help me handle dd1 (4) better

[rhetorician]

DD1 is almost 4 - she is lovely, typical 4 yo. But I find it very difficult to get her to do certain things. For example, if you tell her to stop doing something, she just carries on. If you tell her off she gets upset and repeatedly tells me to stop being cross with her, and just doesn't seem to get that if she does something she is not allowed to do, I will get cross with her. She will often turn it back on me 'I am very cross with you'.

The only strategy that seems to work is threatening to take away a treat. Lots of very basic things are a battle (getting dressed, teeth) if they involve her being told what to do. She can behave very well (and is well behaved at nursery), but a lot of the time we get caught up in petty conflicts - she just doesn't seem to understand (1) that her actions have consequences and (2) that if she breaks the rules a consequence will follow. She just keeps on doing the proscribed thing over and over: for example, when she needs to blow her nose, she will pick/snort etc - anything rather than go and get a tissue and blow it herself. She is nearly 4 FFS. Similarly, will not make any effort whatsoever to get herself dressed/put on coat/put on shoes - just wanders off and does something else.

I'm sure this is all normal and maybe I am just shit at dealing with her: but she isn't straightforward. Any ideas?

Ah you could be describing my 4yo ds!! Right down to the "I'm very cross with you Mummy". I agree it can end up being a constant battle about silly little things, and if you're not careful you end up getting really wound up yourself and liable to shout at them. I have an 11 week old dd now too and have found myself getting increasingly frustrated with ds since she came along. One thing I have found that helps is to turn things around and instead of saying "eat your breakfast" over and over, "when you've eaten your toast, we'll go out to the park and have fun". You can't bribe them for everything, but you can subtly make things sound more tempting to do. "We can watch Thomas the Tank Engine after you've done your teeth, if you want". Doesn't work for everything and yes sometimes they just need to learn to do as they are told, but it can save a few battles and a shred of your sanity!

I suppose the 'I'm very cross with you' thing is their attempt to name how they are feeling, so it's good in a way (and better than the alternatives!). I never know whether my expectations of her are unreasonable or not - I do the things you say as well a lot of the time, and they do work a good bit of the time, and there are lots of things that she is very good about. I think I need to go back to lots of praise for good behaviour for a bit - that seems to help as well

My 4yo is like this too! In fact I've been on loads of 4yo threads the last few days - maybe we need a support thread

I find that pre-empting something helps, like I told him at bedtime the other night that I was sorry I'd got cross that morning and it would be helpful if he put his own shoes on etc, perhaps we wouldn't be late. The next morning we were getting ready and I went to help him with his shoes out of force of habit and he said "No Mummy, let's have a race!" which is what I've been suggesting for weeks and he never agrees to!

Also eating is a bit of a pain, he will sit there for hours staring at his food and not eating it, I've found a trick my mum gave me works well, if you cook the whole meal and then give him a bit at a time, so a couple of chicken nuggets first, then he'll say he's still hungry, so he'll have some potato, then he'll have a bit of veg, more chicken, more veg, etc. He ends up eating loads and it's not stressful!

It's a funny age, I think their personalities start to come out a lot more and we end up clashing with them where they are similar to us.