Did having a baby change your relationship?

[Jac1978]

My DH and I had a wonderful relationship and never argued once but since DD came along things have changed. We seem to have at least one argument a day - usually one person correcting the other and them feeling they can't do anything right. Having a baby seems to have exposed a lot of things that went unnoticed before. Now I feel resentful about all his hobbies where I used to like the fact he did a lot now it feels like he is being selfish as I keep having to look after DD so he can have a life when I don't. We argue a lot about grandparents interfering and while I used to love his laid back nature I now get frustrated when he shrugs their behaviour off rather than sticking up for me. My behaviour has changed too - I feel so tired and anxious about the baby I can feel myself snapping at him even though he's brilliant and does so much but I can't seem to stop - I must be draining the life out of him. DD is up a lot at night so we are both tired and our sex life is non existent and whenever he does make a move he looks so hurt when I reject him but I'm so exhausted and really don't feel like being touched. Is it normal for things to change and how do you get back to how you were?

Hello, it sounds like a fairly normal first year tbh. How old is your DD? If you say 7 yo it would be different but under a year particularly under 6 months fairly normal.

Sleep deprivation, hormonal imbalances, massive massive life change, more external input into your business than before. It's not that shocking you're squabbling really is it?

Ask your DH if he will look after DD for you 1 hour a day, 1 night a week or 4 a fortnight whichever you choose or need, then plan some me-time. Phone some friends, surf the net, read a book, come on here if you don't fancy going out or arrange to see your friends out of the house. Make it clear you are not to be disturbed. Sleep even!

If after a while you don't feel better with more sleep and more me-time, perhaps see the Dr or HV and talk about how you are feeling.

Yep. It really highlighted how selfish XP was. I guess it hadn't mattered so much before :(

Dp and I never argued before dd, we did in the first year. We were both massively sleep deprived, I resented that my life had changed so much while dp could keep having a social life.

Things have got much better since the early days. Now I would say our relationship is very strong. Watching how wonderful dp is with dd makes me love him more. It was very helpful to us when I went back to work and dp reduced his hours, so our childcare is split equally.

This is EXACTLY how things are for us right now (dd is 14wks). We have had a heart to heart this morning and feeling a bit better. It is killing us that she only sleeps on me after 2am (fine in crib for naps, and before 2am! no idea why ). What is saving my sanity is DH having her from about 5am so I can sleep, and he takes her for a drive as that generally sends her to sleep so he doesn't have a screaming baby to deal with.

I think you just have to keep communicating and try hard to pick carefully what you comment on - if it is not actually dangerous and could cause an argument or resentment try to leave it for another time....but not sure you should actually listen to me anyway since I am having the same issue . Hopefully things with DH will get back on track as babies get older?

Yes it changed and we still argue occasionally about differing parenting styles but on the whole it's much better now. DS is 2.1 but I really think many people completely underestimate how strong a relationship needs to be to raise children together. Honestly, it does get easier but you have to keep talking and not take each other for granted.

Oh yes, DH always referred to himself as slightly selfish, I never saw it and thought he was being down on himself - I do now!! We also have completely different parenting styles which we argue about.

Yes, all sounds very familiar. For us things got a lot better once our DD started sleeping more, so we were less tired. It's so hard to be patient & reasonable when you're knackered.