found books a good way into a topic. Could you role play a poorly baby in hospital with it staying in and lots of doctors looking at it...?

I am thinking of you and praying for your family (if thats OK?).

Original poster
emkana · 29/04/2006 23:15

The strange thing is that on a day to day basis I feel almost normal, and so it's not as if they see me upset a lot or anything. That happens mostly at night. Sad

I am also sticking my head in the sand a bit and so am still hoping that there might be a positive outcome to all this.

So talking to them about the seriousness of the situation would not be necessary due to them seeing me cry or anything. Should I still make the effort to tell them about things?

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cazzybabs · 29/04/2006 23:16

Seeing you cry might be a good thing? Children are really reslisant and often cope with things far better than we do.

jamiesam · 29/04/2006 23:16

oh emkana, I've followed your story for sometime now, wishing I could find some words or advice to help you cope with your rollercoaster.

This isn't my very good advice, but I found \link{http://society.guardian.co.uk/children/story/0,,1763886,00.html\this} article today in the Guardian about dealing with death of a sibling. But it occurs to me that the need to be honest with your children, as far as you can, about what is happening, is really important.

I think the first line of your first post says it all really - your baby might be very ill or might die. But he might be OK. If you feel brave enough, I should try to discuss that with your dd's. And explain that this is nobody's fault. And perhaps try to think of things that could involve your dd's if the worst happens. If your ds spends a long time in hospital, I guess your dd's wouldn't be able to visit and need to feel included. If he died then they need to feel a part of his life.

Nightynight · 29/04/2006 23:20

I think if it was me, I would just be honest about whatever happens, as it happens. (Hopefully, a happy outcome)

notasheep · 29/04/2006 23:22

I had a brother and sister who died in infancy and my Mother never told me,i found out through other family members,I so wish she had told me what had gone on......

Hope you get all the support you can and can talk to your dds.

We pray here too

Nightynight · 29/04/2006 23:22

Staying optimistic is very important for health! (power of the mind etc) It isnt sticking your head in the sand.

ScummyMummy · 29/04/2006 23:22

Do they have a conception of what happens normally when a baby is born? Does dd1 remember dd2 coming home from hospital/ being born at home, for example? I think that it is probably worth preparing them for the possibility that the baby will have to stay in the hospital for a while and that if that happens they will visit him there. But that's just a gut feeling and tbh, I think you should only do what you feel right about/strong enough doing atm.

Beauregard · 29/04/2006 23:37

Sorry to hear this emkana ,
I hope that you find your own way of explaining it to them and i wish you all the best.
Thinking of you .

RTKangaMummy · 30/04/2006 00:13

When DT1 died we got a book from UCH to read to DT2 when he was older about what they had been through in NNU ITU

Anyway I have just found it

It is called

SPECIAL CARE BABIES and is by ALTHEA

ISBN 0 85122 543 8

DINOSAUR BOOKS

11 years ago it cost £1.50 so is only a small book but is very good

It is a story about a boy who has a sister who is prem and in hospital special care in incubator, and the mum has to stay in hospital with sister, shows what all the wires etc are on the baby, and how he feels being left at home with daddy or friends while mummy and sister are in hospital, and going in to visit then the mummy coming home, and leaving sister in hospital, about other babies there having operations, one baby dying, about the mum expressing and baby feeding through tube etc

It is really easy book for children to understand

Perhaps go to special care unit to ask if they still have copies of it

The pictures are coloured pencil drawings and are lovely

\link{http://www.handsupport.org/library.html\here is another list of books on loads of different topics - but in USA but the book I am talking about is there so if one of them is what you want you may get from library}

.

mumball · 30/04/2006 00:44

I don't think you can prepare them, I think the questions will be too huge (for yourself to cope with) and the answers are too vague, as you said yourself you don't know what the outcome is, so why worry them with something that is reasonable difficult for small children to understand, and also something where the outcome is unpredictable. Children cope remarkably well when babies die, if told honestly the reason why. They also Cope well if the child turns out handicapped or ill, it's like an acceptence of the situation "this is like it is and thats that". It's the unknown that is frightening as they can imagine all sorts of things. I would suggest waiting. My DD was older (8) when things unfolded in my pregnancy, she was also in the room when the scan showed problems. She was also 11 when DS was born and had a brain Haemorrhage, but she still just accepted what was going on both times. Also I do think that Doctors do work on a 'worse case senario' As they have frightened the hell out of us with our DS at times and certainly continue to do so, only for the suspected outcome not to happen. I certainly not belittling the devastating diagnosis given by your DR, but I would definately go with the wait and see senario, before speaking to your girls.

Tortington · 30/04/2006 00:48

small children are much more accepting of things we are daunted by. If it was me in your situation, i wouldnt say anything. then when or if apparent differences appear, or medical intervention occured i would explain with a non peturbed tone - they will pick this up and see it as a normality.

a childs grasp on "acceptance" or "normality" comes from us as parents until they are much older.

Original poster
emkana · 30/04/2006 19:38

Thank you all for your thoughts, it really helps.

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