Mums, how did your DP/DH cope?

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Following on from a discussion with DP this morning, he has suggested he wants to step down from his current senior role.

He mentioned this over Christmas and I said then not to make any knee-jerk reactions but because of DD's sleep (or lack there of) he said it is affecting him at work now.

This morning he's brought it up again and basically says he can't do his job to the best of his ability without a full nights sleep and he hasn't slept a full night in 18 months. It isn't like him to 'give up' on a job that I know he loves (it is a new one, same field different area) and I really think he'll regret stepping down. Last night, DD woke at 11pm upset because of her teeth, went back down (we were still up) and then woke at 4.30am, but this time taking ages to go back down, eventually settling off at 5.30am. Then us getting up at 7.20am and had to wake DD up (unheard of normally!)

I can cope on only a few hours sleep, god knows how, but I've never been a great sleeper myself so just get through - plus I'm not working full time in a workplace, only part time from home whilst looking after DD around my work schedule. DP has said that his concentration just twindles during the day and that he need to be on the ball and feels that he isn't any more.

I've put forward to him to think about requesting flexible working, maybe drop a day a week, work 3 full and 2 half days. I've also said he can stop at his mums for a night or 2 during the week to get a full nights sleep (I suggested this at Xmas but he wouldn't do it as he didn't feel it was fair on me even though I insisted that did to recharge)

I'm keen to hear of experiences of your OH's and how they coped when they became a parent? Did they suffer at work and in the workplace due to lack of sleep? Without being gender stereotypical, is this a 'man' thing? Can women just cope better when they become a parent and take what is thrown at them, i.e. lack of sleep? I felt this morning that DP just resented our life now after having DD. I don't think he does, he loves us to bits, but I couldn't help but hear a sense of wishing things were different.

Are there any top tips or solutions I could put forward before he makes a decision that will ultimately drop our monthly incomings and change things in our household (I may have to pick up more work if he does this, haven't done the figures yet).

If you have reached the end of this long post, thanks! Off to get [coffee]

I don't think it's a "man" thing, I think it's one of those things that depend on a range of circumstances: how stressful the job is, how well you are able to wind down and relax when you get the chance, how important sleep is for your wellbeing, what your general stamina is like etc, etc.

My db can cope with enormously long hours that would just kill me. I am fine with the teaching part of my job during periods of stress but can't cope with the more creative writing part.

Is your dh generally a helpful and positive person?

I hope this isn't speaking out of turn but this reaction sounds a bit unusual to me - I wonder if there is more going on? By this I mean, the stress of a new job, it not working out so well, difficulties with new boss or team?
If he doesn't like the idea of sleeping at his Mum's because it's unfair, would it help to take turns? You do all night shifts with your DC during the week and he helps on the weekend? Alternatively, he goes to bed earlier (maybe really shouldn't be still awake at 11 if he's that exhausted anyway?) and handles the first waking and you do the ones in the deep of the night/early morning. And/or you each get one long sleep in (properly undisturbed, DC taken out of house!) on the weekend? Some conbination of these?
These solutions aren't great for couple time, but to an extent it's really about getting through the day and night in the really early years.
If it's really desperate and budget allows, get some help - an au pair, night nanny to get you through? Taking a pay cut/career break/parttime role will have huge long term implications so the short term investment might be worth it.
One more idea, could it be that he really just wants to spend more time at home with your DC and be a bit more SAHD but doesn't know how to tell you?
Good luck.

Exactly what I thought too, I would get him to talk about it. Stepping down from his role is huge step and here could be more to this than he's saying.

My DH did get affected by lack of sleep but just went to sleep in another room. Is he getting enough early nights too? My DH is a bugger for staying up late and not eating properly and then complaining about being tired.

Has she always woken up or is this a new thing? Could it be the 18 month sleep regression? Have you read any books on sleep?

I think there probably is one parent who can cope better with sleep deprivation than another, so that in itself is not unusual. My DP copes much better than I do! And if he feels that his lack if sleep is really affecting him than that it something that needs addressing.

However, saying that he is going to step down from his role sounds like a very, very big reaction (possibly even an over-reaction?) and I would have thought there were other possibilities to try first:

Sleep training, if you think that might be appropriate (though of course it isn't it if it teething that it keeping your DD up)

One of you sleep in a different room

Staggered bedtimes, so your DP going to bed at 9 and trying to get some decent sleep in before your DD wakes

There could be long-term financial implications to him taking a more junior role that he might regret later, when he won't be in a position to just make it better.

I would also suggest different rooms. The sleep issues will get better, but he might find it hard to get back to the position he's in now at work when they do. Has he explained to his bosses that he's dealing with a young child and sleep deprivation? It can't hurt to let them know, at least then they won't think he's just taking the piss or can't do his job or whatever.

What time does he get home in the evenings? Maybe he could have a nap as soon as he gets in, while you do whatever needs doing, clean up, cook dinner or however it works in your family. Then still go to bed at the same time, so he's getting an extra hour or so. Does he sort everything out for the mornings the night before, so he can stay longer in bed? Laying out clothes, sorting out breakfast, packing bag etc. My dp is just a lazy arse but when he's on an early start, he even measures out his milk and porridge the night before (why he can't just bung it in a bowl and hope for the best like a normal person, I'll never know).

You have all touched on things that I was thinking to be honest.

The new job - yes, I think he feels he can't do it 110% so doesn't want to do it at all. He's a problem solver and he left a nice job where he'd solved all of their problems to start on this one. Ideal as closer to home but not so when it's a new place, difficult people etc. he doesn't get on with his boss as well at this place either.

There's a part of me that thinks its something more/bigger. I was perhaps thinking he resents my set up ie working from home, time with our dd vs him going to a workplace etc. I definitely know we need to talk about it, just this morning threw me, as in he was going to talk to his boss today! It's like he's giving up on the job that I know he can do (and do incredibly well) and not really thinking about his career, money, etc. or the fact that stepping down isn't really (to me) going to be that much easier to do on no sleep.

As for sleep with dd- she's been an ok sleeper in the sense that she goes to bed on her own, doesn't bf to sleep anymore, naps well, when wakes in the night, quick cuddle or previously before we nightweaned a bf would settle her and generally she is happy- she just does not sleep through; there's always a wake up at some point, if not 2! The thing is, he doesn't do any of the wake ups, I do them. But he says its wakes him. I slept with dd in the spare room for an hour to settle her last night, even she prefers her own bed, getting shirty with me before I put her back and said "sleep time" quite firmly and shut the door. She'd gone off within 2 minutes. We've read No Cry sleep solution, a zillion threads on here, have night weaned etc, she has a comforter teddy as glow worm, she just doesn't sleep through. I don't think it is a huge problem, but DP is now getting more and more affected by it. I have no idea if there is a solution to be honest.

Early nights- most of the time we are in bed by 10pm, if not earlier sometimes (knowing that we don't get a sleep through). We also take it turns to have a lie in over the weekend (mine sat, his on Sunday), and generally "relieve" each other of being a parent too, so I kicked him off to bed last week when he got in from work at 5pm, just for an hour, and he did the same with me on Sunday afternoon, whilst he sorted out dd.

I've just been for lunch with a friend and she said to ask him what his ideal situation would be. At the moment I have no idea as what I thought it was, was what we're doing now. But it clearly isn't for him. It's important to me (and I'm assuming him) that one of us is the main carer for dd, and the other works full time. I'm worried it'll come back that he wants to switch and send me back to work full time something I'm sure I could do, but would be gutted and extremely hard to leave dd each day (something I know he finds hard now). I could argue the toss that I don't want to do it and rightly, he could argue why is it down to him to work full time. Hmm a conversation that will be!

I suppose it's a case of getting to the bottom of what he's thinking/feeling at the minute and looking at our options. I believe he has it 'easy' in the sense that I work, pull in a bit of money, bring up our dd and run most of the house. He works, pulls in most of the money, and gets to play with dd on the weekend and each evening.

Thank you so much for all of your responses- it's good to have impartial advice!

Sounds as if you have both tried most of the ideas we might suggest.
My dh just got on with it, but, by the time ds was 2y8m, and dd was 3m, I realised that I couldn't "do it all" and we needed to look for a solution, so I recognise the "not feeling you are getting it right at work, nor at home" feeling all too well.
I worked in a role that meant I could ask for Part Time. Is that an option for him ? It is for the employer to demonstrate why it wouldn't be possible, so even if others haven't done it, he might still be able to request it. Better than stepping down (even if there is a less senior role available), and money wise, you don't lose as much as you might think at first, because of not being taxed on the first £9K ish. You are still in the senior position then, when you dd decides to sleep through, or whenever he decides he is ready to go back... easier than explaining that he felt he wasn't coping last time, next time he goes for a promotion.

No idea what to suggest workwise, but DD's sleep improved at about 18 months and has continued to get better. Maybe if he could hang on in there you'd be out the other side?

I really need sleep, I find I can function, but am really crabby.

Is he physically fit? Not a cure-all, but I was in great shape when I had DD (not now though!!!) and could cope with getting up 3-4 times a night and working full time (also managed to go out once a week too, ah for the energy I had then!)

I also read an article written by a father who said that when his first DC was little, he could sleep in the lift in between floors, but he starting running and going to the gym, and found his energy levels were huge for DC no 2.

Flexible working request was my solution this morning, perhaps dropping a day a week and doing two half days; we could cope on that and I think it would help him stop at the level he's at without damaging career/this position.

Fitness- yes, very. Cycles or walks to work (apart from Mondays when I take him and his 4 shirts!) and regular gym/cave man sessions too. That's why a part of me wants to say "why are you so tired" as I feel he does get enough sleep- we're all different of course...

Zola- I hope to god dd changes soon. She is 18 months early next month and I've seen a huge difference just in 4 weeks. We moved house last month so it was all a bit sketchy over Xmas but we've pulled it back round and she's doing better. It's temporary and I'm realistic that it is but dp wants it to change now, yesterday, last week.

feeling sympathy for u here as u are in a difficult situation. sounds like u have tried pretty much everything to help with ur partners tiredness. My partner always seems to need more sleep than i do but he can in fact sleep through all the cryin in the night unbelievably! tell him to try earplugs! Part of me thought he needs to man up a bit when i read this. so sorry if that sounds harsh. have u tried playing a cd of white noise through the night to help with your child? it may help her sleep through. or have u tried puttin somethin of yours in her cot/bed with her which smells of you ie an item of clothing which may just provide her with a bit of comfort and security when she wakes?

Thanks kazzy, will have a look into your suggestions for dd. and yes, a little bit of me thinks he should man up then I doubt whether I'm being too harsh!!

Is he depressed? Or is it that he doesn't like his job and is using this issue with your DD's sleep as an excuse to jack it in without saying 'I can't do it'?

It definitely sounds like there is more to it.

FWIW my DH works long hours, stressful work and a 1.5 hour commute each way. He gets up with the kids in the night if he is the one who hears them, he mucks in in the evenings and at the weekends with whatever needs to be done - and I'm a SAHM.

So to me, it sounds like he has a fairly easy life but wants to make it easier - and possibly needs to man up.

You've already had lots of good advice FadBook, but just in case I thought you might be interested in our experience. DP was in a senior job, quite stressful, and he felt he wasn't working properly with the amount of sleep he was getting. DS was a terrible sleeper (and still is far from perfect at almost 2.5 now), and we had the added element of DD (now 4), who was an early riser! Like you, I did most of the night wakings (I was working two days a week then) but DP always woke up too and really struggled to get back to sleep. I think often, even though I got up to settle DS, I actually got more sleep than him. We only have two bedrooms, so there was nowhere else for him to go and sleep. I never have any problem getting back to sleep after night wakings, so I found it hard to sympathise at first, but I have realised over time that it is really hard for him, and he can't just switch off and go back to sleep. I also have age on my side (10 years younger :-))...

But it wasn't just the sleep - he was unsatisfied with the organisation (a charity that he felt weren't taking their work seriously enough), and he had a couple of really difficult people he was struggling to work effectively with. So I suppose there were other elements to him wanting to resign. And then I got offered a full-time role, a great opportunity, and it all sort of fell into place.

It's worked really well with him being at home with them for the last nine months, but we're talking about him looking for another job now. We both worry that time off with kids won't be seen as quite so normal in a man, and the longer he leaves it the harder it will be for him to get back in.

Obviously I'm not saying you should do what we did! You need to do what's right for you three. Good luck!

Is he depressed? Or is it that he doesn't like his job and is using this issue with your DD's sleep as an excuse to jack it in without saying 'I can't do it'?

He isn't depressed no. I'm sure of that. The more I think about the more I think he doesn't like this new job. I've asked tonight, in an ideal world what do you want to do? And his response was 'get more sleep' I just don't know if I'm over complicating the situation and it is as simple as he is exhausted and needs to sleep!

naomilpeb - thank you for sharing your story. His job is stressful and there is certainly more expected of him in this role than the last, with added 'social' issues which I think play on his mind sometimes, especially now we have DD (he works in education sector, don't want to give too much away). The thing is, I don't think that him being at home looking after DD is what he wants either. He loves her to pieces but he isn't maternal in the sense that he'll joke that he can't wait for her to go to bed (don't we all sometimes!) and constantly says to me, "I don't know how you do it / have patience" etc.

Well the plan was to speak to him tonight. We've had dinner and I didn't want to talk about it over dinner / in front of dd (I know she is only 18 months but it wasn't the right time). After dinner he asked (bless him) if he could go an have an hour. That was 2.5 hours ago and he's still snoring away. He must be knackered - I've just not known him like this to be honest. I wonder if it's just all catching up on him.