Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Advice re 'sick' DD - is she faking?

40 replies

cherriesblossom · 28/01/2013 10:19

Argh I'm really annoyed.This is gonna make me sound like a cruel and heartless mother,but ho hum.

DD2(8) is off today as she's been sick.She vomited in the playground after I'd taken her in. She told me this morning she was feeling sick, but I dismissed it and said she needed to eat something as she was probably just nauseous.

I was at the school office when they brought her round to say she had thrown up in the playground (twice). She had a little smirk on her face and is absolutely fine in every other way. This means I have to cancel my whole work day...and either take the day as annual leave or not get paid.

It wouldn't be an issue if I actually believed she was sick, which I don't. I feel she is being manipulative and has done this for attention/control. This happens 3-5 times a year. No issues with bullying/ disliking school btw, she is very popular and has lots of friends.

I've sent her to bed now, and said if she's sick then she must stay there without TV etc. Feels like she's being punished but I can't muster up any sympathy for her or shake this feeling that she has made herself throw up on purpose.

btw, I psycho analyse this over in my head over and over. Maybe she doesn't like me working and wants me to be at home. Maybe she thinks that being sick is a way to garner sympathy. Maybe she is testing me, if Mummy doesn't believe me, she can't really love me.

For a while she used to do it in the toilets until I asked had anyone every actually seen her? Then she began to do it more openly.

I imagine her when she is older, throwing this in my face - when I was sick, you never believed me/made me feel bad. I wonder if we need to see someone about this.

Could there be a genuine reason that she is sick roughly half a dozen times a year (sometimes less) with no other symptoms? Eating the same food as always/all of us of us or after having eaten nothing at all?
Any advice?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LadyMargolotta · 28/01/2013 10:28

Gosh that is some accusation, that she is vomiting deliberately.

She said that she was feeling sick this morning, you didn't believe her, and then she vomited twice in school, and you still don't believe her?

I would think it's within the normal range for an eight year old to be sick 3-5 times a year.

I do think you need to see someone about this.

If your dd is deliberately making herself sick, that is not normal and you both need help.

If she is genuinely being sick and you don't believe her and have no sympathy for her, that is also not normal, and you need help.

I think you should speak to someone about this - your first step should be the GP - just you alone, and a second appointment for your dd2.

TrinityRhino · 28/01/2013 10:31

I agree with everything ladymargolotta has said

please get some help

either explanation is in need of help

Original poster

cherriesblossom · 28/01/2013 10:31

Thank you for the reply, I think you're right & we need to see a Dr about this.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail · 28/01/2013 10:34

I agree with the others OP. This could be the beginning of a very dysfunctional relationship between the two of you

diamondee · 28/01/2013 10:35

I have no advice, sorry. Just wanted to say I used to make myself sick with I was at school. Usually to avoid a class I wasn't looking forward to or to stop my parents going somewhere I didn't want them to (I was an awful child).
I would do this a lot more than 3-5 times a year though, if it was for attention I'd think your dd would do it more often too.

sweetestB · 28/01/2013 10:41

how is it possible that someone can make themselves sick and vomit twice in a row in public.? this is a genuine question.

Original poster

cherriesblossom · 28/01/2013 10:41

Diamondee - thanks for saying that. Was your experience as straight forward as that, or do you think it is symptomatic of deeper issues?

I love my DD very much and spend as much quality time with her as possible but she is without doubt a very challenging child. She can be quite manipulative when she wants to be, but can also be very thoughtful/considerate.creative/kind. She is the type of child who knows how to push your buttons, or change the mood of a room. I don't know if that makes much sense unless you know a child like her. Most people who know her don't know this side of her, but close family have all seen it (though we all obviously still try to be loving & patient - she can be extremely testing.)

OP posts:

Original poster

cherriesblossom · 28/01/2013 10:44

Honestly Sweetest, I don't know, but a few people have told me they have done it themselves (see Diamondee above). I don't know if she coughs until she's sick or what as it's usually at school & I'm not there to see it. But there are never any other symptoms of sickness - no mess or her, no temperature, no grey skin/sweat, tiredness, nothing you would normally associate with a child being ill.

OP posts:

ShatnersBassoon · 28/01/2013 10:44

Faking wouldn't be my first thought. Bouts of sickness 3-5 times a year isn't unusual in children, and the fact she was sick twice at school with an audience (when she could have done it at home if the aim was to avoid school) would convince me it was genuine.

LadyMargolotta · 28/01/2013 10:44

cherriesblossom - it makes me sad to think that you dd is alone upstairs, being 'punished' for being ill - even if she deliberately made herself ill (which I doubt in this instance) - she still needs her mum and she needs some sympathy. Can you go up stairs and give her a cuddle and ask her if she wants to talk about it?

tomatoplantproject · 28/01/2013 10:47

Omg you sound like my mother when I was little. I felt really sick the first day of my new school. She didn't believe me. By the end of the day I was very sick, rushed to hospital and it transpired my appendix had burst. My mum always believed me after that, and I was always honest about being poorly.

Even if she's faking it, making yourself sick is horrid so what's the underlying reason? You don't sound like a kind mum to me.

pepperrabbit · 28/01/2013 10:48

In our house if you get sent home from school sick, you have to go to bed. Simple as.
If they are genuinely poorly they need to rest in bed, if they are faking they are in for a very boring day.
If she is making herself sick (fingers down her throat?) then you need to seek help for her.
What do you think she gets out of it?

sweetestB · 28/01/2013 10:51

I was called to the school earlier last Friday because my 5 year old wasn't feeling well. I got there and she had her suffering face on, complaining about head and tummy ache. As soon as we left school she was running, leaping, skipping and asking to go to the park. I knew she was lying but I treated her like she was sic still. Canceled her playdate wit two best friends she doesn't see often, she changed into pyjamas and had to stay quietly watching telly until I finished working, than we watched a DVD together, because I wanted to watch it and never found the time, than I announced that we were supposed to bday having pizza and other treats for dinner but she was to have porridge and go to bed early instead.
She is now asking me to arrange the playdate again but I tell her unfortunately I don't know when I will have time again and she wasted the opportunity.
I don't think she will be faking illness anytime soon.

toffeefee · 28/01/2013 11:05

I used to fake illness at school, but it was more headaches or similar. I was really unhappy and anxious at school, hated my bullying, child-hating music teacher but didn't know how to tell anyone. I hid it well and I don't think anyone would have guessed. I had a lovely group of friends, good grades, took part in plays, music productions etc, so it doesn't always have to be an obvious problem.

Whether your DD is actually ill or is pretending for some other reason she needs your help and not to be in bed alone. I would suggest that as she told you before school, then it is an actual illlness. If she could vomit to order, would she not just do it first thing so that she didn't even have to go to school?

Also, asshe actually did vomit at school today, can I suggest that you treat it as a real illness and make sure you observe the 48 hour rule. So many don't and spread these viruses round the school.

Original poster

cherriesblossom · 28/01/2013 11:23

Lady M - took your advice and went to speak to her & brought her some (decaf) tea with honey.She is very upset as she's realized that she won't be able to go to a school concert tomorrow, which she has been practicing for,for months. I asked why she thinks she was sick and she says that she doesn't think she is ill, but that's shes eaten something that has her tummy doesn't like. She ate the same as DD1 and I last night and finished her plate so I don't think it's that tbh.

Tomato, I understand that I don't spund very kind but I'm actually a nice person and a good mum. We spent most of yesterday together baking, go out on lots of daytrips, we play boardgames together and read togther most evenings and I show her I love her alot. I just just very frustrated with a 'sick' child who doesn't seem at all ill, especially when it seems to happen so frequently.

Sweetest, this situation is similar to the one you describe. I'm tempted to keep her off tomorrow (though the school rule is 24 hours, and I don't think she has a bug) so she does miss her concert, and realises that it doesn't pay to pretend. Not to be vindictive, but so she understands the implications of making herself sick. I honestly feel that if I'd told her this morning that if she took a day off sick, she'd miss the concert, then it wouldn't have happened at all.

OP posts:

Badvoc · 28/01/2013 11:28

I think making yourself sick - if that is even what she has done - is a pretty good indicator that she is not happy with some aspect of her home or school life.
Being ill 3-5 times oer year is not unusual IMHO in young kids.
Alternatively she may have an intolerance to a food that you and your other dd don't?

Floralnomad · 28/01/2013 11:34

You may say that you're a lovely mum but please reread all your posts . I hope your daughter feels better soon.

ExitPursuedByABear · 28/01/2013 11:35

I don't think you sound horrible. I also make DD go to bed if she claims to be ill, although I will allow her to listen to talking books.

Being ill 3 -5 times a year is not unusual but vomiting at school 3 -5 times a year is unusual in my opinion.

CoraBear · 28/01/2013 11:37

I am in two minds here. My Mum never believed I was sick. I was carted off to hospital as a teen with burst ovarian cysts that had left me in agony for weeks and she still thought I was faking it. Even after my operation. I was angry at my Mum for such a long time about it, but having heard about her childhood, it seems that whenever she was ill her Mother never believed her either. What was your Mum like when you were sick OP?

On the other hand, I know a little girl who is five and uses vomiting as a tactic when ever she is having a tantrum / being made to do something she doesn't want to. It's shocking to see. She will complain that she doesn't want to do something; go shopping or to visit a relative and when the complaining doesn't work she throws up all over herself. She makes herself wretch and then gets sick. She has quite a troubled up bringing and has been doing this for years.

If I were you I would sit down with your daughter and have a talk about it. Don't let her go to school tomorrow, she may have a bug or she needs to learn actions have consequences but you need to find out the cause.

Original poster

cherriesblossom · 28/01/2013 11:41

Floral - part of the reason I posted on here is because I am worried that I am reacting to harshly to this. I'm listening to the advice people are giving me and reading back on my posts. Sometimes parenting is difficult and you have to make judgement calls when you get the sense that your kids are trying it on. It's not nice but it happens.

OP posts:

Badvoc · 28/01/2013 11:45

You do sound very unsympathetic op.
Maybe she is picking up on that?
Is she being ill to punish you for - as she sees it - not caring enough?
I don't know.
I was sent to school if I was ill or not.
I was left at home alone when ill from a young age.
I guess it has made me very different with my kids..perhaps OTT even.

Floralnomad · 28/01/2013 11:48

I am a parent and well aware of how difficult it is , all I meant was that in your posts you don't come across as harsh ,to me ,more vindictive and nasty . My policy in life is dont say anything about anybody that you wouldn't say to them yourself . When your daughter is older would you be happy for her to read what you have written this morning ? If you would then fine ,that's your business, personally if it were my daughter I wouldn't ,but heyho we are all different.

homebythesea · 28/01/2013 11:52

My DS used to have apparently inexplicable one-off vomits, with miraculous recovery aftrewards. We later discovered it was migraine. Stomach ache can be a symptom of migraine - you don't necessarily get a headache. Could there be a food trigger behind the vomiting which might indicate migraine? And don't worry about sounding mean - I know from experience that some children really are difficult to live with and do use up a lot of your sympathy stores to the point of depletion

diamondee · 28/01/2013 11:54

You could have been describing me up thread as a child cherries. My speciality was playing my mum and dad against one another which I deeply regret now.
I didn't cough to make myself sick, or stick my fingers down throat etc so it looked like I was genuinely ill. My mum caught on to me quickly but my dad didn't believe her.
I think it was mainly for attention, to get my own way but I have no idea what anyone could have done to stop me doing it. I'm sorry I don't have any advice.

MrsMushroom · 28/01/2013 11:55

OP g to the doctor without her...explain all you have said here and he or she will have come across it if it IS a faking thing...or if it's an actual condition.

Best of luck.

Flip

1 2