Clash in parenting styles how to deal with it?

[newfashionedmum]

DP sees nothing wrong in shouting at DD (7) when she is rude / interrupts / won't do as she's told. I am firm with her about what is / isn't acceptable but don't shout (unless I really lose it! - and I always apologise for shouting afterwards) at her for transgressing those rules - just point them out to her and try to 'model the behaviour i want to see' (ie no shouting, slamming doors, throwing things etc)

Problem is when DD yells at her - like today, for interrupting three times when he was trying to tell me something - she got really upset and angry, raged off and shut herself away, crying for half an hour and fuming in her room for another half hour, shouting to herself i hate daddy, wish he wasnt part of the family, etc etc. When I went to check how she was she yelled at me and slammed the door in my face. This is a running theme - when she's upset about something she will take it out on me - three times its been today! I have been yelled at / hit / had the door slammed in my face. I feel like an emotional punchbag.

I just don't know what to do - I know we should try to present a united front but i don't want her to think its ok to shout at people. Feel angry with DP because he knows how much I hate it. He maintains its not cos he loses it, its because he thinks thats the way to show her how to behave. We agree on most things to do with parenting but have hit such a stalemate with this one. Its so frustrating. And I'M the one that reads all the parenting books so i feel pretty sure I'm right - but i feel like his yelling is undermining the messages I'm giving her (Its ok to be angry but not to yell in people's faces, hit them or blame others for your anger) and also sometimes I want to stop him in the middle of it to show her i think its unacceptable and that I'm on her side. But I know tht's probably not good either.

any thoughts?

It's an interesting one. Why does he think its the way to make her behave? Has it worked so far for him and dd? Does he respond well to being shouted at?

I do agree that he shouldn't have yelled at her and that it's worth discussing and agreeing other approaches (for example what sanction do you impose if your DD is repeatedly rude?).

But I also think tbh your dd should know by 7yo not to interrupt when someone's talking (my 3yo knows that she has to wait her turn for talking) and I think you should have backed him up a bit. It's possible that he feels frustrated if your approach isn't working and that's when he goes overboard.

We have discussed this many times. I'm kind of running out of steam to discuss it because we never get anywhere, perhaps one day i will ask the magic question that will get him to see it the way I do or help me see his point of view. The thing is, she does generally behave better for him, so in his mind it does work. But at a cost to their relationship (and to ours, bcs I hate seeing her comply through fear, also it affects me and DD because i think she tends to vent her rage at him towards me because it feels safe to do so). And Zuleika is right that he probably feels frustrated in the same way that I do.

Generally speaking DD is incredibly well behaved, almost neurotically so in that she's terrified of getting into trouble outside the home. We've had some real humdingers of her almost refusing to go to school because she was afraid of getting into trouble for (accidentally) doing something wrong in class. Its only at home that we see any negative behaviour - and the interrupting yesterday was out of excitement, we were all responding to something which was happening outside the window.

So what I'm wrestling with, is not so much coming to an agreement though i will keep working on this, but how do deal with the unresolved approach when it comes up.

Does you husband think its ok for others (his boss for example) to shout at him when he makes a mistake? Would it make your DH motivated to do well at work? Or just make sure he keeps his head down and doesn't get in trouble again? would your DH feel he could talk to his boss when he needs advice or the proverbial has hit the fan, whether it is or isn't your DH's mistake (All of us but especially kids mess up from time to time.)
How would he feel if he lived with the shouty boss, so he didn't have somewhere to go away from him at the end of the day.

I'd give him the option of reading about how to build a trusting relationship with a child. If he doesn't want to/can't be bothered he'll just have to take your word about how do to it.