How do I 'betray' my DD's trust, and explain it to her?

[bunchamunchycrunchycarrots]

Looking for some advice on a 'tricky' issue. DD is 7, in P3.

She has a 'best friend' at school who has some history I'm not completely aware of, but I thought I understood that she had had a hard time. Information I've gathered has come via DD, and it all sounded like she was a really unfortunate child who seemed to be being bullied. Turns out she was trying to get her older brother to bully other kids, and my DD was caught up in the cross fire - she was being excluded because she was friends with this girl. I'm sure there is more to it but that's as far as I know. Seems things have died down a bit, and the school dealt with that.

However, on thursday DD said she had a secret, and she knew it was important to not keep secrets from your parents. She asked me if I wanted her to tell me, and I told her if it was serious and important then she should tell me. She said her friend told her that she had had a bad day on tuesday, that 2 social workers came to her home to try and take her and her 2 brothers away from her mum. She said that the HT had called social workers on them as she was trying to get her out of the school. I asked if her friend was still with her mum, and she said yes. She said one of the SWs was nice but the other was horrible, and made her tidy her room (!). I said she was right to tell me, and then we changed the subject. I honestly don't know what to say to her about it.

I've spoken to a friend who is a retired teacher and she suggests speaking to the HT about what the girl has said. I'm not happy that DD is being led to believe that the HT would call SS to a) take her friend away from her mum and b) do this to try and get her friend out of the school. The problem is I obviously don't know why SS were called, so I don't really know how to explain it, and I also don't want DD to think the HT is some horrible person who is out to 'get' her friend/family.

DD has only told me about this conversation, so if the HT says something, she'll know I told her. Her friend then might also know DD told me, and that I spoke to the HT. I'm not so bothered about her friend, but how can I explain to DD why it's necessary for me to tell the HT what's been said, and still expect her to trust me with something else should that come up in future?

I just need some help with how to word this so as to not make DD think that she can't trust me with something important or serious.

Thanks.

well firstly, why on earth would the head teacher say anything to your dd about it?

secondly, what exactly would you want to say to the head?

and lastly cant you just tell your DD that her friend must be mistaken and that the HT wouldn't have wanted her to be taken from her parents and that she shouldn't worry about that happening.

why do you need to speak to the ht?

sounds like the mum has told her daughter it was the ht who called ss, quite possibly this is not true

are you worried about your dd thinking the same might happen to her? or that she is worrying about her friend? can you just reassure her without speaking to school?

I'm not really sure what your question is, as you can't really explain it to your DD as you don't know what is going on.

You can tell her that the HT doesn't want SS to remove her friend from school. Maybe you could tell her that social workers try to help families, without specifically saying what their involvement with her friend's family is?

Why do you need to talk to anyone? Can't you just mind your own business? I don't think you need to go into much detail with your dd - you can say that neither of you has all the details.

and really the HT wont be able to clarify or even confirm anything about it for you. she cant discuss another child's personal/family circumstances with you.

Why tell the head anything? Kids tell lies and half truths all the time at school, some of which have come from their parents. Just tell your dd yhat you don't know what happened but its no-one elses business but the family concerned and forget about it, it doesn't affect you at all.

Just tell your dd that the head is not trying to get her friend out of the school.

Tell her that Social Workers are people that help families when they have problems.

The head is not going to discuss it with your dd or tell you about it.

OP - surely you just need to talk to your dd

I would say something like this;

explain that ss sometimes come to visit families that are having problems to help them. That yes sometimes HT calls them if there is a problem (you can think of a simple example like if the parents weren't giving the children any food, and say there are can be other problems that adults understand)

That IF ss have visited it was because they have come to help, and they (ss) would usually try and keep the children at school as that is better for everyone.
If the situation is really bad (like the parents still don't feed the kids after lots of help is given) then ss may have to find a new home so the kids are looked after.

Tell her that her friend probably doesn't understand it all because the adults don't always explain everything well, and because some of it will be private between ss and the mum.

tell her that it is not our business, that she can be a good friend to her friend who is going through a rough time, but no need to ask her lots of questions.

Not really sure why this is a problem in any other way. The ht couldn't tell you anything anyway, and you can reassure your dd that it only happens when there is a problem, and as your family doesn't have one you don't need help and so ht and ss aren't going to be coming here.

do you know any social workers you could point out to dd as examples of nice people?
In your shoes I'd talk to dd about "the rights of a child" (there is a brilliant picture book and I can't remember the author, but perfect for a 7 year-old.) and explain that grown-ups are worried about children not being safe they have to tell somebody who will try to help, and not take children away from their families if at all possible.
(I'd also talk about things you like about your dd's HT and why you chose the school you did to counter the negative impression the friend has given.
If this escalates there is no harm in asking the school for advice and some closer supervision of their conversations. They won't be able to give you details of the other girl's circumstances but I'm sure they'll understand your concerns about the influence this could have on your daughter. Good luck.

I agree that the head couldn't discuss anything about it with you, and I don't see why you'd need to tell the head that your DD has got this garbled story from her friend.

I also agree that you should tell your DD that the head would not try to get the children taken away from their parents, that social workers are people who help families and that her friend has misunderstood.

TBH I think I'd also try and steer your DD in the direction of other friendships as whatever her problems the 'friend' sounds like trouble.