Wilful 2.5 year old ds

[jenbird]

My ds2 is 2 yrs and 7 months. We also have an 11 week old dd2. My Ds has always been a little bit stubborn but he is currently driving me crazy. He has turned from a sweet little boy to an aggressive and obstinate one. I do adore him but he is turning everything into a battle right now. From the moment we get up I feel I am constantly trying to divert situations which will escalate to a full blown tantrum. For instance, every morning we start by getting dressed. He will refuse to put on anything I get out and instead prefers a random array of items. I have stopped putting things out now but he will still find something to make an issue of I.e not wearing a jumper or wanting to put shorts on. When we get down stairs he wants certain bowls, spoons, cups etc. If I say no and just ignore it (which I do) he is rude to me - calls me silly lady and has started making a horrible spitting type noise (like a raspberry). I don't shout at him but am telling him I don't like it when he speaks to me that way and it makes me sad. Often he will just smile at me in a manner that tells me he knows exactly what he is doing.
I feel so sad because this often goes on all day for even the slightest tasks and it is really wearing me down. My dd2 is quite a high maintenance baby who only naps for half an hour at a time 3 times per day and doesn't really like to be put down for long. I know that all my Ds wants is my attention and I am trying to make sure I give him one on one time and I am trying to respond to him positively but when he constantly throws it back in my face I am becoming less motivated to do it. I find myself looking forward to him going to nursery (not until September) and that makes me feel guilty and a crap parent.
I also have two older dc's (5 and 7) so life is pretty chaotic.
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with my son? When he is not like this he really is the most gorgeous boy and I want that one to be around more...

ok

his world has been turned upside down with the arrival of the baby, and I'll bet he seems ENORMOUS as well

first of all why are you set against him chosing what to wear? don't want him wearing shorts - shove them on the top of your wardrobe til spring, let him select his clothing

why not let him chose which bowl/cup/spoon? put them in a low cupboard, he can get them out himself; the novelty of pulling them all out (and it WILL happen, groan) will soon pass

and as you've found, any attention is better for him than none, or little; clever little blighter has found which buttons to press for max payout from you - you spend ages explaining stuff to him, he's not listening but is delighted to have your full attention. so, ignore what you can, facilitate a yes you can atmosphere (saying NO all the time can be really draining)

another thought - shake it up a bit, breakfast first, get dressed after?

third children are notoriously BONKERS

I agree - let him choose what to wear and what to eat from. What does it matter if he puts on a random selection of things? My 3yo is currently wearing red striped skirt with fuschia tights, an orange coat and about four tops (because she likes them all and wants to wear them all at once). He'll soon learn that if he doesn't wear enough then he'll get cold. Put summer stuff out of reach so he doesn't end up in shorts and let him get on with it. I'd pick your battles.

I wouldn't tell him that things make you 'sad', either. Two year olds have no empathy and can't be expected to modify their behaviour based on how it affects you. If he's rude to you, get cross (I would not tolerate one of my children telling me I was silly). If he blows raspberries and you want him to stop, give him a couple of warnings then take a toy away.

Also bear in mind that two year olds often misbehave because they're short of physical contact, particularly when a new baby comes along. Do you play wrestling games and that sort of thing the way you used to, or cuddle up on the sofa?