At the end of my tether....is controlled crying the only way???

[BabyHaribo]

DS is 13 months. Was a relatively good sleeper until several illnesses over Christmas including me being really poorly. We now seem to have fallen into the habit of rocking to sleep which is resulting in multiple night wake ups to be rocked back off . He won't allow DH to rock him only me, last night was awake 1-4am as every time I tried to lie him down he woke and cried. At 4am he came into bed with me.

I have been trying to break the habit by rocking to relax and then putting down whilst still awake. Seems to be working in the day for naps but at night it's a different story. I will rock until almost asleep then place him in the cot. He immediately turns over throws his dummy across the room and screams.

Why are naps so much easier? Am I doing something wrong? I hate the idea of controlled crying but DH wants to try it and we are all soooo tired I am beginning to think it is the only option.

Personally, having tried it and given my son horrendous separation anxiety I'd say definitely no to controlled crying!

I know how tough it is having a bad sleeper, but we tried CC around 12 months old and (after doing it for 2 nights) my DS became super clingy, he would sob if I left the room even just to go to the toilet, and it took a good couple of months for him to get over it

I contacted the health visitor and they arranged a sleep trainer to come out to the house and help me and DH figure out the best way to break the sleep associations DS had formed so that he would self settle through the night, and it really helped.

I felt like such a horrible mum to put DS through CC, and as the sleep trainer said to me "if you were crying that hard, your eyes would be sore, you would have a headache, and you wouldn't get a good night's sleep, so why would it work for your baby?" I know some people swear by it, but we managed to get DS sleeping through the night without letting him sob, if it feels wrong to you then don't do it!

Everything Rockchick said. CC is so bad for them. Apart from being ill, has anything changed in your lives recently? It sounds a bit separation-anxiety-ish - how is he if you just stay with him in his room without rocking him? Might be worth trying something like that for naps first as they seem easier at the moment and then seeing whether it can work at night too.

13 months is prime time sleep regression do you might e fighting a losing battle. Dd is 14 months and it's like a switch - she is much easier to settle.

Rock him to sleep, put down when asleep straight away. And keep your hands on him, put your mouth near his ear and sing or something (I hum a song to dd so kept that going iyswim). I had to keep my hands on her for a good 15-20 mins. But now she's easier - I feed, cuddle, in cot, stroke back for a couple of mins and she's asleep. Sleeps better at night too (she also has a dummy).

I also have to make sure she's winded as even now at the grand old age of 14 months she still takes down air when feeding due a lip tie. Only takes two mins but means she settles better.

You must be exhausted you poor thing - and your DS. Unless you have incredible reserves of energy, you can't carry on like that - having to hold him for three hours in the middle of the night. You'll go crazy from lack of sleep.

I personally am not anti-controlled crying like the previous posters (though I'm so sorry they've had bad experiences), I know too many people whose lives it has helped so much and I think different things work for different people and children (though personally I would never just leave a child to cry themselves to sleep, I've used the reassurance method of going back in, rubbing back, leaving. etc.

HOWEVER, your DS has obviously got into a habit he loves, and it's going to take a bit of toughness on your part to change things. It's simple - he likes being rocked, and he wants you to carry on. We'd all love to be rocked to sleep next to a warm loving body! There's no deeper theory about it, I don't think.

My 2yo DS was ill with pneumonia recently and I put him in the bed with me for about five nights till he was better. And, naturally, when he was better, he didn't want to go back in his cot.

I am a very cuddly physically affectionate type of mum, and though I adored having his warm little body next to me, I know full well the negative effects of lack of sleep on me. So I just bit the bullet and didn't brook any argument over it.

We went back to his normal bed-time routine, then, after his book, he went into his cot and I walked out the room. He would cry for about five minutes and then usually go to sleep, if he didn't, I would go in, murmur softly to him, rub his back and leave. Usually this would take only half an hour or so. And if it didn't, I would sit on the floor by sleep, then leave. I refused to give in and take him out of his cot - ever - because I knew I needed my sleep back. After three nights it was fine. And I've done this with him always when his sleep has gone awry. He's back to sleeping 12 hours a night.

You just need to tell him (they understand so much) and you, that you are NOT going to be doing any rocking any more. And brace yourself for some hard few nights of putting him down, leaving him for a bit, going back in, reassuring. And if you're brave and you think he's okay, leave him a bit longer, seven minutes, 10. He WILL start going to sleep in his cot if you stay strong.

You could also let him fall asleep while you're in the room, if you really can't bare to leave him. I think the most important thing is not to take him out of his cot - unless he's actually hysterical whereupon you could reassure him with a hug, then put him down.

Children suffer a lot worse hardships than being encouraged to go to sleep in a comfy bed. He needs to re-learn how to settle himself to sleep - and you need to help him.

Good luck! (and sorry- have just noticed this is a major essay!

I'm v anti cc bit actually I agree with the rest of life's post. Exp used to rock dd1 and I was quite worried that would cause problems eventually. I used to wait for her to go to sleep then out her down. All of that is based in deceiving the kid which compounds their anxiety at being left.
Dd1 was a pain with bedtimes at the age too. I used to sit on the floor and read - as in me, not reading to her. Sometimes it took an age for her to fall asleep but it removed all the sleep crutches and she learned to put herself to sleep without being g left or being upset. It paid off in the long run.

No Cry Sleep Solution was great for us.

I also used to do what Piemother did - sit on the floor and read my book! Actually got a little nightlight for my kindle. I'd also make a cup of tea before going in.

I'm getting a kindle if I have to do this with dd2 I used to just manage with the landing light.
In the long run this method is more likely to work because they don't wake up when you leave because they feel your body heat withdraw. I still do this with dd1 but it takes ten minutes for her to fall asleep

CC is definietly not the only way!!

I wish more people knew about [[www.handinhandparenting.org Hand in Hand] parenting, and how amazing and affective their techniques are for sleep.

Here's an article that explains, what you can do.

www.handinhandparenting.org/news/49/64/Helping-Young-Children-Sleep

whoops sorry this is the first link I meant to post.

Hand in Hand Parenting

Thanks for all the replies. I agree with what life said he has got into a habit and I need to break it....but that is easier said than done!

He now has a streaming cold so definitely no cc at the mo. I have been trying to give one cuddle to relax and then put down and not get out of the cot. It is working but slowly although having said that he did sleep through last night and it's amazing how much better you feel after one good night.

I have used pick up, put down with mine. He always gets into bad habits when he is ill and expects rocking, cuddling to sleep etc. The key is to put them down completely before picking them up again, even if they start crying halfway through.

Ha the baby is developing intelligence! Was warned about the rocking thing so must admit, never did that but tbh, regardless all my kids have gone through different stages re difficulties in sleeping. It mainly started when they were teething and sometimes there are periods of time like that. It's not ideal but my dh took ds1 out on the golf course at night (dogs got an extra walk so they were happy!) or sometimes the car would help. This should only be done in exceptional circumstances but if you really are knackered and need some respite - sometimes we'd leave ds1 in his car seat while we slept!

Do u give Calpol (just to make sure your baby is not teething). Another thing you may want to think about is limiting nap times during the day?

Must admit, have used controlled crying ( ie gradually increasing it) and it did help tire them out. But remember Jo frost (super nanny) starting with a chair close to the baby and doing whatever u need to do (eg singing, reading) and then each night starting to put the chair further and further away from the cot.

Other people swear by routine (calming bath with lavender) ....

My ds comfort was mainly his dummy. Dd2 - her comfort was being bf till 11 months in my bed and then her milk was a comforter. Unfortunately that habit lasted until q recently until we cut it out completely which involved a week of sleepless nights but has been with it. My 7 month old is sleeping like a dream right now but she's not really started teething yet!

We have also done various stuff like sitting until the fall asleep, also falling asleep beside the bed/ cot, by keeping door open v shut if they stop crying (that works when a bit older) and I've also done the complete freak out thing because my ds1 used to throw up every time we left the room. The freaking out did actually stop him!

So I guess you're wondering what my point is - you do what gets you through at any given time and the means may sometimes be unconventional as long as it works for you as a family! And if all else fails, there is always ear plugs!

I am one for CC. I went to back to work full time at 6 months and tbh - driving around the UK on less than 2 hours sleep (not necessarily at the same time) was dangerous.

So, we used CC. It took 3 days. What I would say is that you BOTH need to agree to it. If you go in after 15 mins of screaming and crying it wont work. If you really dont think you can do it (and a friend of mine couldnt, would jump up at the slightest grizzle and ended up with a DS that was still coming into their room at 7!) then dont try. Try some of the other options but it worked for us.

6 months is too young for CC, even if you do agree with it.

Sorry, I didn't do at 6 mths. I did at 12 mths. Recognising that we really did need to do it having tried other things took us 6 mths

All children are different.

Kudos to you for trying 6 months of things before resorting to CC!