11 year old boy seems to hate his sister?

[letseatgrandma]

I know this is probably normal and an age old problem, but it's quite upsetting :(

We have DS 11, DD 8 and DD 3. DS seems increasingly intolerant of DD1-can't speak in a civil way to her-is annoyed by everything she does and seems so unkind. He is a lovely boy to everyone else (especially DD2-which makes it more noticeable). It is worse at the moment because everything he gets into-various PC games/x-box things/films-she begins to like and then they are competing for time, eg on the x box (of which there is only one in the house-I'm sure getting another would NOT solve the problem!)

I try to make sure he speaks nicely to her and isn't horrid, but that doesn't help at all and I think makes him more cross with her when I'm not there. I just keep thinking that I might die (the logical thoughts you have!) and they will never speak again! I know she can be annoying-but he seems to really dislike her and she is a lovely girl :(

Is there anything I can do to encourage their friendship?

My dd was like this for a year or so with her older brother, I agree, really upsetting, particulalry as they had got on when they were younger.

I just kept having lots of talks about families and kindness etc etc and zero tolerance for unpleasantness (all pointless it seemed!) and then one day she just suddenly changed and now they get on again...

Hormones. I blame them hormones.

If she's copying him/getting 'in to' everything he likes he possibly feels smothered, as if he doesn't have any interest that's 'his'.

Have you tried telling DD1 that she needs to give her brother some space? If he feels as though he's always being treated as the villain and his needs are ignored then he will become increasingly frustrated with, and resentful of her.

Strict fairness is vital. Equal division of time on x box etc - IF it is shared. It's trickier if it's always been his but now she wants a go...

Hmm-yes, the X-box is his which is tricky!

Ah.

I would get her something of her own. It isn't fair that suddenly she gets to use his...

I thought it must have been a family console...it's his so:

At 8yo she's old enough to be told that she has to ask her bother if she can play on his X-box - and if he says no then that's final and don't pester him.

Then have a chat to DS and tell him that his sis knows she has to ask and knows not to pester...but it would be nice of him to let her play sometimes (give lots of praise/positive reinforcement etc when he does let her play). The trust and responsibility will be good for his self esteem.

I don't have tons of advice I'm afraid, but just wanted to say that DSS was vile to his sister at that age - DSD was 8 when DSS was 11 and he just seemed to detest her.

He was always complaining that everyone showed her favouritism, which we countered by saying that when he was younger he got the same attention and help as she did; and that it might seem we treated him unfairly sometimes but it was because he was slightly older so we did expect a bit more from him. That helped loads.

Now he is 13 and she is 10 they are getting on really well. Still occasional bickering etc - they're not perfect! - but the interests they share now serve them really well instead of causing rifts like they used to.

Not much help, I know, but I thought it might give you something to hang onto when it's really bad!