Feeling awful, just totally lost is with 2 year old DS :-(

[CloudyAndSad]

I feel like I have just gone against everything I have ever believed as a parent. Over the last 2 months DS has got progressively worse at sleeping and going to bed. Each night seems to be a battle of wills for him to go to sleep with most nights taking a good hour or so, and then if he wakes in the night we go through the exact process again. He screams unless we either sit next to his cot or sleep on his floor. Last night took me an hour to get him down and then between DH and I we were up 2 hours in the night.
Tonight DS wanted me to lie on his floor, I was quite happy to sit by his door reading until he goes off, which is how we have been managing this but I can't lie on his floor, my back is killing, I'm heavily pregnant. He wouldn't lie down, he kept screaming at me and went on for an hour until I ended up shouting 'for fucks (at least I said the F word under my breath) sake lie down and go to sleep, now!' I then stormed out of his room shouting at DH he could deal with him as I had enough. Cue DS then really starting to scream. I never shout and I never ever swear, and certainly not at my child!!! I went straight into the kitchen and burst into tears whilst DH got DS to sleep relatively easily in 15 minutes!
I've never been like this with DS, never ever. We have totally embraced an AP approach to parenting and feel like I totally let him down this evening. Just sad really that I reached this point and don't really know why. and if I can't handle this now how I am going to cope in a few weeks when baby is born!?

Oh bless you have a and and let it go. Seriously we have all been there!!

Kids drive you to behave in ways you never thought you would, they drain you!! Honestly I was a brilliant mum before I had dd

You probably need to look at the bedtime routine maybe be a bit more firm with it, it sounds like your ds is testing the boundaries and seeing how far he can get you to do what he wants iyswim?!

I personally have not got the patience to sit on floors etc so have always had a routine, bath, milk, story, cuddle and then lights off.

Try not to feel too bad, sometimes being a mum is hard and we all say and do things we regret. The fact that you feel bad just shows how lovely and caring you are, bad mums wouldn't even know what they did was a bit mean! If you weren't pregnant, I'd suggest a big glass of wine and a foot rub from DH (heh, maybe just a small glass...). You can always apologise to him in the morning if you think you need to, we all makes mistakes and no parent can be perfect xxx

Go easy on yourself! Shouting at him when you're at the end of your tether is just totally natural - you're frustrated and very tired. I shouted at DS1 a lot when DS2 was a baby and I was very sleep-deprived, and any frustrations I had with him came out in shouting. :( However the best thing that anyone said to me was that DS1 was too young to remember me shouting at him! Which is so true, he doesn't remember it at all now, 3 years on. Forgive yourself and try to forget the shouting.

How old exactly is he? Closer to three or two? My ds was exactly the same, bedtimes used to be an absolute nightmare. This went on for a good year, starting with when he was almost three I suppose. He just would not get in bed, stay there, and go to sleep. He'd get up, come into the living room, or get up and play with his toys in his room or read a book. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, worked. He used to wake up ridiculously early too. What's important here is that you and dh work as a team. My partner at the time is now my ex and he had a truly massive problem with ds's behaviour and had unrealistic expectations of it. He thought I could wave a magic wand and make ds sleep in til 7.30. It was never going to happen. My ds just grew out of it, he's 4 and a half now and goes to bed like a star. He also will sleep til 8 at weekends which is just incredible when I consider he used to be up at 5 every morning. So unfortunately I have no advice for you to tackle it other than don't get to the stage of you and your dh taking it out on each other. Accept that 2 year olds can be willful (ha!) at the best of times and take one day at a time. Star charts worked briefly, as did filling a little bowl with 5 pasta pieces at bedtime. each time he was told off, one piece got removed. If he still had any pieces left when he went to sleep, he knew that meant a story in the morning. Worth a shot.

Thanks, he is not long turned 2 and this new behaviour seemed to come from nowhere. I am lucky with DH he is a fantastic father and we tend to work really well as a team just doesn't feel like we have any 'strategies' in place to deal with this at the moment and letting DS cry it out is just something I am not comfortable with. I like your ideas MNO44 but not sure they would work with DS just yet.

You have to come to terms with the reality that your son probably now realises that if he cries and screams long enough he will get what he wants.

Try and hear the difference between cries of genuine distress and cries of frustration that you are not pandering to his every whim.

If you don't allow any crying you are going to get tired, frustrated and burnt out.

Being firm with your son does not make you a bad mum!!

My DD2 is almost 2 and like this at the mo. She was a fantastic sleeper as a baby, but now cries at bed time because she just doesn't want to be left.

Luckily (???!) DD1 was a terrible sleeper so I can manage better now!

If I cave in and sit with DD2 while she goes to sleep, she WILL wake up and scream in the night - and then she WON'T go back to sleep unless you sleep by her cot. My solution is to keep popping in an out in the evening (pain in the arse, I know). If she still doesn't settle I will pick her up and cuddle her quietly, and then she will generally go back into the cot happily and fall asleep soon after.

However hard it is, try and get into good habits now (ie not staying with them on demand!) because it will pay off. But equally there is no need to let him get too upset - go in, reassure him, leave, repeat repeat repeat.

And don't be too hard on yourself! This too shall pass....

DD is nearly 3 and I have had many MANY problems with the bedtime routine/sleep over the last year - just over 2 was probably the worst time but it has been up and down.

And yes I have shouted on occasion - it is the worst time of day when you're both tired. Things seem to be improving now (fingers crossed) - one thing I have found to help is to completely change the routine. For example, I have made bath time earlier, got a lot firmer on not allowing any running around, straight into PJs and just 2 stories, lights off asap - whereas before I was a lot more easy going but I think DD responds a lot better to a stricter approach (this was obvious to everyone except me ) and obviously it is better to be very firm than to let things slide and end up yelling

In your case could it be time to try a big boy bed rather than cot? Or changing bedtime/ changing round the routine a bit so it doesn't take as long? Does he still nap in the day?

Thank you.
DS currently is in a cot bed so it is supposed to suit him till he is 5 but we still have the sides up at the moment.
The sleeps in the day thing is a hard one, we seem to be at a cross over point where he gets a bit too tired in the day to not have a nap but if he has a nap (seems to be sort of every other day at moment) it makes him a nightmare at bedtime.
I do think we could be more strict with bedtime routine. I do worry how we manage this when baby arrives as well. I just need to find the balance between not crying it out but also not pandering to every need.

If he has a nap in the day maybe limit it to half an hour max, also what time do you start bedtime? Maybe bring it forward a bit to allow for some settling down time.

The balance I found between not cio and not pandering was to have a clear routine and then leave but pop back every 10mins or so to reassure and reitterate that bedtime is for going to sleep!!

Don't be hard on yourself being a parent is the hardest job in the world!!

Yes we had this with the naps - if DD napped in the day it really affected what time she went to sleep (could be as late as 9.30pm etc), so I got really strict about her not having one - but this resulted in huge over-tired meltdowns at bedtime - such a nightmare!! It is really hard, don't beat yourself up for getting frustrated. I am pregnant too and I am worrying about bedtimes - even though DD is a lot better, she insists on it being me who "does" bedtime so I am worried about juggling that and a newborn (DH works away 3 nights a week as well). Oh well, I am sure we will get through it, and it will be worth it in the end (when they can entertain each other and not bother us )