Opinions please.... Living as a family but not husband and wife??

[Moomin1000]

Hi my husband and I have separated! We just can not get on at all and were constantly bickering and arguing! He's a very good dad and my daughter missed him a lot when he first went so now he has tea here every night and goes home to his bachelor pad and his spinningbike!! Lol :-) anyways he wants to buy a bigger house live as a family but separate bedrooms for us and tell children daddy snores so they sleep separately and he's willing to give me a second child via a yougurt pot!! Am I crazy to consider this? It means I get my family but no loving relationship? I'm 37 by the way so time is not of Essense and when I consider what's best for my daughter I think having her mum and dad around in holidays etc can only b good for her as long as we can make it work as friends!! Also the deal would be no other partners celebacy for both of us x

But where would your happiness be? My mum and dad stayed together when me and my sister were young although they probably would have split if it wasnt for us. Anyway they eventually split and divorced when me and my sister were in our 20's and had already left home to be with our boyfriends. We both felt that our childhood was a lie and feel that if they had of split when we were young would have been better.

It sounds crazy to me this whole set up especially the yoghurt pot comment. how would that child feel when they are older knowing thats how they were conceived. The whole celibacy thing will not work at all!!! one of you or both of you would end up cheating!! Sounds to me like your husband would struggle financially paying for maintenance and your living arrangements whilst also paying for his own little place. He wants the best of both worlds - a big house, access to the children, financially better off and also knowing you wont be with anyone else!

This sounds like a very unhappy existence to me and will not be a happy endin for either of you not to mention your children. You deserve to be with someone who loves you and wants to take you out and treat you! You are not just a mummy!

hope that helps
x

It's an awful idea.

I knew a family who did this once, lasted about 3 years and ended messily ( became very tense about 6 months in). You are talking about another child, so celibacy for both of you for 18 years? A recipe for disaster for all of you.
One of my best friends and her husband stayed together for 2years after their split, mainly for financial reasons, during this time he became an alcoholic and it ended after he attacked her one night in front of the kids. It was a pressure cooker atmosphere that finally exploded. It wasn't good for the kids throughout the whole experience, we could all see them becoming more withdrawn but their mum was so busy pretending everything was fine she couldn't see the reality of the situation.

It's perfectly possible to live "together but apart" but two things are wrong with DH's plan - (1) lying to the kids (2) enforcing celebacy.

Your DD (and potential DC2) deserve to be respected enough to be told whatever explaination closest to the truth she/they are able to understand.

You and your DH both have the right to seek a fulfilling relationship with someone else if you can't have one with one another any more. You'd need to sit down together and work out ground-rules in advance - e.g. a schedule for when you are each allowed to arrange "date nights"; no boyfriends/girlfriends in the house or introduced to DCs until you are reasonably sure it's likely to be a long-term relationship; You agree that you wouldn't move out to live with any new partner until your youngest DC is a specified age.

It sounds miserable. Your DD won't thank you for it. You'll end up resenting each other and making it worse in the long run.

Personally, I think he should stop having his tea there every night. If you've separated, you've separated and the easiest way for you, your H and your DD to come to terms with that is to actually get on with being separate. Sad, but infinitely less likely to confuse her than your current and suggested set ups.

Clean break, both of you can find happiness/love again, your DD grows up in a healthy and happier home.

My parents also stayed together for the sake of the children and I too feel like my whole childhood was a lie. It's a horrible feeling knowing that I was responsible for my mum's unhappiness and it also modelled such a weird view of relationships. It's taken a lot of counselling to sort out the mess they created.

I don't see what's in this for you. You'd be sacrificing your happiness for the sake of what you think will be best for your child. You'll probably find your child doesn't thank you for this and carries a lot of guilt for your unhappiness.

sounds like a case of not being able to cut the strings IYSWIM. Terrible idea which can only end in tears. As others say, you deserve respect and to have a sex life!

sounds like he still loves you.
What are the arguments about? Is there any way of rekindling stuff? Getting some relationship counselling ?

If you're gonna do all of that then you might as well just get back together. Why have you separated?

If it were me, lying to my DCs would not be an option. Neither would not having another relationship. This would mean the chances of it being a happy existence are very slight. If you didn't get on before, why do you think that continuing to live together, but separately, would be any different?

My sil and her DH split, but remain very good friends. He comes to hers (in his dressing gown!) on Christmas morning after my niece has opened her presents at her mum's house, then goes back to her dad's and opens her presents there. They've also had Christmas lunch together and gone on days out. They have a very relaxed approach to 'contact time' and my niece is pretty much able to stay where she likes, when she likes, with no pressure. Admittedly, her parents live close enough for this to work (a couple of minutes' drive). She's a very happy almost-13-year-old, who is one of the most well adjusted 13 year olds i know from split parents. On the other hand, my DH and ex's split was anything but amicable and his contact time has always been very rigid and on his ex's terms. She has systematically undermined my DH at every opportunity. The result is one very unhappy teenager (and DH) who has now not seen her dad for 18 months. The important thing is that parents who separate must always, always put their squabbles aside and put the DCs first. A flexible approach certainly helps foster good relationships all round.

What i'm saying is, there are other ways to guarantee your DCs happiness. Continuing to live a lie is not one of them imo.

Please don't lie to your children.

Children learn how to have intimate and loving relationships from watching their parents - they are learning every minute of every day. If you live together but are not a couple, they will model their idea of what a happy / functional relationship is on you two - and that will be a fake/ non intimate/ distant relationship without real passion closeness or love. They will learn this in a million small ways.

One day they will find out and will know that the family they believed in was a lie - do you want them to spend most of their adult life in therapy?! Or worse, in dysfunctional unhappy relationships?

If they see you be a friendly, happy separated couple - they will learn that it is important to be happy and that even when things do not work out, it is possible to get on with life - that is a great thing to learn. You and your partner may meet new people and they will then learn about happy, real, true relationships.

I think you should have some counselling to talk all this through if you are seriously considering it.

Don't lie! It is really, really unfair and won't work. QUite apart from all this, you are closing the door on finding real love.

Enjoy the good friendship you have - and both of you need to have faith that you can find a better future as friends, with new partners if you want to.

Waterrate makes some very good points too. One of the most important things to me is that my 2 yo DS sees his parents freely, openly and regularly displaying affection to each other. I believe he will learn how to love and show his feelings from us setting a good example.

waterrat sorry. I have water companies on the brain after mine raised its rates!