Talking to Strangers (a bit long and rambly ... sorry)

[GeorginaA]

Feeling a bit depressed about the state of the world and secretly hoping for some positive vibes

Had a conversation with someone today and I was saying how much ds (2.5) is thrilled when someone replies to him with a cheery "hello" (he is going through the stage now of waving to the bin men, saying hello to people he meets in Tescos, etc). Worcestershire bin men seem to be great and make a point to wave and smile at him and it really makes his day.

Anyway, this person mentioned that the reason she didn't talk back to small children was that she felt it encouraged them to talk to strangers which did two things:

a) made me wonder whether that made me a bad parent for not trying to discourage ds' friendliness.

b) made me feel that the world totally sucks.

Some random thoughts: I really like that ds is friendly and gets some responses. It has seemed to make great inroads into building up his confidence over the last few months.

I also casually wondered to myself whether the increasing perception of society that young people are rude and uncommunicative is partially due to our fears and the discouragement to talk to strangers politely. When you hear that more kids died last year from suicide after bullying rather than abductions, and that most sexual abuse is from a family member, then it does make you wonder a bit.

Surely, there's a middle ground where you can teach children to be polite but not accept things/go with them/etc?

Sometimes, I really dislike the world ds is growing up in

These people sound like nutters! And what on earth do they think they are doing to their poor children. I'm sure this sort of thing has the potential to cause long term harm.

I just want to repeat that I'm so relieved by all your responses. I'd really started to think that I was nuts "encouraging" my child in this way!!

I know I'm not a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination, but the thought I might be putting ds at terrible risk by getting him "used" to talking to strangers was really upsetting (blame pregnant mother syndrome again, if you like - I'm sure the hormones didn't help!) - I was almost in tears after the original exchange.

Agree with everyone that being friendly is a good thing. But an interesting (scary) fact I learnt from someone who works with offenders is that paedophiles don't just ask kids to come and see the puppies ? they are more likely to ask if the child could help them look for a lost puppy, appealing to the child's wish to be helpful and empathy for the lost animal. It makes them seem less threatening to the child and, apparently, children may not realise that 'help me look for my lost puppy' is the same as 'would you like to see my puppies', IFSWIM.

I'm not arguing against being friendly, BTW, just that when we talk about stranger danger we should be aware that dangerous people may use more complex approaches than we usually imagine.

No Georgina, sounds like you have the balance exactly right to me. You keep encouraging your sons friendliness!

eddm, yes, I've heard that too. I've told my son never to say yes to a request for help from a strange adult. He must tell the adult to ask another adult for help, not him because he is only a child. And even if a familiar adult asks him for help, I've told him to be think carefully before saying 'yes'. If adults are around, why aren't they being asked first?

GeorginaA, I agree with you, but I think that with your attitude, you must be setting your ds a good example anyway. We are often asked for directions as we walk around town, and I talk to ds about how I respond, eg it is nice to help other people and Mummy likes to, but, we never tell strangers where we live, we never stand too close to their car (just in case, because we don't know them), and if it is after dark and the car is full of men we may pretend not to hear and carry on walking quickly. Part of keeping myself safe where we live involves ignoring strange men using lines like, "Have you got the time?" and I also want ds to know that he has a choice not to respond to strangers who seem dodgy. At the other extreme, I often make friends with other mothers when we go to children's activities around town, so ds is quite friendly in that sort of situation. Again, though, we don't give our address and personal information out even to nice strangers straight away; I may just exchange email address with the mother.

Good points, outofpractise. I think they're generally things I do without thinking but I will make a point of mentioning to ds the reasons why after the event in future.

I agree with KMG and others that confidence in speaking with strangers is a building block of self-esteem and therefore the ability to judge situations and learn to say a firm 'no'if need be. My DS (2.5)is an absolute chatterbox, and I feel quite offended on his behalf when people don't say 'hello' back, and his little face puzzles up. Children are people, and it's downright RUDE to ignore a pleasant well meant 'hello'!

outofpractice,
good points about the address, i'd never thought of telling my son about not saying his address. I have in fact just spent ages teaching him our address in case he ever gets lost.

Can anyone tell me what i should do now ???

Blu for ds sounds like my dd. She says hello to everyone and if they don't reply she asks me why or says that lady/man didn't say hello to be in a really confused tone. I just say perhaps they didn't hear you. I agree with you, some adults can be quite rude where little children are involved. It doesn't take much to say hello back.

No expert, but I have told ds that if he gets lost he should tell the person behind the counter in a shop or a police officer wearing a blue uniform, so I hope that he would tell them his address, but not other strangers. I am quite rude myself when people are unfriendly and ignore ds, eg on aeroplanes or the Tube. I say loudly, "Look at that man's face; he does not want to be friendly," and then because he has been ignoring us anyway, the rude man has to carry on!

I've had similar thoughts Georgina. But TBH I think a smile or wave from a toddler can make someone's day and brighten up the world that little bit. And your stats on bullying/suicide definitely makes me think about people's concerns/priorities.

Thought all the posts about negative experiences were sad - especially Slinky's. The adults must have been particularly unperceptive to not register that the little boy knew you. I remember meeting DS's nursery friend in the local Co-op with a lady I didn't know (not his mum). Of course, I greeted the little boy and DS and friend were made up at the novelty of meeting in this unlikely venue. The lady said "do you two know each other then" and we struck up conversation but she could have easily dragged him away.

outofpractice, you post made me think. I can totally understand why you would not want to give out your address or personal details even to nice friendly strangers when you first meet them. I do not like giving out my address too readily either. But I am quite happy to give out my phone number to parents we meet in the park for instance, if I feel OK about them, but perhaps other people would not do this?

There's a recent thread on here about a mother who says she's saddened that no one phones her up after she swaps phone numbers with mothers she meets. (sorry can't remember the title or name) It's an interesting parallel. Is there a risk in giving out your phone number? do people aviod doing this? or is it just your address that you keep to yourself?

Tigermoth, Don't know about others, but I feel that my home phone number and office direct line are very private. Both are exdirectory and I only give them to good friends. Actually, only immediate family know the office direct line. If I call a client from home, I always do 141. Ds quite often answers the phone at home and I would be very upset if he had a nasty experience. On the other hand, my email address is for business and is easily accessible to anyone who knows my name, so I do not feel that it is private. Similarly, my mobile phone number is often given out to clients, and could easily be changed, so I feel comfortable about giving my mobile phone number out. I am extra careful about privacy and safety because we don't have a man living in our house these days.