Guilt Tripping - Support Needed, I'm a Horrible Shouty Mummy

[YesAnastasia]

I was up with DS1 (3.5) a lot in the night, spent the rest of it asleep on his floor, so I'm tired and grumpy (and impatient etc...)

I was getting him ready for nursery (as well as DS - 2, who I get ready to leave, turn around & he's taken of his shoes for the 5th time) barking orders at them, swung DS1 around so he would sit on the step to get his shoes on & he stumbled into the wall. He was upset. I said "can't you just listen to me, DS1?" and he said "can you not just be nice to me please?" Gutted

He's now at nursery & DS2 is in bed & I feel so sad & guilty. I love that beautiful child more than anything in the world, why can't I just be nice to him?

It really happens to the best of us. Don't beat yourself up, just have a nice cup of tea and try and forget it so you can move on.

When I get too shouty I try and chat and apologise to the DC later and they seems to appreciate it and I hope it teaches them empathy.

Yes, tea & mumsnet - thank you.

I'll talk to him later. He's not a baby any more and he understands more than I think he does.

:(

I'm the same when I'm tired. Horrible.

I have to tell myself to be positive. So tell ds to sit in my lap and put his shoes on so I can cuddle at the same time. Give loads of praise when he does well - being really specific. So tell ds he did good listening, he got dressed very well, he was helpful doing x/y/z. It's really paying off (he's 3.3) and he is more complaint. If I do things at his pace at times and let him lead then it might take longer but we both end up smiling. If I'm in a rush, I will tell him that I need to go quickly and that ill count to 3 then I'll do it (making sure he's heard me). That helps too.

But yes it's hard especially as I have dd (who's 1) to handle as well.

Oh sweetie - You slept on DS floor which is a Lovely Mummy thing to do and presumably had to be patient at stupid o clock when the world and his dog should be asleep. You're understandably tired and were trying to herd two nearly fully dressed toddlers out of the door before, say mid afternoon, which would be my aim after a crap night? Stop right there - don't beat yourself up over this.

My mum once told me that if me DS never ever saw anger then he would be so shocked when he did see it. I'm not trying to put a positive learning spin on losing your temper but - it happens. It happens in all families. It happens over silly things which you regret afterwards but happen anyway cos all of you are human. Learning empathy as Bundle says is one consequence - so's forgiveness and tolerance and importantly learning how to be friends again.

and a Lovely Mummy badge for the night duty. And a slightly shy hug cos you sound down and fed up and I hope it's just one of those days x

If you are a horrible shouty mum then I am too! I have a 4yo ds and 11 week old dd and find myself losing patience and snapping / shouting far more than I should. It makes me feel awful too. I apologise to ds afterwards and just tell him I'm sorry I shouted. He tells me it's okay Mummy, just try not to shout again! It's a good lesson for children to see that adults are prepared to say sorry when we do something wrong. One thing that helped me recently was reminding myself that all the little things that stress me out daily like getting to school on time, ds eating all his lunch etc, are less important than the boy I want him to grow up to be. It isn't the end of the world if we're late to school, but I don't want him to grow up remembering me shouting at him constantly. I am trying to remember that when he stresses me out during the day. Don't beat yourself up though - kids are wonderful but exhausting!

Yes, I do try those things iggly, the 'descriptive praise' stuff but I don't always remember what the books say in the moment. Yes, it is much better when you've got time, we'd have to start getting ready at 10... Thanks :)

I'm glad I didn't read your comment earlier Mytime it would have sent me over the teary edge. Good point on the anger issue. Thank you so much. Now he's home and we've had a chat I'm not so fed up. And I get to have a gin tonight 'cause it's Friday :)

Oh god, I didn't mean to upset you. I'm really sorry. I meant to support you - I'm sorry

It was supportive - you know when you're on the edge then someone's really nice to you? That :)

small children are extremely hard work. they do get bigger though. thank god.

do you get a chance to have a bit of time away from them? i think your it is actually unselfish to do this, because then you are more patient when you are with them.

agree that you sound like a lovely mummy. don't feel bad over this, we all shout at our dc sometimes, it's normal.

Oh me too - it's so hard to be nice when you're tired, and I always feel awful after I've snapped at DS. I think it happens to the best of us though. Try not to beat yourself up too much!

high maintenance, moi?, sorry, obvious once I read it again. In my defence I was stir frying (poorly, cos I didn't feel like cooking)

But we do all have days like this - I've spent a couple of days cringing over the scowl I got in the street as I dragged DS out of the way of a car. We're doing the 'walk nicely with mummy' no pram shopping trips, and it's great until he suddenly tugs his hand free and starts to play with his present-for-walking-nicely truck in the middle of the road. I had this heartbeat where I was half a stride ahead and he was crouched down wheeling the truck along the white line in the road while a car sped towards us and I was just terrified. I grabbed his arm amd dragged him to the pavement and crouched down and told him off very firmly , and received just this look from a woman walking past which made me want to cry. I had been properly scared but all she saw was me dragging my son and then shouting in his face. I was trying to do the whole 'go down to his level and explain' thing but I don't think it worked. Trying to pass on the understanding I wish I had got this week...

Enjoy your g&t!

How scary Mytime!! I always regret not taking the buggy but I only remember said regret once I'm out & it's taking us forever to get to the end of the road!

I am (was) guilty of being a bit judgy when I'm out & see children being ignored or scalded (or once, smacked) but I know to check myself now because it could be lovely mums like us just trying to do our best. When I was heavily pregnant the first time, I saw a baby in the front of a supermarket trolley smiling for all it was worth at his mummy. She didn't even notice & I vowed at the moment never to be like that when my bundle of (10lb) joy arrives. Who was I kidding? That baby probably smiled all day like that because he had a nice mummy who took him everywhere with her and had to look elsewhere at some point... anyway my point is how silly being judgy is.

I had many more that one G&T and went to see a band. I got a stern talking to in the morning but that's another story...

Hope your week started off OK. Me & my big boy are good now thanks :)

Just joined this thread as I have just tried to settle my boys (4 and 5) to sleep, and failed for over an hour (I'm abroad so its 9pm for me now). After childcare for 8 hours (no school in afternoon today here, we went swimming), I needed a couple of hours to me, and have been desperate for them to settle, but they did;t so I became nasty shouty mummy plus smacked 5 year old's bum. I wish I hadn't, but i did. Have apologised and cuddled and had good chat, but still, horrible. Plus, the guilty feeling is ruining my minimal time to myself.

joining this thread. I need to be much more patient with my DD. She's a lovely girl but really overreacted with her last night, there was no need to shout at her