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Parenting

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Original poster

Does your DH/DP tend to your DCs during the night?

46 replies

MolotovCocktail · 11/02/2013 20:05

I'm posting here as I think the root of my question relates to how two people co-operate as parents.

We have 2 DDs: DD1 is 4yo and DD2 is 10mo. DH works full time and I'm predominantly a SAHM.

Now, I am more than happy to get up to the girls in the night should they wake. DH, however, is reluctant to have me do this because he feels that, as I look after them for most of/all of the day, I need to be fully re-charged to do this adequately. Therefore, he gets up to them most of the time. This really is at his insistence. DH wakes more easily than me and says that he doesn't see the point of then waking me for me to tend to them. I can get migraines if I don't sleep properly, so I think this might be a driving force for him, too.

I have friends who are either SAHM's or who work part-time with children of similar ages and their DP/DHs
have a very different opinion: they think that, because the women are at home, that they should do most/all night duties. They don't see that being a SAHM is a job in itself. One friends DH refused to help her in the night because as she woke to BF anyway, he didn't see
the point of getting up at all (even to get the baby from the other room, or to see if she needed anything from downstairs).

So, I'm curious as to how other's DPs/DHs perceive their 'role' when the woman is fully or mostly a SAHM. Is my DH in the minority?

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Fuzzymum1 · 11/02/2013 22:16

I'm a SAHM though all of my children are of school age or older now.

DH wakes more easily and when DS3 wakes in the night (not often as he's 6) he tends to be the one to get up with him. I did all the night feeds when he was a baby as I was BFing and he doesn't mind getting up to him now.

TheSkiingGardener · 11/02/2013 22:21

We take turns. One night on, one night off. This in theory means we each are guaranteed a good proper sleep every other night and seems to keep us both freshest.

Original poster

MolotovCocktail · 12/02/2013 10:18

Thanks for all of your replies. My DH is lovely; I know I'm very lucky to have him :) I often wonder what I ever did to be lucky enough for him to want to be with me!

I laughed put loud at 'Keep the bastard'! Wait 'til I tell him that Thanks again.

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mummy2benji · 14/02/2013 08:33

I do all the getting up. I last had a decent night's sleep when ds slept through the night on one occasion about nine months ago. He is 4yo and not a great sleeper, and although he has improved we now have 3mo dd to reintroduce the broken nights! Dh will get up with ds weekend mornings, and although he occasionally gets up with him at night to take him to the loo or reassure him that a dream wasn't real, 99% of the time I get up with both ds and baby as dh is a surgeon - hands up if you want a sleep-deprived surgeon doing your knee replacement this morning?! Dh also sleeps through a lot of ds / dd sounds. The long-term sleep deprivation does kill me slightly. Hoping it'll get better!

oohlaalaa · 14/02/2013 11:17

Occasionally he'll change a nappy, and then pass DD to me for a feed, but that's it. He works very long hours, and is up at 6am.

HecateWhoopass · 14/02/2013 11:24

Our rule (unspoken) is that whoever gives up the pretence of being asleep first, has to get out and go and see to the kids

But we're like that in everything. Whoever feels like doing it (or doesn't feel as strongly about NOT doing it as the other person!) - does it. We don't really have many set jobs. Certainly none set by the other person. I do the ironing cos I like to sit and watch tv in the bedroom and crack on with it. He does the dishes because, well, I hate them and we just between us get everything done. If I was to sit down and write a list of who does what, it would probably work out that he does more than me.

keely79 · 14/02/2013 11:24

We share - one person takes the possible night shift (my son sleeps through about 5 nights out of 7 of the time and my daughter very, very occasionally wakes) and the other takes the early morning rise. Then we flip it next time.

weegiemum · 14/02/2013 11:24

My children are now 9,11,13 and the 9yo still wakes sometimes - and she always goes to daddy.

after all 3 dc i had pretty severe pnd and was on medication which made me sleepy. our night routine was when baby cried, dh would wake me (i wouldnt wake naturally) then go and get hungry baby. he would then sit with me while i bf in case i nodded off, then do any c hangibg that needed done. about one night in 5 he would feed the baby too, with expressed milk, so i didnt need to get up at all.

talking to other people i knew, i knoww he was in the minority. he was also working full time as a GP. we used to just have evry early nights and he would lie in at the weekend to recharge.

I know i have a total gem of a dh. This just solidified those thoughts!

BabyRoger · 14/02/2013 11:25

About 50/50 here. I am on maternity leave but DH still does his share of night wakenings.

Emandlu · 14/02/2013 11:28

My DH was just like yours when the kids were little Molotov

I do think we are in the minority though.

also feels very grateful to have married a lovely man

Daddelion · 14/02/2013 11:33

Isn't it what works for you?

I used to do 99% of the night duties as I need less sleep, and didn't mind doing it.

matana · 14/02/2013 11:43

I BFed so was the only one with the right equipment to see to our DS when he was a baby. DH offered to feed DS expressed milk, but when this happened i leaked and it also interferes with supply so it was far easier for me to get up. DH regularly gave me a rest whenever he could though by taking DS out for a walk while i caught up on some sleep or whatever.

Your DH sounds lovely and clearly isn't at all bothered by the situation, so it clearly works for you. If he was unahppy i might have suggested you do the getting up during the week and your DH does it a weekends to give you a break.

DH and I both work FT and DS is now 2.2yo. When he wakes due to illness or bad dreams it's invariably me who gets up as DH just doesn't hear him, although if he knows DS is going through a bad patch and is likely to wake he tells me to nudge him awake and he'll take turns.

Tinkerisdead · 14/02/2013 11:43

My DH doesn't really hear my two dc's. Once they were born I developed radar hearing that can detect every murmur in the night. So it's always me that gets up.

Having said that, dd1 who is 4 will often wake up crying "i just want to cuddle mummy" and will play on it to get into my bed or avoid going back to her own room. Dh will readily get up then pretending i'm asleep etc. we do also seem to have a child each at night. So dd1 will be the one crying for me or having hysterics if I'm not there to calm her down etc whereas dd2 (1yr) just has general whinges like a bum change or teething so he tends to deal with her more.

Tolly81 · 14/02/2013 14:38

I do it. Was ok while on mat leave as he'd get up with her on the weekends while I had another coupe of hours (I'm reluctant to call 8:30 a lie-in) but now I'm back at work in a high stress, high stakes job so it's not great. But he never hears her in the night, and she won't settle for him really so I just have to listen to her crying. Also I do manage better on less sleep but would love a proper night's sleep once in a while! Still, he'll have to manage this weekend as I'm doing my first set of night shifts since going back to work!

rrreow · 14/02/2013 16:29

DH and I have an agreement that I do the night wakings, and he gets up in the morning with DS and takes him to nursery, so I get a bit of a lie in. DH and I both work though so slightly different situation.

This works out because he absolutely hates being woken up at night (triggers stuff from a traumatic past) and I am not a morning person, but don't mind getting up at night (although it's more challenging now that I'm pregnant with DS2).

It'll probably shift a bit once DS2 is born. When DS1 was a newborn DH was actually quite good at getting up in the night and supporting me. I think he was able to put his own needs aside for such a small helpless and needy baby!

Karoleann · 14/02/2013 21:25

When I have a new baby dh gets up for the older children if I'm still feeding in the night. Now they're older, we just have a lie in each at the weekend, he has a lie in sat, me Sunday......although we're still usually up by 9!

IsThatTrue · 14/02/2013 21:29

Whoever Wales up deals with the big kids. I deal with the baby as am bfing and there's nothing he can do so he may as well sleep!

Yama · 14/02/2013 21:35

It's about a 90/10 split here with dh doing the 90%. He hears them first. He has never complained about it or I'd up my %.

Mind you, I did do the majority of the breastfeeding.

Meglet · 14/02/2013 21:39

XP refused to ever get up in the night with either DC (22 months apart). Regardless of me also being at work PT, at weekends or post my c-sections.

Which is why he is an ex!

beanandspud · 14/02/2013 22:15

We both work f/t and I am the one that gets up in the night if DS wakes which generally isn't that often if I'm honest.

However, at weekends DH gets up with DS to watch sport (I'm not a morning person and he is) and I get a lie-in on a Saturday and Sunday.

So actually I get quite a good deal, frequent lie-ins and the occasional night waking. It works for us .

VincenzaOfSaragossa · 14/02/2013 22:16

My DH did nights when they were little, on the grounds that I needed my sleep so I could look after them properly during the day. He still does nights if they are ill, as I am phobic about vomit...

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