2yo DD hates visiting my parents [her grandparents]

[KelleStar]

My Mum and Dad are well meaning, but they were never the best parents in giving love, time and attention and though I came through with my two younger siblings ok, I've certainly made the decision to parent differently.

Our families live local [15 minute drive away] so she's sees all the family most weekends [in laws and my parents]. Initially we tried to moderate how much time was spent at each grandparents to make it fair.

In Laws are very keen and will pop in to visit DD on their way home from work for a little bit, or offer to have her during the time they are not at work. They love to play with her and will give her the time and attention. MiL works part time and volunteers at a few social groups for the elderly. FiL works full time, but some of this is from home, so is happy to put it on hold for a quick visit or an afternoon of playing.

My Dad works full time and is home by 6pm so it's not convenient for him to come over after work as DD is having her wind down time. My mum works 2 hours a day as a crossing patrol guard at the local school. She will not make an effort to come over and will not have DD on her own, yet complains to all the relatives about how mean I am restricting her access. She has a car and can drive. I do visit her once a week [please no more as we have nothing to talk about and she'd rather watch TV than play with DD], yet she still makes me out to be the bad guy and will go on and on about how much she 'offers' to do for me and I just won't accept. When they have her on the weekends [which fits them, but not us, but I'd rather not refuse them to see her] they always break the rules, travel long distances and all for the love of shopping.

DD has just turned two and her words and sentences are coming in leaps and bounds.

Today, she screamed and screamed when she saw them come to the door to collect, refused to get into her car seat, really scared screaming. lots of no no no, but words like please no shopping granny, grandad, no shopping, just play, no want shopping. Their plan was to go to Newbury a two hour drive on the motorway away, shopping, they won't buy anything, just going for a nose around and then home again. With the inevitable maccyd's, greggs and fruit shoots and other such crap. They will also come back late [usually by 3 or 4 hours, if they decide to go the scenic route [via southampton] we are in somerset. But they will not stop for her to play or go to the park, feed the ducks or anything like that.

Me and DH didn't want her to go in the state she was in, she really was incredibly upset. But we were guilt tripped as they didn't have her over christmas as we were visiting other relatives as well as DH having some time off to spend with us, and the last weekend they had norovirus [but were still happy to have her, we weren't] so we let her go. They called me from the services once they got on the motorway, DD is still crying she's sobbing talking to me and I tell them to come home now, this is not funny or fair. They said they would, that was 10am, should have taken them 45 minutes, no sign of them, not answering their phone nothing. Really fuming and they are going to get an earful when they are back.

Before I had DD I saw my parents at birthdays, christmas etc, even though local we have nothing in common and we are opposites. I am making an effort for my DD to see them, as my mums parents were toxic/vile and we hated going to see them as we had to sit still and be quiet all the time, I didn't want DD to have GP's like that.

I am currently hormonal as 27 weeks pregnant with DC2, due in April. I am sad as my dad is lovely but he is bossed about by my mum, who, apparently, knows best and will not tolerate his opinion. If it wasn't for dad, I wouldn't bother seeing mum again.

Can anyone advise how I should tackle this. I am going to stop contact for a while, unless they come over and play at our house. But how do I get them to understand a two year old just wants to play and not spend hours in the car to go shopping?

Oh my word, didn't realise how epic it had gotten. They've just brought her back and my normally not so clingy little girl is hanging on to me for dear life and is asking for nice granny.

They received a stern telling off from me until I burst into tears and left the room, DH followed it up and they've left quietly. He wants to let us calm down before we suggest ways to handle this for future.

Poor little girl. She was doing everything she could to tell you. I think you should apologize to her. She is little but she is a person with rights and opinions that matter. Sorry to be harsh and add to your angst, you are already angry and rightly so. How about calling them and seeing what they are doing? They probably just continued on their pointless journey.

I've apologised to her and we are playing games. Going to go for a walk along the lane to see the horse before it gets too cold. We've stopped contact for now. I just hoped she'd calm down once she got underway, I did ask them not to go shopping, but they ignore me as they know better. We just feel guilty that she sees my IL's most days [they make the effort] and weekends and my parents maybe once a week or every other week.

ffs they seem on the surface to be doting grandparents and the family on that side think we are being unfair as they are trying to do their bit and we are not letting them be involved. Eveytime I try to explain [delicately] that they don't make enough effort and include examples of what I consider acceptable, I'm told that I am too demanding.

We asked and expected them to turn around from the services at 10am and bring her home, she should have been home 11ish, but they bought her back at 3.30 after continuing their trip. They are selfish and I am not letting them do this again.

All she wants to do is play and have fun, make a pretend cup of tea and make a tent under the dining table, have stories read to her. Isn't that part of being a grandparent? Making up time you never could give your children?

I am a SAHM, I do spend plenty of time playing with her myself, doing the odd bit of housework, baking and socialising at groups and things. My mum and MiL were SAHM. But I also do DH's admin support for his business, unpaid [that will change] and fit that in my day. She's not expecting me to play with her the whole time and does play independantly.

Ack, just think I am doubting myself.

I'm glad she's home, poor little mite !

I think you need to not worry about how the rest of the family see you and just do what us best for your little girl. Maybe when she's (much) older she will enjoy going around the shops but certainly not now.
Your parents clearly only want her in their terms so lay down your own terms for contact and see if they capitulate and actually build a proper relationship with her.

If they are not listening to what you are saying perhaps its how you are saying it? Or when?

Sounds to me dm doesn't know what else to do with her. I know she brought you up but give her some local places/soft play/park ideas?

Every weekend? When do you, your dh and dd get to spend time alone as a family? Just see the grandparents less, and when it suits YOU. Don't run yourself or dd ragged in the interests of "fairness". Life is for enjoying, not family politics.

Your mother is out of order. She wants to see your dd for her own (ie your mother's) good, not because it will particularly benefit your dd. Well tough, your mother is an adult. It's your dd's happiness that matters. Arrange some lovely days for the three of you and be happy.

seriously - that is not acceptable. Ignoring your requests to return her - that is disturbing. You don't need to make suggestions of parks etc - you need to set the rules and remember you are the boss!

It seems you don't have the confidence to trust yourself here - you are her mum and have to protect her - your job to do that means you have to ignore what other people in the family say or think. Stop worrying about them and just do what is right for your child.