How do you communicate and plan with your spouse?

[beautifulife]

Hi,

I've been married 15 years and since becoming parents, my wife and I still haven't worked out a way to work together effectively as a team on the many tasks that need to be done each week. With things being dropped all over the place, I'm noticing our conversations are more and more based around arguments about things not have not happened (usually as a result of my frustration coming through...)

I'd really love your advice on what works for you in terms of

A) Splitting up tasks and what routines you use to work together - for example, do you have a daily/weekly meeting?
and
B) What systems you use together to capture tasks and make sure they are done (do you have a big To Do list in the kitchen for example?)

Part of the problem is I have system that works for me but not for my OH, and my OH doesn't not have (or seems to want) a system for capturing tasks. I am a To Do list freak, my OH isn't.

Here's the issues I can see:

1. I like to capture everything we need to do
   My OH wants to remember it all in her head

2. I have a system that works for me (note book & online task app)
   My OH will often write stuff down on a loose piece of paper (easily lost) when we talk.

3. I'm the computer most of the day (so can keep a To Do list up)
   My OH rarely checks email or gets on the Internet, so online tools/app don't seem to be the right route.

4. I use an online calendar
   My OH uses a family calender in the kitchen (which I write on if there is something which affects family time)

What has happened in the past is I've been blamed of trying to micro-manage, but that was as a result of really important things falling down the cracks. I often then take on what needs to be done, when I should be earning income for the family. I am now overloaded.

I've also encouraged my OH for years to find a system that works for her (which maybe I can integrate with), but she never seems motivated to do it. I've got "busy Mom" books out of the library, but remain unopened. I realise that no matter what I tried to do to help, anything that comes from me (as opposed to someone outside the family), falls on deaf ears. When I ask her what would work for her, she says "I don't know". I know I am at fault too, but really don't know what to do...

I love her dearly, and don't want our relationship to suffer any more because of this. Any advice would be really appreciated.

Can you give us examples of the tasks you're referring to?

Does your wife have an iPhone?

We use iPhone and gmail calendar (on iPhone), reminders, google drive for shared docs eg spreadsheets.

I am a list freak too but like to make paper lists and tick them off.

Also is your wife a SAHM? And why have things fallen through the cracks before - was it v clear to both of you that she should have been doing them?

We each have things we are responsible for but if the other is extra busy sometimes we will pick up the slack. This includes everything from putting bins out to the car MOT, finances to making sure the DC get to the right clubs on time. Most of it falls to me as I work P/T and DH works long hours but we're clear on our jobs so that things don't get missed.
In our general conversation every day we try and keep on top of things which works most of the time and we try to co-ordinate diaries.
Hope you work things out with your OH and you find a way to communicate more effectively.

DH is SAHD.
We use a family calendar in the kitchen (if I am working late etc that goes on there, as well as any appointments)
Daily, we have a routine rather than a plan. DH clears the kitchen and puts on a wash while I put the kids to bed. At weekends I tend do do a full clean.
The car MOTs etc are a bit haphazard but we both take care of them. We both shop but meal plan together before shopping.

Gosh, I can tell from your post that you are a list maniac. I can imagine that if your OH isn't it must be frustrating for you and irritating for her!

We just tend to talk. And say things like " the MOT is due, can you sort it". Also we have defined roles - I do all finances, grocery shopping, meal planning, DH does car things, we buy our own family's cards and presents.

Thanks for your advice everyone. To confirm - it's all the adhock jobs I am talking about, not the routine things which we do get done between us.

ivan - yes I am a list freak and it does drive my OH nuts (I know I am the other extreme!) She has an iTouch, and I encouraged her to try some apps, but it's just not for her. It's frustrating as I know how brilliant these apps are.

My wife is a SAHM (10 years now). The reason things fall through the cracks is we don't have a system for a shared task list. I have a book I write everything is, but my wife doesn't even have a diary... Just the kitchen calendar (which has no spaces for tasks/deadlines). Is that unusual?

Bananapickle - sounds like you have very good communication. How do you both remember the tasks that you are passing to each other?

I think we need is something central in the house which we can write a shared task list on showing clearly who has agreed to do what, and with deadlines if it is urgent? Not sure what this might look like? Does anyone use anything like this?

Thanks again

No wonder she gets irritated, it sounds like being at work with task lists, deadlines and who's agreed to do what. (Do you make her sign it?) You could have just done the task by the time you've done all that.

What kind of tasks are you talking about that get missed?

We have a white board in the kitchen (about 40 inches by 30 so quite big) and every weekend I write the week ahead up with a list of what is happening/needed each day with an initial if it is for someone in particular. Down the right are all the jobs which need doing that week or in future weeks by DH or me with an initial of who will do them.

I update the board as extra info comes in all week. I have a monthly calendar for future events and an iphone calendar too- I do a quick cross check each weekend.

Every morning DH checks with me what is happening that day and what he needs to remember himself and remind the DCs of.

This works for us pretty well. DH couldn't be bothered doing the weekly board I suspect but he likes that it is done. We are a busy family so need to be very organised.

I think whoever is most bothered needs to do the list- it only takes me about 15 mins at the weekend to write it all out. It is no great chore, I ask everyone to tell me about things (birthday present for X needed by Wed, MOT for car, dentist, cupcakes for school), I check the calendar plus add in the usual stuff (PE kits, orchestra) and it all goes on the list. We discuss practicalities of how things will be organised too.

Would something like this help you and DW?

I think Astella's white board list sounds good. I wouldn't use an app either, but I do use my iCal.

However I would try to use the kitchen family calendar. That was you're not asking her to look at anything extra and she's in the habit of looking at it anyway. Don't create more work or over complicate things.

Then you can just put the task, deadline date and initials of person doing it In the box for the day it should be done or well in advance e.g. BL: Present for Sarah - post by 02.03

Or attach a piece of paper to the calendar for a "things to do this week" list.

How bad is the problem, really? What important things have been missed, if any? Don't sweat the small stuff!

What sort of important tasks are you thinking about? Do you really need to get frustrated if things get missed? Or are you more frustrated at the fact of the thing being missed than the actual consequences? Or is the problem that she thinks she can remember everything but can't?

I am a lists person, but luckily so is my DH, and we share stuff online. But, that's obviously not going to work for your OH - after 15 years you're not likely to be able to change the way she works. I think the idea of a to-do list with your calendar is a good one, so all the 'family organisation' is in one place, but be careful not to make it too much your design. A plan piece of paper would probably suit her better than a nicely drawn out table with slots for deadlines and urgency levels :)

I think you have to play to your OH's strengths. For example, I know that DH doesn't remember stuff to do very well if we are just chatting, so I try only to tell him stuff that needs doing immediately. Anything that needs doing another day, I mention and then put in our calendar. So if your OH checks the calendar regularly, put as much as you can in there, even if it's not stuff that strictly 'should' be in a calendar.

A: dp does finance and technology stuff (and goes to work) and I do everything else (am sahm but only one child so far)
B: we have no system apart from a shared calendar for writing in evenings out etc to make sure there are no clashes. But we've never forgotten anything really important. We just talk about stuff like car mot, insurance renewals etc, luckily neither of us are really list makers. Though I do use a diary for things I need to remember myself.

Your OH is clearly not a "list" person, so whatever you do, it has to be simple. I'd second the idea of a white board (or blackboard) on a handy kitchen wall, as near the calendar as you can manage (move the calendar if you have to). Then just a line down the middle and you have half each to put tasks on. Cross through when done. Clear as often as required and rewrite the remaining items at the top.

We work by just chatting when I come in from work, but tbh DH does most of what comes up ad hoc because he works from home, and is also far more organised than I am.

But when he gets all "line manager" about things, we argue - you need to avoid sounding like she is your employee to give instructions to. It doesn't go down well!

From your posts - obviously this might not be the case, but only picking up on what I'm reading - it sounds as if you are an over anxious supervisor trying to micromanage a work experience youngster
What exactly are all these "tasks" you speak of ?
I like lists - like your OH, on a piece of paper that catch my eye when I put the kettle on or whatever, and then I can tick off when complete. Iw ould not like to "have a daily meeting" to tell me how to run my life

I think you need to tread very carefully. Your list keeping seems to border on obsessive and is not the norm. I like lists but the level you're describing would drive me bonkers!

I think the whiteboard is a great idea, IF your OH things so too. Otherwise you may need to do the listing in private and then just generally chat about things during dinner etc. Most people just poddle through and forget the odd thing, doesn't mean that's a bad way to live.

I know you're trying to find a way that works, but I really think you should honestly consider and admit to yourself that your need to list and plan is just as much a issue as your OH forgetting the odd thing. I mean that kindly, something to think about.

Thank you everyone for your honest advice. Just talking about it has helped gain some perspective. Yes, I am pretty list-mad, but I think it is a result of over-complicating our lives. I won't bore you with all the details!

I'm going to discuss trying something non-techy and in the kitchen - Astelia's white board sounds great. I like the idea of attaching a list to the calendar Ivan as well.

You can get the white boards at big office supplies shops. Get plenty of whiteboard pens in too, I like the bigger ones not the thin ones as they run out quickly. Good luck with it all!

Compromise, both of you. And try to respect each other way of organising the tasks. Do not push office like environment at home, just relax and do a little changes every week.

Dont think we have ever had a meeting about tasks, that would horrify me tbh. DH does all the washing, I do all the cooking, the rest we do between us with no particular system. DH writes himself a list of things he is going to do, but he knows better than to try to make me do the same and he would never write a list of jobs for me to do. He accepts that I get through jobs in a more haphazard way than him, but they all get done in the end. He likes a routine, I hate a routine, we both accept each other's way of doing things. Perhaps understanding that we all do things differently and if your DW feels pressured into doing things your way, she may not want to do anything at all, will help things get a little easier - compromise is the key.

I am amazed that everyone is being so polite. Seriously ....... you got her a book from the library ? To retain my dignity I will not tell you what I would have done with that book. Maybe you should forget about apps and spreadsheets and don't present her with a white board. You haven't actually said what is being missed - so is it important to you, but maybe not to her.

I do sympathise with the OP because busy families need to be organised. Money for school trips, signed forms, finances, food etc do not happen by accident. It is not fair on DCs to run a sloppy home.

I hope the OP's DW isn't like Ria in the tv series Butterflies; dissatisfied and disorganised, she is looking for something more important in her life than cooking and shopping.

My brother and his family have a split white board and cork board - perfect for lists and all those important bits of paper.
I plan to do the same at some point, if we ever get our own house...

We tend not to do lists,although I sometimes write myself a list of things I want to get done that day, We talk to each other and as I work shifts I do usually put my rota on the calendar in the kitchen and we also write appointments on there. I would never write a list of tasks and expect my DH to do them and he wouldn't write one for me. We basically just talk to each other and do stuff as we go along.