When your child is harder on him/herself than you want to be....

[foolonthehill]

What do you do?

I have a few children, most are perfectly predictable with discipline...star charts, naughty steps, time out, removal of privileges, gaining rewards etc. etc. all work just fine. BUT I have one DS (9) and one DD (6) who react thus to the punishment:

you give me 5 minutes time out...I'll raise you that 5 minutes and give myself 20, you remove today's DS time I will ban myself for a week (I kid you not they carry it through too), the more precious the thing is that they lose, the more extreme their self-punishing is.

What would you do?

it may be relevant that we are 15 months out of an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship where the children were directly targeted by their father. They currently have Skype contact only, and yes, they are angry about that and do have issues with his behaviour....

Oh I feel heartfully for you ... Without the last paragraph my reaction would be to leave them to it, let them sort themselves out/punish themselves as much as they want. BUT .. sadly, with your situation the advice would obviously NOT be that. I truly don't know what to do, I'd seek professional help/counselling etc.

Is the skype contact wise? Is it not better to have no contact? It seems logical to me that any continuing contact will have a negative effect on the children..
I only ask, I don't know what's for the best, I have no expertise ..

Sending hugs your way, hoping you get the support and advice you need.

Definitely ask for support/referral from GP or does your school have a counsellor/family worker that you could approach in the first instance.

Have had advice from general people (Gp/school liason etc.) all say be consistent and keep to your penalties/reward systems...but it's not really working .

We are waiting for CAMHS (family therapy) to get in touch ...

fraz you are quite right about the skype contact, unfortunately this is likely to progress to face to face with supervision soon. They are always a mess afterwards and it takes ages to bring them back to peaceful normality. the truth is that whilst there is a modicum of support to get people out of abusive relationships often the default "the children need to see their dad" kicks in once you are out..and the other parent is left to pick up the pieces as best they can.

Thanks for your support and replies.

It's so wrong ... "the children need to see their dad" ... what about the horrible consequences then suffered by the children?.. Bloomin political correctness/human rights ....
I'm sure CAMHS will be of huge help though. I'd pester knock down G.P.'s door every day until they hurry this through for you.

I shall frazz al the while thinking how to personify your nickname!

Ha Ha, I'm still trying ...
I must admit I'm far far better than I used to be. I firmly believe now, you can't change what's happened (meaning minor mishaps, spilt drinks etc) so just chill and deal with the aftermath (cleaning up etc) This was drastically put to the test when dh let a hot ember fly out my log burning stove and singe my brand new, 2 day old, £750 carpet!! How I kept calm I do not know!
I really don't think I'd be my namesake in your situation though. Different rules apply.
Good luck, sending big hugs your way to help you stay strong.

Do you think that they're doing the punishing that your ex would've been doing? Like, they think that they're getting let off lightly by you in comparison with your ex's abuse so are punishing themselves in lieu of that?

Yes, he was harsh or couldn't care less so unpredictable.....

Awww, that's so sad. And it's really horrible that society expects you to maintain contact.

I'd keep reiterating that only Mum decides punishments.

Could you ask your 9 yr old for 'advice' about stopping the 6 year old from doing it in a kind of "she's so silly" way? It might bring out some answers.