Advice please - DS extremely distressed at idea of moving.

[MaggieMcVitie]

It is looking likely that DH will have to leave his job in the near future - long story but as a result of where we live, if this does happen we will probably have to relocate.

The problem is that whenever we talk about moving DS1 (10) gets extremely distressed, crying uncontrollably and shaking. In the past we have reassured him, comforted him etc, but we are concerned about his emotional wellbeing should a move become unavoidable.

Has anyone else had any experience of this or overcome a similar problem? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Difficult if your DS is already so worried about this; we moved when DS was 9 and really sold it to him as an 'adventure' so he was quite excited. We involved him in visiting new schools and (to some extent) choosing his school, he also was involved in visiting houses etc and planning his new bedroom. I researched lots of things to do and as we were moving to an area which had more to do for him that was a novelty in itself.

Does he belong to Cubs/scouts - you can arrange a transfer, any other clubs/activities that he enjoys that you can find out about before you move.

Can you find out what is behind his fears - is it a special friend he will miss? The thought of starting a new school?

I think you have to be totally honest, explain that your DH has to have a new job and there aren't any new jobs where you live.

I think the thought of starting a new school is part of it, although we looked at a house that would not involve him changing schools a year ago and he was just as upset about that. he ahs said he would move but only to a house in the same village...

Sorry, awful typing in that post...

Have a look at some of the threads on living overseas but the best thing you can do is recognise that his concerns are real and no less valid because he is a child. If he feels his fears are listened to, it is likely to be easier.

Also, I find Bach Flower remedies (rescue remedy is a blend of these) can be hugely beneficial in allowing a person to take a step back from their feelings and see them in perspective. Mimilus is good for shy sensitive children and Walnut is the remedy for times of great change, moving home, loss of friends.

have you sat down and got him to focus clearly on exactly what he is worried about - just like with an adult (or yourself if you were feeling very anxious) it is better if you can look with clarity at the specific fear - so that it doesn't manifest as an uncontrollable fog of worry!

Perhaps take some calm time when he is in a good mood to sit down with a book you could designate the worry book - he can write down, with your help what he is worried about happening. Is it sadness about losing his home? Or fear of not having friends nearby? Then address the worst fears he has in a practical way - and he can write these solutions down.

ALso make him (kindly!) write a list of positive things about moving ....that will get his brain into gear in a different way.I agree with the poster above about helping him feel in control of the situation by involving him as much as possible

I think also you need to look calm about it - he will pick up on your worries. YOu are his family and that won't change.

My youngest was like this. Dh was in the army.

Essentially, you get on with it. Yu plan, you include him in the planning, you big up how cool the new place, school, scout group, dance club, swimming pool is, and you validate his sorrow at losing the familiar, but you get on with it.

By putting too much store in how he feels, you are essentially telling him he is right to feel that way, and that there must be something bad/ terrible/ scary about moving. Of course, he can't help the way he feels - it isn't 'wrong', but he needs to know that although you understand how he feels, there is lots to look forward to. (And he will feel differently once the big awful scary move has passed).

My sister did this at the same age when my dad was up for promotion and a move. Her behaviour convinced my dad to turn down the promotion (as I was slightly older I knew how excited he was about it, and the potential it had to make a huge difference to our family life) and although he didn't ever mention it again, every time we were worried about money, or life was stressful, I'm sure he thought about it. The company made him redundant shortly afterwards, as they didn't need him in that location.

Dd2 is fine about moving now. She only cries for about two days, and is then ready to move on.

It's quite sensible really. What is is scared of now is unknown. When you know where you are going you can talk to him about the plan and he will probably be much better. But fear of the unknown makes sense.

Thank you everyone who has replied, there's some really sound advice there. I did ask him if he could explain exactly what it was that made him so upset and he said he just didn't want to leave the village, he lives it here. So from that I can see that a lot of it is fear of the unknown.
I also think the point that one of you made about acknowledging his fears but not giving in to them was a very valid point, it is our job to teach him that it's not scary.