How to persuade my daughter to see a therapist?

[lisalisa]

Hoping the collective wisdom of MN can come up with something..... Dd1 is 16. If truth be told I've thought there is something wrong for quite some time but I am really convinced now. Symptoms are that she doesn't sleep at night - either at all on very bad days or only at 3 am . She is extremely nervous and anxious and has developed several habits such as twiddling her hair or flicking it perpetually. She has very become very tetchy and irritable with her siblings and me - she seems to have a " victim" of hte week whom she " terrorises" and then a few weeks later realises how unfair and mean she has been and makes it up to that sibling and starts on another.

With her social group ( apart from her immediate small circle of friends) she is very uptight and nervous and seems to have no social graces or abilities .

This wasn't how it used to be . Dd was a gorgeous looking lively girl surrounded by friends. I think she has suffered a trauma as in Yr 8 her social group that she'd been in since nursery ( so about 9 years) started to expand and newcomers were added and she felt edged out. Whilst on holiday she wanted to stay a nigth with very close friends of ours who have a daughter her age with whom she was also v close friends. This friend had another friend staying whom dd was marginally friendly with and was one of the larger circle coming in.

An incident happened where they all went to a restaurant - dd , the close friend and the newcomer and the close friends parents and dd saw a person there who scared her and she became convinced he was " evil" and was going to come and get her. She became so scared in this ( posh) restaurant that our friends ( the close friends parents) had to go outside with her and talk to her and calm her down. Needless to say the meal ended quickly and dd's close friend was bemused and kept her distance. Dd returned to us the next day exhausted and a bit tearful.

She slept solidly for about 13 hours next day and was a bit sunstroked so we put it down to missing us, being out of sorts and exhausted. It did niggle at teh back of my mind though as something not right.

Then she started yr 9. The close friend backed away considerably to dd's devastation and the social circle she'd had started to edge her out until she got a clear message that she was no longer welcome. She started to make other friends and has a small but close circle now.

She is extreme;ly awkward with her original circle of firends who no longer stayed together but drifted apart and found other friends but managed to stay still civil and have a good time when together ( me and dh and their parents are all friends and meet socially). Last night we had a function where this old social group of dd's sat together. The girls made polite talk and relaxed in eachother's company. Dd sat nervously pulling her hair and twiddling with her phone. After half an hour she wanted to go home.

Of course I'm not telling the whole story here but I think there is something wrong with dd. I would like her to see a therapist and have over the past year tried to hint in a very gentle manner that perhaps she woudl benefit from talking to someone about her lack of sleep, anxiety etc. WE have been to the GP and he suggested it to but she resolutely refused.

What is the best way forward here and how to presuade dd?

It does sound like she would benefit, would she go if you just made the appointment and gave her a fate acompli?

Can you find out more about the man in the restaurant and what happened that night, there must be more to it?

she feels so bad.

Thanks takeonboard. The man in the restaurant was so long ago now - 2.5 yrs ago. I'm a bit worried to ask her as she will be very curious as to why i'm asking and she clams up whenever I try to talk to her about talking about her feelings etc. I don't think anything untoward happened at all there though as dd was never alone without the group she was with there .

If I made the appointment as a fait accompli she may just refuse to talk.

Have you tried a softer approach? Maybe start with a visit to a homeopath or similar for her 'sleep' issues. Once she tries talking to someone, it may make it easier.

My son has been very successfully treated for stress related IBS at the homeopath but a welcome off shoot is the ability to talk more about his situation.

I would also look at reflexology.

There are often puberty induced anxiety and panic attacks and your daughter sounds about the right age for those. Another member of our family had severe separation anxiety at that age, which she has now thankfully moved on from, with the help of therapy.

Good luck

Speaking as a parent with experience of a teen with anxiety, I would make an appointment and tell her that she is going.

Explain that being stressed and unable to sleep is affecting her wellbeing, just like an earache or an infected tooth, and that just like an earache or an infected tooth, something can be done about it. If she had a badly infected ear, you wouldn't be hanging around; you'd be getting it treated.

But do then spend time reassuring her about what the treatment will actually be like.

Most teens have an outmoded idea of therapy as lying on a couch and being made to spill your innermost secrets to some weird doctor- which sounds like a nightmare to a vulnerable person!

Explain that it will almost certainly not be like that. Treatment for anxiety will almost certainly consist in teaching her some useful techniques so that she can manage her situation. It's not about taking control from her, but about giving it back to her.

I have a 16yo who has regular treatment for anxiety. A typical session would consist in her identifying some areas of stress in the current week/week ahead and then being helped to put together a plan for dealing with it. It is confidential: I won't be told about anything dd reveals in these sessions unless she specifically gives permission. It's not an instant fix, but it makes life more manageable. It has also helped dd enormously to realise how common these panic attacks are.