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Original poster

My 3 year old keeps saying 'You're naughty/silly" to us

23 replies

united4ever · 28/01/2013 21:13

Hi, My son started nursery in September, his speaking has come on loads which is great. One thing we don't like though is that if we do something which he doesn't like such as washing his hair he will say 'Mummy/Daddy you're naughty.....Don't do that'. He will also say 'You're silly' sometimes to us and his baby sister.

I know there's a lot worse things he could say but we try to explain that children should not say this to adults but then he asks why and then I try to explain it's disrespectful. He still doesn't get it really.

So, any ideas about how we can guide him away from this and what is a good thing to advise him to do when he gets cross. I spoke to him about counting to ten or taking a deep breath but these were not so effective.

Thanks in advance:)

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piprabbit · 28/01/2013 21:16

Do you know where he is hearing people calling each other silly and naughty? If it is happening at home, you can make sure you stop saying it yourselves, if it is happening at nursery, I'd be tempted to have a chat because as I'd feel uncomfortable if there was a lot of negative labelling happening in a childcare setting.

mylovelymonster · 28/01/2013 21:18

Surely you're not serious?
Cross/tantrum for my 3yo prima donna means naughty step or taking away privileges. Either that or we walk away and leave her on her own without attention. Remarkable how quickly that one works. At home of course. She is an angel as soon as we cross the threshold.

rhetorician · 28/01/2013 21:21

don't know the answer, but my dd1 is 4 and did this a lot - less so now, but she still does it. So if you tell her off she will say 'no, I am very cross with you mummy'; he is trying to take back control plus testing out the effect of the words to see if (by magic) it works on you. It's quite clever, because obviously it doesn't work when a 3 yo tells you off and therefore takes the sting out of what you've said to him. He is repeating what he hears and really it's not disrespectful as such - he can't grasp that concept yet. Also you might be able to contain it by sometimes admitting that 'yes, such and such was silly'. DD calls us sometimes when we use language we have told her not to and that seems fair enough; beyond that not engaging in further discussion seems to work - 'I am cross with you because...and the consequence is y...'

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rhetorician · 28/01/2013 21:23

good lord, are silly and naughty no longer allowed ?

StitchAteMySleep · 28/01/2013 21:23

My 3 year old does it too, at that age they imitate and emulate a lot. It is how they learn. Is he being exposed to this language at nursery or home? If you tell him he is naughty then he will pick up on that language and use it just like he would imitate mannerisms or skills. In time I figure that dd will learn the correct context if I show my disapproval each time she does it.

mylovelymonster · 28/01/2013 21:23

mylovelymonster · 28/01/2013 21:26

One day in the bathroom when we were all brushing our teeth/getting ready, our 3 yo stated " Daddy, you're disgusting, and DSis you're disgusting, and mummy you're disgusting, and I'm lovely" with a huge grin on her face. Priceless.

piprabbit · 28/01/2013 21:27

I'm happy to tell my DS that something is a naughty or silly thing to do, but I try to avoid telling him that he is silly or naughty.

Original poster

united4ever · 28/01/2013 21:28

we don't use that language at home. We might say 'that's naughty' but never 'you're naughty'. we have never really used the word silly. I will bring it up at the upcoming parents meeting.

we use the naughty step but I haven't used it yet when he has called us naughty. To be honest I think it's difficult for him to undersatnd the context of when naughty can be used. So sometimes we will label behaviour naughty but the difference between us using it and him calling us naughty is hard for him to get his head round.

Also, think it may be other kids at the nursery saying this to each other but not sure.

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mylovelymonster · 28/01/2013 21:28

For why, when I presume, like most human beings, he can be both and sometimes at the same time?

rhetorician · 28/01/2013 21:29

piprabbit that's fair enough wasn't quite clear from your post; I would be the same in theory but can't really expect a small child to distinguish between the person and the behaviour

Zappo · 28/01/2013 21:30

My DD (5) occasionally tells me she wants to kill me or punch me in the face if I don't do what she wants.... I think you've got off lightly.

Seriously though he's just exp-erimenting with the words he's heard and looking for your reaction. When I react to my DD by getting upset she enjoys pushing my buttons all the more so I'm trying not to show her I care when she tells me what a mean mummy I am etc.

I would be more concerned that nursery staff were using the word "naughty" as they should be tacking the behaviour not labelling the child. However, it may be that the other children are using this word having picked it up at home.

I mean I've never used the word "punch" at home. I'm assuming the teachers don't use it so it must be playground terminology.

Lifeisontheup · 28/01/2013 21:30

I would imagine he's hearing it from his peers. Not really a huge problem, just tell him he mustn't say it to Mummy/Daddy as it's not nice.

mylovelymonster · 28/01/2013 21:32

There's obviously a very important book somewhere about bringing up children the right way that I've recklessly overlooked.

mylovelymonster · 28/01/2013 21:33

You lot are going to be in for a big shock when they start school. Oh brother.

BertieBotts · 28/01/2013 21:36

I think it's normal. Just ignore it. And adults can be naughty sometimes anyway. (DS calls his grandad naughty if he smokes inside, and tells him to go outside!) I don't agree with having different language for children and adults - swearing etc excepted - I don't want to say something to DS that I'd find it unacceptable if he said back to me. I'm quite happy for him to call me on stuff, I'll either explain why it's OK for me to do it in that situation or I'll stop.

In our case it definitely came from nursery because I don't use the word "naughty" at all - nothing wrong with it but I prefer to be more specific (That's dangerous/going to make a mess/too loud/whatever). I don't think it's worth bringing up at parent's evening personally.

Original poster

united4ever · 28/01/2013 21:37

Yeah, i think telling him he mustnt say it to mummy or daddy because it's not nice is good. The only thing is when he's angry he will shout it repeatedly. I guess we'll threaten him with the naughty step and then use the naughty step if need be.

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BertieBotts · 28/01/2013 21:39

There's kind of an irony in using a "naughty step" to punish a child for saying the terribly forbidden word "naughty"...

Zappo · 28/01/2013 21:44

If you call it the "naughty step", he's just going to keep saying it I'm afraid.

I don't choose to use the step and obviously if it works for you then that's your choice but I do think you need to think about saving it for what you classify as really unacceptable behaviour otherwise you will be putting him on it a 100 times a day when he starts school.

Original poster

united4ever · 28/01/2013 21:46

ha ha, yeah I see what you mean. I realise naughty in itself is not a bad word and also silly. It's just that when we are doing things which he doesn't like it ends up becoming a tantrum where he shouts at us saying 'you're naughty'. Maybe we should relax a bit more on this one.

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Wolfiefan · 28/01/2013 21:50

My DD tells us all off if we do anything she perceives as being unacceptable behaviour. She's 3! We either explain why we weren't being badly behaved or apologise!!

Zappo · 28/01/2013 21:52

Yeah just say " I know you don't like having your hair washed" and try to ignore the ensuing verbal onslaught. Hard I know. When he's calm you can explain that "we wash in order to keep clean, keep bugs away. It is usually hard/impossible to reason with them during a tantrum though.

Geeklover · 28/01/2013 22:00

What wolfiefan said.
I don't think there is much wrong with him saying it and tbh from now on you will only have growing variations of it as he grows up and doesn't get his own way.
All three of mine have done this and if I'm honest as they get older the sentiment is always the same just the vocabulary gets more mature.

Just explain why you are allowed to do what your doing and don't make too much fuss. Really don't think this is a time out offence it's a normal part of growing up and testing boundaries.

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