not coping very well

[BrainGoneAwol]

So I'm just posting this because it might be cathartic. I'm not expecting any answers, as I don't think there are any. I'm not sure this is the right forum. I couldn't see a better one.

My partner is prone to depression and finding being at work really hard while I have ds (6 months, pfb) all to myself at home. We have always chatted quite often during the day via text or email - nothing long, just the odd 'how's it going?' - but increasingly dp is replying with things like 'miss him' and how boring work is. Work by the way was enjoyable previously albeit with the odd dull moment (which I think is better than many people get).
I have a similar job I will be going back to after maternity.

Recently we have been arguing over ds' bedtime. I think it is fine (8pm, asleep by 9-9.30) but dp wants it earlier. This means dp will see even less of ds and that I will have to do it alone. Dp says it is because ds is overtired by 8 (I don't agree) and also I think so that we get some time together with ds in bed. Dp gets upset that only my 'instincts' seem to count. Dp is also (fairly) feeling neglected as all my focus is on ds. Recently I tried to explain that I am finding physical contact hard (dp has been being a little insistent like demanding a kiss when I am focussed on ds) as I'm getting a lot of it from ds. Dp's response was to back off so far that even 'xxx' stopped being added to texts. I've had to apologise for not explaining myself properly before dp will start behaving normally again.

In usual circumstances I am the optimist and try to encourage and support when dp is down. Ds is ebf, won't take a bottle and is not a great sleeper. At best I was up 2 times a night, currently he is teething so it's 4-5 and I'm getting less than 5 hours sleep. (This is also why I don't want to mess with bedtime right now).

I am so tired. I keep crying and can't cope with dp not supporting me. Ds is wonderful and an absolute joy, but I would give almost anything for a break. Dp just doesn't comprehend how the low mood is affecting me (literally doesn't see why it bothers me). I am terrified that I'm going to collapse in a heap but I have to somehow keep going. I can't discuss it with dp because the conversation always ends up with me placating and reassuring dp.

Thanks for reading all this. I just wanted to get it out there.

Haven't really got any answers but wanted to offer my sympathy, my DS can be prone to depression too and it can be hard, especially when you are sleep deprived.

If your DP won't sort himself out, and I know from experience that you can't make them, you need to get yourself into a better place.

Do you have family nearby? Could someone have DS just for an hour once or twice a week? Could you nap when he does? If he won't take a bottle could you leave him with some solids and a cup of milk? Have you read this on alternative feeding methods? If you search the Mn archives there are lots of threads on bottle refusal.

Are you also getting out with Ds in the day? You seem a little reliant an these little texts from DP, does that mean you don't have much other daytime company?

Things that can often help when you are both down are eating well and exercise. At least you can do this for yourself .

If you are crying have you thought of going to the GP? Have a read of this and see if any of it sounds familiar. If you are feeling down it might be worth asking for CBT. There are also some ads that you can take whilst bfing.

Can't really help much with arguing over bedtime but if you want advice in sleep, post your typical day and we'll see if we can tweak it for you .

You might also like these two books:

What Mothers Do and

Sound Sleep

These 2 links might be helpful too:

APNI and

ISIS infant sleep information source

Thanks for reading through my incredibly long post! I haven't yet looked at the links but I will do in a mo.

Unfortunately family are several counties away so there isn't anyone who can look after DS for me. He isn't yet on solids - only just hitting 6 months so we are starting on them this weekend, but we are doing blw so I'm not expecting this to have a huge effect on bf for a while (though you never know).

I meet other local mums 3-4 times a week for some sort of baby activity and if that isn't happening I try to get out of the house at least for the supermarket or a walk unless it's chucking it down with rain. You are right though about exercise and eating well and I do need to make sure I don't get lazy about having walks if I'm not out for another reason.

The texts are difficult. For example this morning I got one saying 'Journey was a nightmare. Late. Enjoy your songs' (meaning the activity I was taking ds to this morning). I received it afterwards so replied with 'Poor you. Just finished. xx was all bouncy :)' I get the response 'Glad he liked it. Wish I could come :('.
It's this constant reference to how hard DP finds not being with DS and I feel I have to constantly be positive or get dragged down myself, which is exhausting. It's also the last thing I hear as DP goes to work and the last thing at night before I then have to get up multiple times while DP sleeps.

I do wonder if I should see a GP. As I've said above, I am emotionally exhausted and DP isn't able to pick me up if I collapse.

You asked about my day. It varies but roughly goes like this:

7-7.30 DS wakes. DP will bring him to our bed (DP gets up at 7.30), where I feed him. DP will bring breakfast downstairs and we'll have some time with DS. If it has been a bad night I'll encourage DS to get some more sleep and I might get another 30 mins.
8.30 I get up and play with DS or do some jobs like washing nappies.
9-10.00 DS is often hungry again (depending on when the last night feed was) so he feeds and naps.
I then spend the rest of the day doing a mix of the following: out meeting people, going to an activity with DS, having a walk, supermarket shopping (often incorporated in the walk), playing with DS, doing jobs at home. DS feeds roughly every 3 hours and has 2-3 naps of 20-60 mins either in his bed, buggy, car or on me depending on where we are (eg shortest are in cafes, longest are on me on the sofa or in his bed)
6.30-7 DP comes home. This varies depending on how busy things are and whether there is an office do or seminar or networking event or similar - it can be 9 or later on the odd occasion.
7.30 supper
8.00 DS bedtime starts. Earlier if it's a bath night (DP does this to have time with DS). I'll feed DS and DP will read aloud the book we are reading together at the moment (or we talk and argue more recently..)
9.30-10 DP goes to our bedroom and I put DS in his bed.
From then on I usually have to get up at 2-3 hour intervals with DS until morning.

Thanks

Oh to add. DP said last night that we should have taught DS to self settle at 2 weeks and he's now in a bad habit for needing me to settle him during the night and feed him to sleep. We (ie me) have basically caused his bad sleeping.

I have kept a sleep log since week 1 (so I didn't need to remember when I'd changed him last in my comatosed state!) and back then he slept anything from 45 mins to 3 hours straight. I feel like I have done what I needed to try to stay sane. DS won't settle for DP without lots of crying and rocking and on the rare ocassion DP tries to settle him, it usually ends with DS bing given back to me because "nothing works".

this constant reference to how hard DP finds not being with DS

Er, actually, he misses what he thinks is a warm snuggly infant, not the reality of a hungry, red-faced squalling pfb who needs feeding, winding and changing at unsocial hours and during the daytime!

DP has the strain of work, I am not saying he is on holiday, but with that he gets a salary, respect, daily interaction with other adults and the occasional evening out or work jolly. Fwiw, even if he were living on his own, he'd have to carry out certain domestic chores, shopping/cooking/laundry. So the fact that he goes out to work whilst you are 'at home' with your DS to care for, doesn't mean he should expect every last thing to be done by you.

Does your head in, competitive tiredness. I do think that as of a Friday night you are not being unreasonable to expect a helping hand during the night and at least one lie in on Sat or Sun. Self settling at 2 weeks, yes that would be super wouldn't it

I hope that in spite of family being far away, you do get the chance to have a break. Time together as a couple is important, top tip for DP: it puts you in a better state to be able to switch off and relax if you feel supported, not undermined. Hard to feel remotely sexy or in the mood when you've collapsed in a tired heap, one ear open for any crying.

Friends with babies, NCT group, anyone you can arrange babysitting swaps?

Out of interest, do you think when you return to work DP will decide to cut his hours, even become a full-time SAHD? By then of course DS won't be a little baby any more and aside from periods when DS is teething, DP will probably find night times a walk in the park compared to what you've been experiencing in the first 6 months. Good parenting involves having a go, pitching in, not handing back baby when he doesn't settle straight off.

have you considered both working part time?

Blaming you for all problems isn't helpful. Try some a/d's and try to get some sleep.

Being sahp with a baby is really hard. When dd was about 3mths, dp went to work leaving me bf on sofa. When he came home 9 hours later, NOTHING had changed except I was crying. Every time I put her down she screamed, so food, lav, etc were done with dd on tit. It was horrendous.

Try getting her on something other than bf - bottle, food, anything to give you a break.

Do anything that makes you feel a bit better, nothing that makes you feel worse.

It's hard, but it will get easier.

Thanks Donkeys and Julia. To be fair, DP does do lots of chores at the weekend. I do the ones needed during the week - washing and food shopping, but the shopping is often as a way of getting out of the house - and a lot gets left to the weekend. DP is great in many, many ways, it is the negativity I can't cope with in top of my own tiredness.

You are so right though about not understanding how hard it is and having a rose tinted view of being a SAHP... and the competitive tiredness. Gah. I am hoping that when DS reduces his night feeds, DP will be able to help as it's the lack of sleep that's the real killer for me.

The plan is that we both go PT in a year or so when DP's career is in a place that can deal with that.

It will pass. I need to hold on to that

Well I'm glad DP does pull his weight and you're not attempting to shoulder everything.

If he is prone to depression any problems do seem magnified. Is he taking anything for it?

Tiredness is a killer, as you say things do get better.

Maybe it's like a Government and its Opposition. The ones in power feel they aren't appreciated for the good job they do and those on the sideline are sure they could do much better! Babies don't come with a manual or off-switch do they. The good thing is if you and DP work as a team and be kind to each other, it can improve. Intimacy might not mean ripping clothes off and prolonged bliss it might mean softness, gentleness and shall we say a quick snack rather than a 5 course meal.

Does he meet all the criteria for weaning? If so I would start DS off with breakfast, but let DP do it and take the opportunity to have a lie in. Breakfast can then become their time together.

I'd also change things around a bit in the evening too, especially as DP wants an earlier bedtime. How about having your supper with DS at around 5 then DP can start on bath and bed at 7. My DH has irregular times too and it suits us much better if I eat with the DC and DH has his warmed up. It's also much less work for me.

Would finances permit things like a cleaner, even if its just for a few weeks and online grocery shopping?

Agree too that DP should be trying harder at night and if not he should be doing loads of other stuff. My DH couldn't settle our DS but came home and cooked the evening meal every night and did all of the food shopping and I got regular lie ins.

Have you thought of trying to feed more often in the day too? It might help to tank him up. Have a look 31 ways to get your baby to sleep and stay asleep. If you want your DP to help out more at night, get him to read this. Why does he think a 2 week old will self settle too? What experience does he have of babies and children? Seems like his expectations are completely unrealistic, perhaps you could show him the isis website and studies on normal infant sleep

Xposted with you both there.

Keep posting brain and let us know how you are getting on

Those links are really helpful, thanks.
We've had a good evening. I've had more energy, I think due partly to getting this off my chest, and we've been talking really positively about ds going onto solids.

The stats on sleeping are really interesting. I'll definitely store those for dp and me to read together. The info on ways to settle at night are also useful, I might see if dp would be willing to try more of that to give me a break.

I really appreciate the responses. It's amazing how much difference it makes to talk about things.

So glad you are feeling a little more positive

I went to a postnatal course and the best thing I learnt was that babies are quite ready for bed at 6.30 - 7. I had been keeping DD up until 8 and wondering why she was so grouchy and DH and I could never eat a meal in peace.

So from that moment on (about five weeks old) I would give the last feed at 6.30 and bed by 7. I did the same with DS and they both slept from 7pm until 7am from 7/8 weeks old. I continued with a bedtime of 7 o'clock until they were 5 years old. They are now 8 and 6 years old and I have only ever been up with them in the night due to teething or illness.

Please try an earlier bedtime. Yes it will mean that DP sees less of them but it works better in the long run. Good luck!