Really struggling with 13 month old and 5 yr old- PLEASE someone tell me it will get better!!!

[Mum2DS1andDS2]

Hi, I have a gorgeous happy, fun loving, gentle 5 year old ds1 who is 5 years old and generally (though bossy) a manageable 'easy' child. I also have a grumpy, frustrated, whinging and generally high maintenance 13 month old DS2 who still isn't walking and isn't particularly happy with the world. Now I know DS1 was difficult at this age and to be honest I don't really enjoy the baby bit anyway so that could be part of the problem. I remember wishing DS1's life away until he was 2 and suddenly I had a 'child' rather than a 'baby'.

Anyway, long story short is I feel crap. I feel like a crappy mum to both of them now. DS1 is full time school so every day when he comes home I want to enjoy time with him and generally just be with him as I've had all day with the baby. However I seem to be so exhausted by the end of the day that I have no energy and inevitably the baby will start whinging or crying over something or grabbing at anything DS1 is playing with.... now I know it's normal. I don't even know why I am typing this! Perhaps just looking for a light at the end of the tunnel!

I just seem to really struggle with the non verbal stage and I have to constantly think of what to say to DS2 so I don't feel like I'm neglecting him. I feel so guilty whenever I spend time with either of them because in my head that means the other one is being ignored even if the other is perfectly happy. I can't ever seem to get them to play together as DS2 is just too young and of course doesn't understand playing with anyone, just wants to grab and mouth everything which again I know is totally normal. So what's my problem?! Why am I so stressed out? I have two gorgeous healthy boys yet I feel so torn all the time. Soooo, anyone out there with some pearls of wisdom?? Anyone felt like this? Anyone tell me it will get better???! Anyone??!

Bump anyone?

Its normal, you're frazzled, and it does get better. (mine are 13,9,5 now)

This summer they'll be pottering around together in the park and your heart will swell with pride and happiness at your wonderful DCs

Have a look at The Sixty Minute Mother by Rob Parsons for some life-affirming reassurance.

I have 2 dd's aged 6 (just) and 17 months. I feel like you most days. I feel guilty all the time that I am not spending enough time with dd1 after school as dd2 is quite clingy and demanding.

I think the age gap doesn't help, dd1 isn't interested in playing with dd2. Also dd1 has had my full undivided attention for 4.5 years and at first found it hard to share my attention and now sometimes just looks resigned to it which I find hard.

You can only do the best you can. I now have the baby in bed for 7 at the latest and try to spend half an hour with dd1 watching a programme together having a cuddle or reading books which she enjoys and means we can have some alone time together.

Thank you timetosmie It's good to know it's normal. It's just so hard to see all the other mums at the school gates with full face of make up and smiling cooing babies while I am barely remembering to brush my teeth in the morning after being run ragged by DS2 whinging through breakfast, crying when I get him dressed, whinging in the pushchair when it stops etc etc. It's like walking a very thin tight rope! And although I remember feeling exactly the same with DS1 it just seems so much harder when juggling the two of them and trying to make them both happy. I have become obsessed with not letting DS2 impact upon DS1's life in a negative way because I want them to have a good relationship and not to see me struggling etc but it's just so much pressure and I don't know what to do now.

I have always been a bit of a worrier anyway, I actually go to counselling to deal with anxiety problems anyway but I seem to be failing. I loved my time with DS1 from him being about 2yrs onwards and he is still the centre of my world but I feel so guilty that so far DS2 is just hard work and very little to enjoy :-(

I know I felt the same last time. I know that part is probably not normal but I am working on it. I just need to try and enjoy some of his babyhood as I actually threw away all DS1's baby things because I couldn't bare to look at even the little outfits as they just made me feel so sad remembering how hard it was. I have kept his hospital tag and his first shoes and other than photos that's it. Same with DS2 and that makes me so sad when I see so many other mums out there enjoying it all and I can't help but think I'm doing it all wrong. I just want to fast forward and get to the good part where they can potter about and argue together and we can do things as a family again. At the moment it's like I get the baby and DH gets DS1 or he looks after DS2 while I take DS1 swimming or whatever. It seems like we are divided in two now as oppose to a whole family because DS2 can't do things that DS1 wants to do. That will get better right?!

Oh I feel like you! 3.5yr DS1 and very nearly 8m DS2. DS1 naturally is not really interested in playing with DS2. They both want my 100% undivided attention, I cannot be doing a jigsaw with DS1 and pushing a ball to DS2 without DS1 saying 'play with me mummy, play with meeee...' then going off with his head low to lie on the floor utterly sad and broken, and DS2 grizzling and whinging until I look at him, when he is all smiles again...

DS1 has started being incredibly defiant which I am finding hard, and the time when DS2 is napping and we should be spending together, seems to be spent with him determined to make life difficult (spoiling games/pictures etc) to pay me back for 'inflicting' DS2 on him.

It is definately not the most fun I've ever had in my life I have to say!

Glad I'm not alone however

Ahh Thank you mrsroger It is good to hear I'm not alone though not good you feel the same really I suppose! I just am so tired of trying to organise the day ahead perfectly the night before so I don't have to leave DS2 in a room by himself other wise he screams and cries and I hate to hear him so upset. Obviously I have to leave him occassionally but I try to get things sorted so it's reduced to a minimum. I hate letting DS1 hear DS2 cry aswell. I don't want him to think all his brother does is cry even though it feels like it is all he does sometimes!

I get DS2 to bed for 7 too so me and DS1 can read together or just talk. I miss him and our time alone terribly and although I love DS2 it just feels like it's all a bit much sometimes. Like it could all explode at any moment and every day is a count down to DS2 going to bed which sounds awful.

sleepingsatellite that sounds very hard too. DS1 is often heard saying 'NOOOOOOO DS2 that's mine!' and 'No you can not have that' 'Go away' to his brother. He's quite a bossy little boy but actually it's understandable as to him DS2 is 'spoiling' his game or toy or whatever. Even doing a jigsaw ends with DS1 shouting and DS2 in ears as he wants the pieces but DS1 won't let him as he's using them. DS1 has actually been very understanding and does not play up or act out, he's very gentle with his brother but seems to have no wish to play with him which I suppose at this age is understandable as DS2 is not really able to play properly or use objects as they are meant to be used which DS1 doesn't understand.

I can't quite remember when it all seemed to make sense with DS1 but I think it was around 2 when the world seemed a bit less abstract to him and he became a lovely little boy who could talk and understand things. It just feels like such a long hard slog.

DS2 in tears not ears

Any more 'it'll get better' stories??

Oh my God ARRRRRGHH! Sorry just needed to vent somewhere. DS2 has spent all afternoon moaning and crying over goodness knows what, DS1 was trying to do his spellings and of course DS2 screaming and wailing made me feel stressed to point of me shouting at DS2 and plonking him in his high chair with a biscuit just to shut him up for 5 minutes. God I am shit at this baby malarky.